How do you do Online Dating?!

[WhendoIgetadayoff]

I mean is there an etiquette. Took plunge the other week had few thumbs up that I can respond to or not. Couple folk have messaged me without this bit first though and they might be lovely but from photo/profile not for me. Do I ignore so can’t be dragged in to anything As I’ve no intention meeting or whatever or or do I reply and say not interested? That seems cold but then I’d think I’d rather just not hear back from someone than messages back and forth and then feel waste time when they’re not interested and doing out politeness.

Sadly seems slim pickings though and I dont think I’ll get any dates!

Advice from anyone who has been online dating much appreciated
Thanks !

I used to not bother replying If I wasn’t interested. Life is too short!

Nicer people may send a quick thanks but you’re not what I’m looking for message, but then they would generally send one bAck, and then do you feel obliged to answer that one too? Where does it stop?

Better just to not bother at all if you’re not interested in them I reckon.

Thanks! That’s what I thought but good to get that advice.

I agree, I used to reply out of politeness if I got messages but then got accused a few times of leading them on so I think it best just to ignore the ones that you aren't interested in!!

Thanks avocado!

I'd say if they go to the trouble of writing something personal that shows they've read your profile, it may be worth a quick chat even if you don't think you fancy them. I've often found that people become more attractive when you talk to them and find out about them, so rather than write them off on looks alone I'd at least reply and see where it goes.

If they then get arsey when you want to bring things to a natural end that's their problem not yours. That's what the block button is for!

I've also found that people whose photos make me go weak at the knees may end up not being so attractive once you get chatting. It pays not to be too choosy to start with.

I mean if they are way too old or 4'2" for example, that might be a deal breaker (although I must confess to fancying the pants off Tyrion Lannister, so even the height thing wouldn't bother me if the right man came along!)

Anyone (no matter how good looking) who messaged a "hey sexy" or some such was ignored. Often they would follow up with a snotty message, confirming that I was right to ignore!

It's a minefield but try not narrow the field too much or you could miss out on your perfect man for something superficial.

Thanks Relationship another good insight for this novice. The messages I got weren’t people who kind of did the nudge thing first to see if I do back. I can tell from profile it’s not right - eg I don’t want more children and they are at would consider. And one over 20 years older and nearly my mums age!
But you’re right to not discount. One guy photos makes me think only maybe his profile does speak out To me - also got kids similar interests etc so if he went next step I’d definitely think worthwhile and worth the chat.

I will watch out for the hey sexy chat - I think it’s unlikely with me and agree terrible start but can I be secretly pleased that anyone thought that of me - at least for ego boost !?

It’s fine to be secretly pleased ;) but I agree, be wary of the “hey sexy” ones and any who seem a bit too “good to be true”. I’m embarrassed to admit it but I ended up agreeing to dates with a couple of guys purely because they were attractive and I was flattered by their attention, am not hugely confident about my looks, but turns out they just wanted to try and get me drunk and into bed! Luckily for me I have a high tolerance for alcohol (hence why I joined the dry babes thread, lol) but these are guys who told me they wanted a relationship etc and it was all just a scam. When they didn’t get sex from me they ghosted me and i’m 100% sure that if they had got sex they would have ghosted me also. I’ve since come to learn that many men will prey on a woman who maybe isn’t so confident in themselves, thinking they can persuade her into bed more easily.

Interestingly enough, having now learnt to see through it, I recently changed my profile to say that I don’t mix alcohol with first/second dates so i’d meet someone for a coffee first, maybe followed up by a lunch date. I now see lots of guys look at my profile but the messages have gone way down! I don’t mind. It just means I don’t have to waste my time on any more losers! But it tells you something.

Hi OP
Interestingly, the only two guys I've felt I could have a relationship with didn't actually look that attractive on their profile pics. After on-line messaging I agreed to meet and was very pleasantly surprised how good they looked in the flesh! You just never know, is what I'm saying. My current b/f who I am silently sitting on the smitten bench with is gorgeous in my eyes.
A very sensible approach to avoid alcohol on the first date, wish I'd done that more!
Good luck x

Interesting Storm ... think you’ve hit the nail on the head!

I don't photograph well and I bet some men don't either, so I wouldn't write off on looks alone. Check their profiles and only acknowledge men that seem to have something in common with you, or mention your profile in a message (too many men leap straight on 'new joiners' without even reading their profile). Sorry to say but many men think 'hey sexy' is a winning chat up line guaranteed to make women fall into bed with them, so ignore those (unless you really fancy them, of course).

And don't have too long a list of deal-breakers. You might think you hate facial hair and dogs, but find yourself dating a guy with a Father Christmas beard and a wolfhound, because he's just the right man for you!

I agree with the comments about photos. Pretty much everybody I met on the sites looked better in the flesh, even if they were fairly photogenic.

I know I don't photograph well at all, but at least that helps when I do meet people since I think I'm generally a pleasant surprise. My g/f (meet via OLD) had one photo that was OK, and two that were pretty awful - one made her look 10 years older. In the flesh she is stunning.

I have a female friend who has the opposite problem - she is a good looking girl, but in photos she is often absolutely stunning - she is very photogenic. She's been on OLD and sometimes felt she was a disappointment when people saw her in real life.

A friend of mine does the occasional sarcastic response to the 'hey sexy' ones. When she was just getting started and hadn't uploaded a photo yet, she got 'photo?' and responded with 'full sentences?' - made me laugh at the time.

The whole OLD scares me a little but I have to take the plunge eventually too.

I'd chat to anyone when I started OLD as I only signed up to have some online company in the cold winter evenings! I never intended to meet anyone IRL. There were a few men who looked stunning from their photos and it was a real ego boost to think they were interested in me but I never met up with them.

There was this one bloke who kept popping up suggested contacts but I never bothered messaging him. One night no-one I was chatting to was online so I dropped him a hello message, and more than 2 years later we're still together

So enjoy the attention, take everything with a bucket of salt and keep your options open - you never know what might happen!

AndAlongCameABadger - I'd never start a conversation like that (I was always happy to chat to people without photos and even met a few) - but if I did, her response would make me smile enough that I'd want to talk to her more.

A friend recommended a paid site and I found my fiancé! I got a lot of you are so sexy or do you fancy a shag 😂 I ignored these and ended up whittling down to two nice men. Then my fiancé came online and winked at me so I chatted with him. Met a week later and the rest is history!

Met my OH on OLD. My advice would be to have fun. I used to send random messages just for a laugh and found I got more responses to them than I did well constructed messages.

Brilliant advice thank you all. As Totally helpful wonderful people - no wonder you all got dates!

And Zaphod I’m away to find that bearded man with wolfhound because to be honest he does sound perfect for me!!

Many thanks mumsnetters