Approaching 50 & feeling trapped.

[chickensaresafehere]

I am getting to the big 5 0 in a couple of years & wondering what I'm doing with my life.
I have a older dd,who is 18, & I am a carer for my younger dd,who is 11,but has SN (cannot speak,learning disability).Basically my life revolves around my younger dd & has done for the past 11 years,she is very dependent on me (she attends a special school).
I currently have a part time job in an independent brewery,which fits in with my dd,but my boss is selling up,so I will be out of work at the end of May.Finding work is very difficult for me,not so much during school time,but especially in the school holidays.
I have been married for 10 years to a wonderful man,and we have a good relationship,but he struggles with emotional issues,especially discussing them & as a result I keep a lot of things to myself.
I have struggled with anxiety & depression over the past 20 years,but I am successfully managing it with CBT & do not currently feel depressed.I am also an introvert,one,maybe two close friends.I'm not keen on social situations & this only seems to get worse the older I get!
I am an only child & lost my Dad last year (dementia) so I also care for my Mum,she is reasonably active,but lives alone with not many friends & relies on me.
I sometimes have the overwhelming desire to just run away,but I obviously wouldn't because of my dd.I have started looking at our future together as a family (which usually I try not to!) & it makes me feel even more trapped,as I will be caring for my dd for,at least, the next 10 years.I worry about her future & her vulnerability.
I don't know what has brought this on & I have no one to discuss it with,which is why I've posted here.
What can I do to not feel this way?

You're suffering from burnout OP. Too much caring for others not enough caring for yourself and that way lies either physical or mental breakdown or both if you don't start prioritising your needs for once in your life.
You say you're an introvert, ok so joining groups and clubs may not be the way to go for you right now but signing up for a class or a course where you retain your independence but can join in or not with social events as and when you choose could be a way forward. Or maybe something simple such as a regular visit to the library for books that will entertain you followed by an hour in a coffee shop just you and one of those new books.
Point is, if you don't schedule in a regular 'break', from it all, no-one else will. You must take control and find a window in the week, a regular, non negotiable window of time that belongs just to you.

That's how it feels - burnout. I do have time to myself during the day,but I end up slumped on the sofa watching crap on the tv & then wonder why I feel awful!!
I don't think I could join a group,I do enjoy my own company but need to find something absorbing to do that takes me away from the stresses & strains of day to day life.I do go to yoga on a Tuesday evening which I really enjoy & find helpful, & I also have 2 dogs which need walking,so that gets me out in the fresh air.
I have bought myself a sketch pad & I am going to have a go at drawing,in the hope I might do some painting,if I enjoy it.
I am going to breakdown,one way or another,if I don't make a change now!

I think anyone would feel the same in your situation op. You are caring for your child and your mother, mourning the loss of your father and worrying about looming redundancy. Please don't give yourself a hard time for feeling like this, it is absolutely understandable.

Since I assume you don't really want to run away from your family, could you make a list of the stresses and look at each one to see whether anything can be done.

Could your dh or older dd do more to help, or negotiate some time out for yourself?

Could you talk to your dm about cutting down the visits, or ask her to come to your house instead, even help out a bit? I know I would be horrified if my adult dc were struggling but didn't ask me for help.

In terms of work, could you find something that allows you to work when your dh is at home, evenings or weekends?

If the people around you are used to you being the strong one who does everything, they will allow that to continue; you need to make them listen.

I am the strong one,well on the surface anyway! I run the house & organise everything,as that is what I think I need to do because I don't work full time & I think that my eldest dd & my dh take this for granted,but I really only have myself to blame for that.

But it's been the same for years.
I really wouldn't know where to start to change it now

Op, I think you're right to try having a go at art. I use it as my therapy and it's wonderful. I too prefer my own company although I do enjoy seeing others and have found a wonderful local art group that combines both these needs. As an introvert, I think the secret is to have something to focus on so I recommend looking for a local adult art class. Good luck!

Just one man-thank you that looks really helpful

OP I also think it's burnout and being everything to everyone. Maybe try to replan your life and redistribute the load, allowing yourself more me time

I might struggle to get up an hour earlier,as I'm already up at 6am but the list idea sounds very helpful & I will definitely try it.
I haven't done any sort of art since my school days,so I'm not sure how it'll go! I might have a go on my own first before looking for an art class but I really like the idea of loosing myself in a drawing or painting.

JustOneMan
I have got a notebook & have written those 7 questions in it & I AM going to try & do it everyday.I will keep it by by bed & do it when I wake before I get up.
Thank you.
Let dh read this,but we are still struggling to open up the lines of communication,but I suppose it will be difficult after years of not really doing it.