Has anyone got a good book for helping me say “no” to people? I feel like I’m being taken advantage of.

[TheYesWoman]

Basically my problem is that I am a soft touch. I want to support those I love, which means I go beyond the extra mile for them to help them with various difficulties or issues in their lives. Often this is because the things they’re struggling with come easily to me so it’s a combination of:

1 - they think, “I don’t need to apply myself so much here as I know Yes will help me,” and:

2 - I think, “I can do this task much more easily than they can, so I don’t mind helping them.”

The problem now is that I am being expected to help to such an extent that it’s negatively affecting my own performance. I am not giving 100% to my own tasks and issues because so much time is taken up with others’ issues.

Secondly, I feel like they are taking the mick a bit. E.G. I say I will give up an hour of my time to help or to give them a head start, but then the person says they need a day, for me to go through it with them step by step. So not only is the quality of my work suffering, but I’m starting to feel both a bit resentful that I am expected to help and that my own, hugely important needs, are just not even being considered.

I’m sorry if this is a bit vague but I hope the gist comes across! Essentially, how do I not only learn to say “no,” but also feel comfortable letting people close to me fail or perform badly when I know that I could have helped them do better?

Two top pieces of advice I have received:

• “I have x, y, z to finish by x date/time. But ‘ll be with you as soon as I finish”
• When you help someone, never do the work, sit next to them and tell them step by step what they need to do (if they are expecting you to do rather than to help, they will stop)

“When you help someone, never do the work, sit next to them and tell them step by step what they need to do”

I really like that advice, thank you. Because I absolutely do not mind giving the hour of my time. But when it is just expected that that hour becomes 2 or 4 or 6 then I am starting to feel very put upon. I think an hour of telling, not doing could really help to encourage the people to take some responsibility for their own tasks.

Tell them you will think about it...if you can't say no...then later send a text/email (if you can't face a phone call) just saying that you have e thought more about it and will have to decline x and hope they find someone else to do whatever it is

The Book of No: 365 Ways to Say It and Mean It and Stop People Pleasing Forever.
By Susan Newman, PhD
Available on Amazon?
It gives little scenarios and ways to decline or to at least make a deal to arrange for your payback then and there (if I do this for you, then you do this for me)...otherwise- sorry, that just doesn’t work for me.

A Woman in Your Own Right by Anne Dickson.

Thank you for these suggestions!!

Even just reading the reviews of those books and the excerpt of one on Amazon and there are some things that have made me pause. “I have the right to decline to take responsibility for other people’s problems,” and, “a person who professes helplessness usually figures out what they need to do.”

Also, “I have the right to state my own needs and set my own priorities” is powerful as I am seeing I’ve put other’s priorities above my own needs.

Yes. The basic premise is that you have rights too and also it is ok to let people know when they are overstepping. They won't know otherwise. The key is gentle but firm, and repeat. You'll be grand in no time x because it really really is ok to be like this.

Google co-dependency - it's this. The need to control others, stepping over boundaries and 'saving them' rather than letting them fall (and thus learn how to take responsibility for their own life).

It's a form of enabling, essentially. What was your childhood like, your parents or main caregivers and what sort of lessons did you learn about feelings and boundaries growing up? It can be sorted but it takes practise, perseverance and a good therapist, ideally, to help you along your path and point out what is underlying your habitual behaviours.

There is a book I read literally made for you. It's about assertiveness.

"When I say no, I feel guilty". Forgot the author but you can find it on amazon.

I don’t think so much that it’s “a needto control others, stepping over boundaries and 'saving them' rather than letting them fall” - I’m actively wanting to step back from helping others, I don’t have an urge to do more of it! It’s not me going to i there’s and saying “here let me help you,” it’s them coming to me and saying “can you do this for me,” and I say yes because I’m a soft touch.

Others, not i theres!