Confused and Frustrated!

[Pennypocket06]

My fella and I have been together 4yrs. Still have own houses but practically have lived together since the beginning. He has two grown up children and grandchildren and they all live hundreds of miles away. Despite trying for 25yrs I don't have any but get on great with his.

He loves to wind me up and a few weeks ago started to aggravate me, I'd had a bad day and didn't feel good, I have quite major health issues and I'm now perimenopausal and surrounded by pregnant women at work so my head wasn't in good place. I asked him to stop clowning around and he continued, I asked him over and over until I totally lost it with him, we had a massive argument and spent several days apart.

We were booked to go abroad for a couple of days so talked, made up and went. It was great, we both apologised and accepted our part in the fight and went on to have a fab time then day after we got back he had a bad head and felt ill. Over next few days his mood declined and became more subdued. When I asked him about it, he said he missed the kids, he felt guilty he'd left them and his wife and was even thinking it would be easier if he went back with her to see the family more. She happened to be looking after grandchildren at the time and basically bombarded him with pics, videos etc to rub his nose in it that she was there and he wasn't!

He asked for some time alone to get his head round things. He said I'm perfect and he's the problem, but I'm not convinced. He's depressed I'm sure and yes he does need to sort his head out but pushing me away won't help.

He is keeping in touch and ignoring me when it suits, I'm really not sure if I can cope much longer. Ive had a shit life with men and I really thought he was different but now I don't know how to deal with this. Is he pushing me so I'll finish it? Or is he genuinely struggling with his emotions? I suggested counselling and he did self refer so I'm hoping that's a good sign?
Any advice would be great.😪

I would give him the space he’s asking for, hard though it is. He probably does feel exactly how he says - guilty and like he’s missing out/left out. You’re not doing yourself any favours hanging around to see if he’ll want you or not - be strong and leave him to it.

Well thats confusing is he saying he wants to go back to his ex wife?

No, he just said it would be easier seeing the kids and grandchildren if he was with her as it's awkward trying to avoid each other. The truth is, his ex will not let go she constantly texts him or rings, under the pretence of talking about the kids.
She makes him feel guilty all the time. He doesn't want to hurt her more so he wants to try and stay friends but she keeps insisting she can't have another woman in her life (me) even though we were together on holiday last year for one of the boys wedding.
He's not in love with her and always said he would never go back so I was shocked when he said that.

His kids are grown up and I'm assuming have homes of their own. How often does he arrange to see them and the GC? That's completely up to him, and totally separate from seeing the ex... I appreciate the ex lives closer, but it sounds a bit like he doesn't put as much effort in, but wants to see the dc/GC without making the effort of arranging it himself. He doesn't have to go back to her to see them more often. Living closer would help, but that's a completely different situation.
Can you encourage him to meet them more often (without ex)? Sorry, but he sounds like he wants the easy life without making the effort.

The ex actually lives in the north where we are, but they ask her to go down south to babysit. The kids are both married and their own homes and families and even if he lived on their doorstep He wouldn't see them all the time as real life takes over!
I always suggest when to go see them as he just lets months roll by. He is lazy where relationships are concerned I guess, I'm the planner.

So he's proposing he get back together with his ex so he doesn't have to make his own effort to visit? I think that level of indifference would really grate on me, if I were you. He sounds hard work and not particularly committed to you, I'm afraid.

This sounds odd. So the kids and grandchildren live hundreds of miles away but he thinks he should get back with his ex to see them?

This smacks to me of 'trying to find a reason to get out of the relationship whilst not looking like the bad guy'. How could you blame a man for wanting to see more of his children (except that they are grown up and he could always move south if he REALLY wanted to see them).

Protect yourself, OP. I can feel a shitstorm coming.

All sounds a bit odd as nothing that you described sounds like getting back together with his ex wife is about the children but about his relationship with her.
There is in actual fact no reason for them to be in constant correspondence and if he is lazy as you say why does he reply or engage with her at all? and why would a conversation about her not wanting you in her life come up? Are these things she has said in your earshot or things he has told you?
Im sorry but it does sound like he isnt giving you the whole story.

My advice would be to ask him to explain what exactly he sees is going on in your relationship and where its going,then if he doesnt answer leave him to it, get on with your life as if you are not together.

I can understand why you're confused, I am!

So he wants to get back with his ex, who lives in the North, so he can see more of his (grown-up) kids, who live in the South with their own families and lives?

Sounds like he either a) Just wants to get back with his ex or b) Wants to end the relationship with you and is using this as a smokescreen.

Either way, would let him get on with it. Sorry.

Thanks for all the advice. I'm pleased I'm not the only one confused. He gives off mixed signals all the time.
The easy route for him is go back to ex, sell both their houses and move south to be with their family.
Nothing to do with love or anything it's just convenience as far as I can see.
He says he wants me but currently I'm just not feeling that. I've offered to go and see them as often as we can afford so ball is in his court with that. If that's the real issue??

Genuinely cant see how thats the real issue or how selling his house and relocating is an easy option.

Also to be honest I dont think it matters whether you believe his decision is about love or some grande form of self sacrifice.

If these things are more important to him than you its time to move on and find someone who knows you are their dirst choice.