Abusive, narcissistic ex

[Clytemnestra1]

Dear All,
I’m not exactly what advice I’m looking for- what questions I would like answered.

My fiancé was emotionally and financially abusive and controlling. He took my money and left me with little; he threatened me and called me many hurtful and cruel names which were disportionate to the ‘crime’. I thought I was stubborn and he had a difficult childhood so I gave him sympathy and patience and lots more besides. He was so demanding and draining.

We got engaged and spent an extravagant amount on the ring and made a huge fuss over the engagement with my family. After he soon became more violent and cruel. I wanted to leave but I wasn’t quite strong enough yet- I was slowly building to it though.

He announced, out of the blue that he wanted to break up. We had a joint lease do he said we could share the place but I couldn’t stay there so I went back home. He wanted the ring of course but I refused to return it. He also asked me to give him 2 days notice before I collected my stuff. I went by the flat unannounced to collect something small and I found another woman’s things in sling my belongings. Her discarded knickers and clothes were strewn on a ruffled bed- the exact same sheets I left 3 weeks before while our engagement cards still decorated the nearby windowsill. I feel physically sick. How could anyone be such an absolute disgusting monster? I never encountered anyone or anything like this before. My family and I have values that are diametrically opposed to this sort of behaviour. I can’t tell them the full extent of what he’s done - it would break their hearts. I don’t know how I’ll get through it. I found a note from her to him signed ‘I love you’. How long was he seeing her? Why propose if he didn’t mean it? Why didn’t I break it off with him first? He was an abuser, so why am I the one crying? Why can’t I just celebrate that I’m free?

Sounds like you have had a lucky escape.

Because you are a kind person and you wanted to see the best in him.
If your family and yourself are opposed to horrid behaviour then do some work on yourself.
Understand why you put up with an abusive asshole!
Please do the Womens Aid Freedom Programme.
Learn to spot red flags sooner. Work on your self-esteem and never ever put up with an abuser again.

Because at the very least you cared deeply about him more so loved him. He's taken away your hopes and dreams and your not questioning everything.

Please get a full sti check. If he's been doing this with her there may be others and you need to look after your health first and foremost . Keep talking here or to other people. I would consider telling your family

Yes I’m getting the check this weekend. I’ve taken your advice and told my sister but my Mum and Dad would be too upset and my Dad in particular would want to confront him, and I don’t want my father to risk getting hurt or in trouble over this.

Well done on telling your sister.
That's a huge step.
Hopefully she can be there to support you through the split.

I understand you not wanting to tell your parents and you're afraid of your fathers reaction. I'd highly advise reconsidering this and informing them at some stage. It will be for your own benefit and for building up a bigger support network for yourself just in case your ex was to turn very sour. People like your ex don't go away too easily. Your relationship is as good as over and you should be glad that you are free of him but people like him don't go away too easily. You mentioned controlling in your opening post. He may go down the road of tormenting you and he may use anything or anyone to get to you. Something slight as seeing you out with a smile might set him off, goodness knows. The last thing you want is for him to spin stories to your parents about how you are being crazy or whatever he may come up with. Try and get in there first, just in case he was to go down that route of causing you trouble.

Of course you are crying and upset. You have been horribly disappointed by a man who is nothing like the man you thought he was, the man you thought deserved a chance and forgiveness.

Whilst you have had a lucky escape, you would have to be made of stone not to feel cheated on many levels.

Let yourself grieve and be angry. Please do follow the advice to do the Freedom Programme, to help you heal, and help you avoid any more abusive relationships.