No contact working but what do I do next?

[Kittykatxxo]

my boyfriend finished with me and said it was because I was pressuring him into a more serious relationship at first he just pulled away and didn't ask to see me and stopped phone communication unless I spoke to him and I pulled him on it and we argued (I was extremely needy) telling him I missed him and I didn't understand how he didn't care to which he said he never had felt anything ... I completely ghosted him and this wasn't even about no contact at first I just realised if a man can say that to me I better believe he bloody means it and he doesn't deserve me. I spent a lot of time with my friends litterally every day , I started making clothes, cakes and having night out and shared it on social media litterally 5 days I received a message saying I've been going through a lot of shit lately and I just need you to know when you started putting pressure on me my first reaction was to push you away I just need you to know that ... completely out of the blue after telling me he didn't care about me so I didn't reply straight away I went out and had a good time then replied "all I'm going to say to you is I have never pressured you for anything I ask for your time and that is the only thing I would ever ask for we don't need to speak about this again we will put it behind us the things you said and the things I've said it's understood ... I then went on to make the mistake of saying "with that being said do we start again or cut our losses?" Now here is why that's a mistake ... he rang me shortly after and we had brief conversation of stuff mainly his traumas because he'd just found his uncle and friend both dead (to me this is his reaction of being upset and wanting me to speak to him, we always had an emotional connection we met under circumstances of me losing my mother) also probably missed me abit because I hadn't reached out to him or been upset so I spoke with him was kind then said "did you read my message then" and he said "yeh I got it" so I said "well what are we doing then" and he said "at the moment my heads up my arse with everything going on I've been drinking the last 3 days this is the first day I'm sober I need to get back to work and get my head sorted let me just sort my shit out then we will start again" now I'm wishing hmm I shouldn't of asked him that so he can backtrack when he is starting to miss me so I was polite just said cool but I need to go and we ended the call so my next move I'm struggleing obviously I am not contacting him again unless he contacts me .. going to carry on enjoying life without him but when he does contact again I'm struggling between two things to do should I
A). Act abit like oh I'm abit busy I'm just getting ready for a date this is abit aqward but obviously I don't want to lie to you (give him the sense of competition.. when we first started dating he realised he had competition and tried harder)
B). Politely say it's good to hear from you but I don't want to speak anymore because it's starting to fizzle out fast if you want to see me plan a date pick me up and have a conversation I'm to busy for indecisive men and to be honest that's the reason I liked you you was a gentleman but now your just turning into every other man that isn't worth my time (Sharp to the point and also what I would like since this is the man I dated in the begginging the one I fell for)

Which is the better approach?

Neither. Just end it then block and delete. He’s not interested in a relationship with you, he’s told you that and you should listen. Mind games will only hurt you. If you’re pretending to get on with your life just to make him jealous, you’re going to get upset when it doesn’t work or when you find out that he’ll happily have you as a shoulder to cry on and an available sex partner, but continues to tell you he’s not in a relationship place right now.

Forget faking it and actually move on in your life. You sound really young so you’ll meet plenty more men in the future who are better for you than this guy.

Move on. He broke up and got back in contact with you for his benefit, I understand that he’s going through stuff right now but you aren’t his crutch to be reached for and discarded as he sees fit.

For your own sanity, move forward and don’t look back.

This sounds like a terrible mess of codependence and manipulation. Seems like you both have a lot to work on before this has any chance of being healthy.

Maybe take a step back and think about the level of communication and integrity that is required to have a fulfilling relationship with anyone, and then do that with someone who can also do that.

If you keep doing relationships like this, it will waste you, and your choices will diminish over time. Better to fix the underlying problems first. If you can identify why you perceive this to have value worth effort (and I argue it doesn’t), that would probably be a good place to start on a journey of self knowledge.

It sounds like you went nc to try and teach him a lesson, to make him see what he's missing, is that why you kept him on sm and made sure you posted all the things you were doing on sm?
I think going nc only works for the right reasons, that is because you know something needs to end and you're making it easier to do that.
Going nc and leaving lots of sm updates about how great things are knowing he can see them isn't going to work. It's a form of contact although a very passive one.
Nc is a means to the end not something you can use to teach someone a lesson.
He had made it clear that he doesn't want to, or isnt able to have a relationship with you, nc isn't going to change that. All the sm updates mat have made him panic a little but they won't make him change what he wants or needs deep down.
So what do you do next? You either stick to your guns and actually believe you deserve more (this man doesn't want and can't give you the level of commitment you desire). In which case you actually go no contact which means deleting him from everything or stop posting so he has no link with your day to day life. This includes removing any opportunity for him to contact you in any way, then you work on moving on with your life , happy in the knowledge you did this because you were not being offered what you wanted by someone who cares.
Or you get back with him knowing next time you raise this issue you will be playing exactly the same game again.

he said he never had felt anything ...

Nothing has changed OP, you an play as many games as you like but sorry to say but this guy is not into you at all; he uses you for his emotional output, that's it, I don't know why you can't see this, he's making it pretty clear, you deserve so much better than this in a partner, please move on.

Neither, they're equally manipulative and pointless. Op, the thing about nc is that it has to be NO contact. What you're doing to each other is a game. No successful adult relationship is built on the foundation you have described. You deserve better and there is better to be had. Cut him off and move on. Maybe spend a good bit of time on your own working on making you the most confident and happy you can be in yourself. When you are happy in your own skin you will only accept a relationship which adds to your life. That's not what you're describing here.

Didn't you post about this a few days ago? You said you had only been together a month? And he said both his friends were murdered?

End it. Block & delete. Stop planning mind games.

OP, I'm sorry but this is all too complicated. When a man is genuinely interested, he acts like that. When a man is feeling love for a woman, genuine love, he doesn't tell her straight that he doesn't care about her. Doing so is not the basis for a happy, healthy, loving relationship.

This is the case, even if he's really muddled at the moment. We might all feel compassion for him, understand his troubles and wish him well, but that doesn't mean he's a good choice for a partner.

I think you're giving too much attention to him and what he might say/do in response to what you might say/do. This just ties you up in knots. When a man likes you and wants to be with you, it's not because you said the 'right thing' in that text that one time. There's no one right thing. He should love the whole package, which transcends the details.

Instead of all this, step back and focus more generally on what you really want. What sort of life would you like? Focus on you being happy and having a happy life and it'll all fall into place. (Probably with someone else.)

“When someone shows you who they are believe them; the first time.”
― Maya Angelou

Have you posted about this before???

Anyway, same position from me. Block & delete

Yep I'm sure this is a repeat post from you. You were with him a month!!! He clearly has issues, you mentioned his drinking before.

Plus your last post wasn't even that long ago so your no contact cannot have been that long?? Like a week or two? That's not enough time to 'find yourself' and be happy.

I have gone NC with someone who was treating me really badly. I have removed and BLOCKED them from everything. They know where I live. If they wanted to be with me they would. However I have heard nothing.
You are not doing NC properly if he is on your social media and you're updating about your life. You're also not doing it properly if he is responding to your messages. Give it a month of NC. If he really wants you in your life he will chase you for that long and you can speak about it then. However, I highly doubt he will.

Sounds like he has been using you, and doesn't have another backup so is going to reach out to you and see if you're still there. He got his response, and he knew he could still have you if he wanted you. But he doesn't want you does he?

Honestly hun, you need to really remove him from your life. It is SO hard to do, but seriously it's the only way. Only 4 days NC for me and I see everything so much clearer now. I don't even want him back and on Monday I was crying my eyes out wanting him back. Block completely, it's the only way.