feeling so guilty for leaving him

[imgoodatnapping]

Sorry for a ridiculously long post.

My (now ex) partner and I had been together almost 4 years. We own a house together, have two little kitties, were engaged, and had been trying for a baby for two years.
Sometime in the last year, perhaps even before, I knew I wasn't really happy.
He is a lovely lovely guy. He absolutely adores me, he's not nasty or anything. But I just felt like...he couldn't give me what I wanted or needed.
Despite being 32, ten years older than me, I felt like a 'mummied' him a lot. He relied on me for almost everything, wasn't very independent, and if I didn't do things they'd wouldn't get done. I'd always wanted to settle down young so therefore rushed into doing it all as soon as I could.

He was also quite childish. I told him how I felt numerous times and he would just sigh and huff and puff, he'd say he'd try and make things better, but nothing ever changed. After every argument I'd 'break up' with him and then we'd make up and everything would go back to normal (until the next argument.) I never really felt engaged to him and I realised I wasn't excited to marry him. I started imaging myself with other people.

I have really bad mental health and it was just getting worse and worse. I put my bad feelings about the relationship down to that, said I'd get myself better, and then hopefully things would start working out again. I think I knew somewhere in my mind that the relationship was contributing to my bad MH. I often said I'd rather end my life than have to make the decision about whether to stay with him or not.

I recently moved offices at work and started to develop feelings for one of my new colleagues. I hated myself for thinking of another person this way. I worried about it so much that I barely ate, and when I did eat I made myself sick afterwards.

A couple of weekends ago, I went to a works' night out. I got very very drunk (I rarely drink) and me and this other guy got quite close - nothing actually happened - but it could've and in my head I knew I wanted it to.

I cried with guilt to my partner the next morning and told him I think it'd be best for us to break up. At first I said it might just be break apart whilst I get my mental health better. But in the short time we've been separated I feel lighter, happier, and freer. The thought of getting back into the relationship makes me feel miserable, even though in a way I do still love him (but I think thats the part of me that wants to 'mother' him.)

I can't stop feeling guilty. I feel like I'm the most vile person ever. His whole world has been crushed because of me. I've told him this is likely to be permanent now but he isn't having it and genuinely believes it's just a phase and that we'll be back together soon. But I really want to just move on with my life and enjoy being a single person. I feel awful for always thinking about my colleague too. After the night out he told me he doesn't want to be in a relationship, and I don't want to get into another relationship yet anyway. But that doesn't stop me from really liking him.

I'm also so worried: What if I'm doing the wrong thing? I've built a life for myself, and now I'm going to throw it away? I'm worried because, he's 32, and he's ready to settle down. What if he doesn't meet somebody else? What if he falls in love again and they break his heart like I have? Because I feel as though I've 'mothered' him, I feel like it's my job to look after him and that by leaving him, I'm being an awful person. What if I never meet someone who loves me the way he did? I would've been settling but, what if thats the best I could've got? Four years of memories and holidays and amazing times together, and all the plans we had for the future, just gone. I am sad about it, and imagining my life without him. But I do believe I've made the right decision.

We still live together and everytime I bring up the fact that one of us is going to have to move out he changes the subject and even once said he'd wait until June or July.....how can I move on when we're living together? But then how can I let him live by himself? Yeah he's 32 but...he's like a child...he can't look after himself.
Then there's the fact that he's crushed and broken, and I'm spending my day thinking about another guy. It's not fair.

Part of me wishes I hadn't gone on that night out. Everything would be the same as it was. But then I know that I'm happier now and I'm glad of my decision. I didn't break up with him because of the night out or the other guy. I knew I had to do it and should've done it ages ago, but always felt like I needed more of a reason. Well this gave me that final push. And I'm glad it did.

How do I stop this horrible guilt? Am I an awful awful person for developing feelings for another person? And thinking about them even though I've only just come out of a relationship? Have I made the right decision? I think I have, but what if I haven't? I want to stop feeling terrible, but I can't :(

Thanks all.

At first I said it might just be break apart whilst I get my mental health better.

I've told him this is likely to be permanent now but he isn't having it and genuinely believes it's just a phase and that we'll be back together soon.

You break up with him every time you have an argument then get back together. Now you’re wondering why he believes it’s a phase and you’ll be back together soon?

I’m sorry, I think you’ve treated him appallingly. I don’t think you’re an awful person but I do think you need to draw a clear line under this for his sake. It really isn’t fair on him. You say he’s childish but your behaviour makes you seem very immature.

Sorry I am with lechat, this poor man was not your play going to pick up and grow away as you pleased.

Yes you probably did break his heart but no doubt someone will come along and put it back together for him and he will finally have a woman who appreciates him quirks and all.

Hope your new romance works out for you and I hope you leave your poor ex to get over what you had done to him. Move on and stop wasting his time.

And sort yourself out with what you want before ruining someone else's life.

Just move out
Leave him alone completely to get his life back together
Do not string him along with your guilt, that’s just bloody cruel

I’m not with the previous posters. Your only 22, I think you’ve been very brave. It’s very hard to walk away from a stable and loving relationship, own a property, engaged, pets and trying for a baby etc. So many would just stay. The time to end things if your not truly happy is now before marriage and children when leaving would only be harder and have more serious consequences and impact children.

For what it’s worth I was similar to you at your age. In a relationship for 5 years with someone much older than I. We owned a house, were engaged and TTC not far off. I left, he wasn’t bad, but I knew it wasn’t right for me. I also felt much guilt, so much so that I left him the house and everything in it (I wouldn’t advise that though) it takes time to get over a relationship even when your the one leaving it. He will get over it to, and he will learn to look after himself too, he is a grown man so it’s about time he learned. He also won’t be an incapable as you think, he just been incapable up to now because you take care of it.

As for what the previous posters have said, no it’s not ideal you’ve threatened to break up with him so many times before. These things happen though and especially when your young, it’s just going to take him a bit longer to really get the message that this is real that’s all.

Are you only 22? If this is your first split then your feelings are understandable.

Guilt is not needed here, you have a right to leave a relationship.The chances of meeting your life partner at 22 is slim.

Be resolute in your decision and start to plan an exit strategy.You will find solutions to housing even if it takes a while.

Aw honey

I have been there, but we were already married and I promise you, it is much much worse after you've made the vows so you did the right thing to end it now. I know the guilt is awful but you will be ok, and he will be ok. Here's a thing I read ages ago: people who are happy in relationships do not post on forums about their unhappy relationships. You weren't happy. That's enough of a reason to leave. He could be a fantastic person - my ex was - but that doesn't mean he's right for you. And here's another thing: don't think "would I be happy if this behaviour changed?" Think :"would I be happy if this never changed?" And in terms of your dynamic together you wouldn't have been, it sounds like. It killed me leaving my ex, picturing him sad and lonely. It still does at times to be honest. But life goes on. I'm with someone I adore and who adores me, and who on a deep, gut level (that I didn't even believe in before) I know I'm supposed to be with. I hope you find that too, and I hope my ex has, and I hope yours does. It'll be ok. Take care.

You need a completely clean break for BOTH of you. This is not a healthy situation for either of you and you need to move on

So he is 32 and you are worried he is incapable of existing without you.

How did he survive the first 28 years? Especially the 10 years since leaving school?

He will be fine. Do not make him your responsibility. He is responsible for himself. Move out. Move on. And live well.

You sound incredibly immature tbh

You sound incredibly immature tbh

She's allowed to be immature at 22! OK, some people are very mature at that age or even younger, but most are not (I, for example, like my mother before me, didn't even have a boyfriend until I was 23). It's certainly far too young to tie yourself to another adult who needs looking after. I do wonder, though, how much he genuinely needs looking after and how much he's pretending so Muggins will do it for him. There's a lot of it about.

Thanks all for your responses, especially those who are helping me realise that what I'm going through is normal. Yes I am young and pretty immature, but I will learn from this :) thanks!

Yes you probably did break his heart but no doubt someone will come along and put it back together for him and he will finally have a woman who appreciates him quirks and all.

More likely he will find another young girl to guilt trip into mothering him, which presumably includes cleaning and cooking for him.

His quirks are that he is a lazy man child.

PP, please don't throw your life away on this idiot. You're 22! Sorry in advance for being payrobsing, but you're a baby!!

Women leave their feckless partners and find love on their 30s and beyond!

You owe this prat nothing.

Yeah he's 32 but...he's like a child...he can't look after himself
Of course he can.
He managed it before you came along.
You are not his 'saviour'
You are NOT his mother.
You are 22.
Please get away now and get out there and live your life.
Enjoy it.
This is not the man for you.
You are separated and you already feel happier and freer.
That's all you need to know.
People get their hearts broken all the time.
It's human nature.
It sucks, but we get over it and move on.
I'm starting again and nearly 50.
You are NOT responsible for this man or his happiness.
Sort out a proper separation.
It's hell living in the same house.

And stop making yourself sick.
I'm burying a very close relative soon and a lot of this illness was due to her eating disorder and being sick all the time.
Do NOT do this to yourself.

He was also quite childish. I told him how I felt numerous times and he would just sigh and huff and puff, he'd say he'd try and make things better, but nothing ever changed.
If it had been the other way round, and he'd come to you saying that you were far too old for your age, and needed to lighten up and stop taking everything so seriously, would you have changed your being so as to be what he wanted?

This is not about him being rubbish, it's about you both not being compatible. Hardly an uncommon thing for a 22-year-old to break up with her boyfriend. My daughter has been with her first boyfriend since she was 18 and he's a lovely young man, but I secretly hope that they will not stay together! At that age I had absolutely no experience either, stayed with him and spent 20 years not realising what I was missing. It wasn't all bad either, I just didn't realise how much better it could have been!

After those 20 years, my ex got himself another woman, so I was in your ex's shoes, except aged 45 and with 2 teenagers. I hated the disrespectful way he broke our marriage, but I don't feel like I will never meet anyone again - I've been catching up on the lack of experience to be honest :). My dad and stepdad were both a good few years older than your ex when they met my stepmum and my mum, and had children. And neither of them is an obviously amazing catch, lovely though they both are :)

I've told him this is likely to be permanent now
Tell him that it is permanent! And yes, stop punishing yourself physically. Have you had counselling before? Might be a good time to go again.