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Original poster

When do you know whether to call it a day???

23 replies

Nemo2007 · 13/05/2007 12:31

I have been on here before posting about DH and I just dont know what to do. This morning yet again we had another talk in terms of our relationship and how I feel unsupported and like he resents the children.I am fed up of constantly being the one to take care of our children. I love my children and would never be without them but as I told DH they are his children too. Now he works so fair enough I do most of the housework and gardening etc, however surely he should be willing to help with the children instead of making it feel like a chore or even snapping at them for being toddlers!! I love DH with all I have but I love my children more and hate to think they will grow up thinking they annoy daddy etc. Dont get me wrong he isnt nasty or physical he is just snappy and they irritate him if he has been home for a while and he wants to go on his computer etc. I did think it was because he was home after loosing his job and we have been through a stressful 3 yrs but more and more I realise I am putting myself last and him and children first.

OP posts:
Original poster
Nemo2007 · 13/05/2007 12:55

anyone

OP posts:
NuttyMuffins · 13/05/2007 12:58

Not sure I can really advise, but xp was also like that with the kids, always treating them like they were constantly irritating him.

Is your DH working now ?

yoyoma · 13/05/2007 12:58

Is youor dh having a hard time at work?- my dad was a bit grumpy but thats cos he was really overworked.

Original poster
Nemo2007 · 13/05/2007 12:59

nutty yes he has been back at work for about 6wks now so know it isnt just the stress of that/having had a 3rd dc. I just dont get him at all as he does love his children but doesnt actually want to be around them or do anything with them.

OP posts:
Original poster
Nemo2007 · 13/05/2007 13:00

yoyoma I asked him that but he said no he loves his job and really enjoys it as he is finally doing something he really wanted to!

OP posts:
stressteddy · 13/05/2007 13:02

I don't think anyone can really undestand the full on work aspect of children until they actually have them
It's a hard adjustment
a lot do struggle with the early years

I am so sorry you feel this way

xx
ps. when you talk is it really talking or is it accusations being thrown each way??

NuttyMuffins · 13/05/2007 13:02

What do you think he would be like with them if left on his own ? I mean say if 2 nights a week when he got home, you went out for a walk or something and left him too it.

Original poster
Nemo2007 · 13/05/2007 13:29

stressteddy it is real talking most of the time

nutty I cant leave him with them as he isnt here when he has been in work and works shifts. He did tell me to go out to get some time alone but when and where is a bit of a nightmare. It isnt even time alone I want its him to spend time with his kids. I know if I go out he will just sit them in front of the tv.

OP posts:
Frizbe · 13/05/2007 13:34

Nemo have you tried writing this down for him? or sitting him down and having a real heart to heart without getting into slagging?
Just thinking cause I have to do this with dh every now and again, particularly with regards to ss, as for a while he thought being a parent was putting him infront of tv or computer, I nearly got assinated when I dared to suggest this wasn't parenting at its best but we're over it now, and he makes efforts to do things with them. HTH's {{{hugs}}}}

yoyoma · 13/05/2007 13:36

do you think his idea of being a parent may have come from his parents? is it possible that he thinks that being uninvolved is simply how dads are?

ShinyHappyPeopleHoldingHands · 13/05/2007 13:47

Nemo.. picture him in your mind, with someone else.. is this thought unbearable? If it is, you love him and want to be with him. If the idea doesn't bother you all that much, then you DO have food for thought with regard to calling it a day.

Most of what you describe - to me - doesn't immediately sound like "end of relationship" scenario. If you can afford it, Relate would be helpful. (They work out what you pay according to what you earn, so if you are on as low income you won't have to pay all that much.)

WanderingTrolley · 13/05/2007 13:49

Do you think he might need time to 're-bond' with them?

What if you took two out and left him home with one (or sent him out with one)?

And how often do you the two of you get to go out together, for a meal?

Toddlers are hard work, and you only get the rewards when you put the time in, imo. Sounds like he isn't doing that - maybe he's overwhelmed by three at once, and sees him self as a father of 3(?) instead of father of dc1, dc2, and dc3, so can't think what it's like to have individual relationships with each of them.

noddyholder · 13/05/2007 13:50

I'm not sure about the picture him with someone else scenario tbh.There are a lot of people who are ragingly possessive and jealous in their relationships but not really in love.You need to maybe subtley start putting yourself first in a few areas and see how he reacts Do you ever go out as a family?

Original poster
Nemo2007 · 13/05/2007 14:19

I am not saying I dont love him as I do and dont think that would ever stop. I more trying to think in terms of the future for my children and them feeling miserable because daddy isnt interested in them if that makes sense. We have been through exceptionally hard times since having Ds and the girls but regardless of that he shouldnt be so peeved at being with his children. We dont get out as a family because he doesnt ever want to come so I take the children out alone. I cant remember the last time he came to the park or anything of the like with us. I could understand if he only got one day off etc but every 2 wks he has 3 days off together[next lot is this tue,wed,thurs].by Wed he will be shouting at the kids for being loud, or annoying by playing with his computer while he is on it etc..typical things a 3yrold and4mth and 17mth old do.

We dont get to go out alone much but that is due to not having people to look after the kids. We dont have a lot of money either but we used to do stuff like get a portion of chips and sit in the car talking etc,now we barely talk. When we had our weekend away I did have a frank discussion about all this with him, not even in a nasty way just saying how I felt and how the children reacted to him etc.

OP posts:
MrsWeasley · 13/05/2007 14:46

Remind us Nemo please, How old are your LO's ? Do you have any family nearby who could take them for a sleepover/weekend whilst you just have some "you" time?

Wotzsaname · 13/05/2007 14:56

Nemo, many couples have low periods, it can't be all light and happiness, which I am sure you are aware of.

If you have had a frank discussion with him, give him a week or so to see if it makes any difference. Your dcs are young and I remember feeling just like you (with only 2 dcs).

Sometimes things just feel like too much. You need to take some time for yourself.

Go to the shops (window shopping) or sit in the park with a book for and our on your own and get him to look after his children while you do it. Don't worry that he will end up shouting at them while you are not there, he won't, he may even even enjoy it.

Original poster
Nemo2007 · 13/05/2007 15:05

It isnt just a normal low period, we have been together for 11yrs but the past 2 I have been thinking we wont last due to his attitude which is not becoming more prominent. Our Dc are 3.6,17m and 4m so all very young. PIL are not able to look after more than one at a time and tend to go for the oldest and my family cant have them due to the abuse issues and stepfather still being part of their family unit.

OP posts:
Wotzsaname · 13/05/2007 15:14

Nemo...It sounds like you don't think things will change for the better then?

People stay together or part for various reasons, only you can decide what is best for you all.

I could happily have left my DH on various occasions in the last 10 years, but at the end of the day, I wouldn't be without him. He can be, a very annoying old git, at times, which I tell him often! He then calls me a silly old moaning bint...

and then we laugh at how stupid it all is!

If there is no laughter, being together can be a very lonely place!

notsofarnow · 13/05/2007 15:30

Nemo i could have written your post back 9 months or so ago. My h has subsequently left and says that he does not love me and doesn't want to be here. This showed in his irritability with the children - it seemed they were always in their way, they couldn't even be in the living room without him being peeved.

Lo's are hard work and I know where your coming from on the front of no one to look after them too, my family live 150 miles away.

If you love him and he loves you then you can make it work, but it has to built on love and trust.

I thought we were forever but that isn't to be, I really hope you can work it out.

sunnysideup · 13/05/2007 16:33

I think this is part of your situation really and I think it will get better as they get older. Three kids IS a chore as I'm sure you know, and it means there's hardly any time for yourself or for you and your DH to look after yourselves or each other in a loving husband and wife kind of way.

If this was me I'd take the long view. I've looked at your pictures and you have the most gorgeous family....you can preserve this perhaps by taking this long view and maybe making a 'survival' plan. The thing that I couldn't put up with is your DH's irritability with the kids. I would sit him down and tell him that....he really won't want them to have those memories.....I'd make a plan with him of times when you'll keep the kids amused so that he can go on the computer unmolested....but when that time's up, he needs to get involved and play with them.

I just think you still sound so full of love for him...yes he needs to shape up..but I do also think you just need to hunker down and get through these early years together; they are damn hard and exhausting.

I would also investigate a babysitting agency if I were you; it's easy to say it's impossible to get time alone but I think if it were me I'd really treat that as a priority, even if only once a month....

Frizbe · 13/05/2007 20:06

Nemo, do you think your dh could be a tad depressed? maybe you could suggest you both take a trip to docs together to discuss your joint behaviour??

Original poster
Nemo2007 · 14/05/2007 14:45

Friz he possibly is depressed but is unwilling to do anything about it and his weight etc apart from moan. We talked again last night and have agreed to try for another 3mths and if nothing changes then we will have a trial seperation.

OP posts:
Frizbe · 14/05/2007 17:18

Oh Nemo {{{{Hugs}}}} somehow you need to make him see (lord knows how) that he needs to go to the docs, rather than seperate

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