DV Help

[Essexdarling]

So I’m a survivor of domestic violence, I was very lucky to have no children with him and it was a case of after 3 years of physical and mental abuse I built up enough strength to leave, emergency injunction, divorce and 100 mile away move, I’m safe now. But Just had a call about my sister in law, her husband has attacked her infront of their eldest son, hit her so hard he knocked out some teeth!!! He’s left, with all the passports, she won’t involve the police as she doesn’t want social services to get involved with 3 ds’s, they’ve had their ups and downs and he’s always been aggressive and smashed up the house etc but as far as I know he’s never actually hit her before, he’s always controlled her mentally. I’m being told not to contact her as it’s all a big fucking secret, I’m so upset and absolutely devastated for my nephews, I know how humiliating it all is but how alone you can feel, I just want her to know I’m here for her and all her options as I have an extensive knowledge of the legal ways she can protect herself and the children! Is it just me but she needs support? we’re very close and she’s confided in me previously about his behaviour, am I too close to this situation to see things clearly and respect her privacy

Call her

Yes call her

Was it another family member that called you?

Who is telling you not to contact her?

I'd want to go and be with her, and to stand guard outside her door in case that twat of a husband of hers came back, but I realise that's not always practical. I'd also want to get social services involved because they will protect the children if she's not able to, and will try to protect her too.

Frankly I'd call the Police and report it on her behalf. But at the very least I'd contact her and let her know she's got a friend who understands where she is.

@kirta my mother in law told my long term partner as he stopped round hers unexpectedly, she’d been out all day paying £1500 to have my sil teeth wired back in!!! almost feel like it’s not my place to get involved but I’m scared for her and the kids, maybe I’m too close to the situation as I’ve been there before but I really feel I should reach out, I’ve been specifically NOT to get involved, I don’t want to cause any family issues

Not popular to say on here but I can see why she doesn't want ss involved. Can't you support her if your close whats the problem?

@ontherise I’m 100 miles away and as soon as he called I had one leg in my jeans and one hand on my trusty baseball bat! My mother in law told my partner but I just don’t see how covering it all up is helping, it’s not secret he’s fucking nasty bastard!! I had issues with social services whist I was in the thick of my abuse and they offered me no help! I was basically told to get rid of him or lose my kids, they didnt understand that I would put us at risk by upsetting him, they offered no help with refuge or legal support just that they would take my children and get me charged with neglect! She knows about all this, I was lucky with mine as he was always abusive behind closed doors and he finally punched me in the face in public, I had witnesses and proof and I could get away from him, he was arrested and got a suspended sentence, by the time he was released from the police station and returned to his mums he was served with an emergency injunction. Her husband has had the police called to the house once when they broke up over a year ago and he wouldn’t leave, started smashing up the house and the kids were there, he’s Weasled his way back in over past 8 months with empty promises and now this!

I also understand the fear of SS involvement, they can have a tendency to victim blame. Could she go into a refuge? Or there’s the sanctuary scheme where she can have a panic alarm etc if she needs to stay in her home. Although that would require intervention from some kind of professional. Problem is if anyone at all has an inking of what’s going on, for example what story did they tell the, I presume dentist, about how she lost her teeth? Well if someone tells the authorities or neighbours call the police, she could well find SS involved anyway and then it will be far far worse for her that she didn’t speak up. That would be the point then when they are saying she isn’t protecting her kids. Reading back through your post in fact i’m surprised SS weren’t called last time he kicked off.

This is a harsh truth but at the moment her children are very much at risk, and the risk to her is immense. Personally I would ignore whatever the family say and if you can help her get out, please do so, before he kills her.

@storm4star those were my exact words to DP! (Her brother)
The whole family brush everything under the carpet and cover up secrets! I understand the embarrassment and shame she feels and why she would want to cover it all up but I know he’s capable of hurting her or the kids again. SS made things 100 times worse for me and caused me some lovely broken ribs when I tried to break things off without support or help in place and she knows in detail what they done to me. she won’t move or make a fuss she’s the type that will suffer in silence to save face

Yeah I hear what your saying, but he’s done this in front of her son and she has to realise that is going to have consequences. In my previous job I actually worked with a lot of DV perps, and while it’s true that not all men who saw their mothers abused go on to be abusers, a lot of abusers did witness their mothers being abused. I think we can all agree that abusive men lack respect for women. Well for some that lack of respect is founded on a loss of respect for their mother, watching her silently take the beatings and the abuse and doing nothing about it, which then flows into a lack of respect for all women.

Your in a difficult position. You could report it anonymously. The police would have a duty to investigate but obviously that then brings about the SS involvement.

I mentioned in another post that my kids are grown now but when they were very young I was in a similar situation and one of my closest friends told me “you need to get out or I will inform SS myself”. Was I angry with her at the time? Honestly, yes. However...she did the best thing for me that anyone could have done. I left him a month later and never went back.

@storm4star just got off the phone to DP, he’s gonna stay down there tonight as his mums really upset too, she left his abusive dad when they were little (when he hospitalised her from a beating!) She saw SS step in and make things worse as a child, I understand her fear and going to respect their wishes for now... I’ve told DP keeping all these secrets isn’t helping, they are all enabling the abuse and teaching the kids to lie for their dad! he’s agreed to speak to her and let her know I’m here for her too, I’ve offered her (via mil) a weekend away break that I booked for our family, just so she can get away somewhere safe with the kids and maybe get some perspective away from all the drama. Something needs to happen I’ve offered support through DP, I just hope she takes it now. this drags up so many of my own painful memories, I don’t think that wound will ever fully heal tbh...