Relate - does it work?

[namechanged77]

I know there have been other threads on this - so sorry for starting another, but the most recent seemed to have lots of posts deleted!

We are about to start Relate so I wondered what other people's experiences were - and what has meant it worked?

I feel we should do it, but I'm not sure it's going to work. DH has been very difficult to live with for significant periods - OK now, but memories won't fade - and so I have withdrawn practically completely from the relationship.

So what makes it counselling work? How much do you stand up for your own opinions? (That's a really important point for me - how do you know when you're being self-centred and when you're standing up for yourself?!?) And how much do you have to compromise?

It didn't work for us. The counsellor thought we were a lovely couple who just needed to spend more time together and communicate - she recommended 2 evenings a week, for at least a couple of hours.

XH couldn't spare the time to talk to me mid-week (or any other time bar Saturday night) and we divorced a year later.

Counselling only works if the person being counselled puts in the effort AND if the counsellor is a good one for them.

If you're not prepared to make the effort, or are resistant to dealing with certain problems, you're not going to see much change.

If you disagree with your counsellor on how relationships are meant to work, again, it won't work for you.

I went in the hope it would make exh accept our marriage was over. An odd man in socks and sandals told me I had hang ups about sex!!
I didn't I just didn't want to sleep with my not so 'd' h.
It felt like my exh had primed him to represent him tbh!!

It didn't work for me. Relate, IME of the local one, wasn't very good. Various reasons. But I don't think it would have worked even if they had been good. Counselling is not recomended in abusive relationships, I have found since. Doesn't mean it won't work for you, assuming your relationship is not abusive.

Counselling only works if the person being counselled puts in the effort AND if the counsellor is a good one for them.

This. Plus, sometimes 'working' is separating amicably and like adults. 'Working' is getting a result that is best for both parties, not just saving a marriage.

Thanks all. I have been told he shows signs of coercive/emotionally abusive behaviour, and also that counselling doesn't work with that kind of man.

BUT I can't tell him about any of that and, in case he's one of the few who can behave like that but change, I want to work out how to go into this with the best approach.

I know if it doesn't work (in the sense that we split) he will have a list of criticisms of me - and I just want to feel I've given it my best shot.

Well, first of all we were not councelled. She told us she was the to listen to us, not advise us. So my DW started, when I interrupted my DW, as she was telling a blatant lie, which I could prove, I was told that I was the problem. My wife's emotional affair was all my fault as I did not listen to her. I could not stand the lies. When I got to talk, I was harangued. Also like she had been primed. My wife and I have sorted out problems out, but I would never, ever, go back to relate. I felt attacked. I am not blameless, but the councellor had decided it was all my fault. There was no councelling. It was one of the worst hours of my life. Just my view.