Relationship counselling

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Quick question - I have recently discovered that DH has been using prostitutes. He admitted it to me but has told me some lies that I know are lies but I haven’t called him on that yet. I want us to go to relationship counselling, DH doesn’t want to go because he thinks that it will cause more upset and tension, and he believes that counselling results in separation more often than not. Can anyone give me their opinion on that? I can’t see that things can get any worse, and DH is a terrible communicator so how else are we supposed to have the conversations we need to have if we are going to rescue our marriage?

Tbh it sounds as if he just wants to sweep it under the rug and hope youll get over it.
If he wanted to save the relationship he'd go and do whatever it took to help you work through it. I don't think he wants to give up his extra sex. In your position I'd be looking to leave him, and make sure everyone knew why before he tried to blame it on you. He's pathetic, you're better off by yourself than with a cheating sleaze, surely?

Oh, forgot that the reason counseling leads to break ups is because you more clearly see how badly you are being treated. He doesn't want you thinking along those lines.

No point in wasting time and money for a foregone conclusion.

Above poster is right. You're just going to get more of what you already know.

So unless counseling is THE way for you to heal and get past it save your money.

Thanks for your input. I’m really in limbo, still trying to work out how we’ve got to where we are. And I really can’t believe that DH has been cheating on me. I need to go to counselling, even if the only outcome is that DH is forced to talk to me about how much he has hurt me and our family by doing what he has done. I really do hope that we can find a way to work through this, although how I am supposed to trust him again I do not know. Why do people cheat on their partners? I just don’t get it :(

He didn't just cheat, he used multiple prostitutes.
Putting your sexual health at risk every single time.
Please get STD/STI checked urgently if you haven't already.

Each to their own but no way on this earth would I be able to get past that.
Please go to counselling alone.
Understand why you are even prepared to put up with being disrespected so much by someone who is supposed to love you.
Work on yourself.
Your self-esteem.
Believe in yourself and understand that you are worth far more than this pond life you are currently saddled with!

I honestly don't think you will even 90% be able to trust him again. Especially as he doesn't seem particularly remorseful. I'd tell him he's got one chance to come completely clean with you (re the lies you know about). Make sure he knows you're serious. If he still continues to cover up, you know he'll never be honest with you. Can you live with someone who thinks so little of you?
Any dc/difficult to divide assets? DC don't deserve a liar and cheat for a male role model.
Has he tried to explain why he did it? Counseling could help clarify this, but it probably comes down to his desire for new and exciting sex being greater than his respect for you. Sorry, it's a horrible position to be in, but I honestly don't think youll ever be able to trust him again, and this will wear you down over time.

I am going to counselling alone, starting tomorrow. DH has now agreed to go to couples counselling as well. I really don’t know how this will end. I don’t even know if DH wants to make the effort to try to repair our relationship. I guess I’ll find out at counselling.

That sounds so hurtfull Did he admit it off his own back or because you found out?

He's shown huge levels of disrespect for you, he's put your health at risk, he still isn't being completely honest, he doesn't sound interested in sorting things out, and (presumably) he's used family money to cheat on you. Personally there would be no going back for me.

Most relationships probably do end after counselling, but I'm not sure that's the fault of counselling! I guess most people don't go until their relationship is in dire straights. Regardless of that, he should be bending over backwards to do whatever you want after treating you so badly.

Oops, didn't scroll down. How did your counselling go today, OP?

Hi Georgesmum, counseling was really good for me. It wa last great to be able to talk through what has happened and get some perspective. The counsellor agreed with me that DH has addiction issues, she helped me understand why I am not angry with DH, and she gave me some ways of starting a conversation with DH about what has happened, why it happened and how we can work through it. As I predicted, DH didn’t want to talk, and I had to start the conversation when he was trying to initiate sex - so of course he got angry and upset and couldn’t think rationally because the hormones had taken over in that moment. It got us talking though and I was able to stay calm which helped to call him down, and we’ve now had some really open and meaningful conversations over the past few days. DH was really remorseful, he says the guilt has been eating away at him (I know it has, I could see something was wrong I just didn’t know what it was until now), and he’s agreed to go to couples counselling and also get some help for his stress and anxiety and the terrible ways he deals with those issues (alcohol). He’s also agreed to go and be tested for STIs (I went last week). I think we can work through this and get past it, and if it turns out that we can’t then at least I can say that I gave it a good shot. I have another few sessions booked with the counsellor to keep talking about what has happened and to also work on some of my own issues that have contributed to where we’ve ended up (it was absolutely DH’s choice to stray, but we both played a part in getting to where he started to consider that as an option).

Are you dead set on your partner trying to perform monogamy, OP?

Yes I am Not. We’ve been together for nearly25 years, we have a lot of history together, the vast majority of it really awesome. I want the chance to work through this and try to put it behind us. DH knows he only gets one second chance.

But the problem is, he's not really taking it if he's still lying and trying to sweep it all under the carpet. Individual counselling is a great idea. Did you tell the counsellor that you just want to stay together at any cost? Because if you didn't, the counsellor should be encouraging you to take some time to process things and consider what you want. I am wary of the whole 'he's an addict and he couldn't help it approach'.

I talked through a range of options with the counsellor, she was really great. I wouldn’t stay in the relationship at any cost, but I also won’t walk away without thinking things through thoroughly. I really do believe that DH truly regrets the choices he has made and he has committed to seeking help. I hope the shock he has felt from me finding out what he has been doing, and the pain he has experienced having to explain his actions and listen to me describing how much he has hurt me will be the kick up the bum he needs to change.

Is it clear what his addiction is, op? I mean, is it the alcohol addiction which led to bad choices, or a sex addiction?
I'm a little wary of the addiction get out clause too, if you have an addiction which affects loved ones and you feel guilty about, surely you should be looking into getting help, not just going along and enjoying it.

I'm hoping your counsellor will help you understand exactly what you will be dealing with if you stay together. And help you define what you will not accept from dh. Ime he will probably kick back at anything seen as controlling, for a long time in the future. I hope it's worth it and turns out right for you.

Please take your time and have a look at chumplady. This wasn’t one simple slip but repeatedly lying to you. Have a look at what she says regarding genuine remorse. Her book is ace

www.chumplady.com

Also consider did he bother about exposing you to life threatening STIs. Treatment resistant gonorrhoea and other Stis are pretty worrying..

www.google.co.uk/amp/s/www.washingtonpost.com/amphtml/news/to-your-health/wp/2018/03/29/our-greatest-fear-highly-drug-resistant-gonorrhea-confirmed-by-health-officials/

Look after yourself and please think if this is risk acceptable to you