Unorthodox and complicated situation. Teenager from care. Possible drugs. Anyone who's been in any such sitiation, I want to do my utmost, any advice?

[Pebbles59]

Name changed for obvious reasons.
I am going to put in as many details as I think are required but if any more are required please ask.

My partner and her pp had their 2 children removed 12 years ago. DP has excellent relationship with the eldest.

Youngest is leaving care soon.
I've been with my partner 4 years. Not long after we got together, DPs youngest(15 at time) got in touch with me and asked for help getting them back in touch. I developed a relationship with the DC, we spent a lot of time days out, visits etc. I then liaised with social workers, care workers etc, a painstaking and LONG task but a plan was eventually put in place and they began to develop a relationship which I facilitated, supported and supervised under advice of careworkers and social workers. They spent xmas together last year, all very good. DC also expressed that as soon as they left care, they wanted to move in with DP( who lives a fair way away from them).

Anyway shortly after that DPs youngest DC moved to a new children's facility and a communication breakdown from the old one, sw leaving, etc etc meant they had no record of all this and as far as they thought, neither me nor DP were permitted to see DC. This took months to sort as sw left around same time and DC didn't have one at all, nobody seemed to have any answers,it was an utter nightmare, very stressful, but has been sorted now, new sw appears so far to be excellent.

Either as a direct result or just circumstance, during the no contact period DC began hanging around with a bad crowd. SW has advised me they think (hard) drugs may be involved. I'm worried sick obviously as I love the DC to bits. Prior to this they wanted to work,were on a college course, had decent friends, I'd known DC to smoke weed casually but nothing else.

Anyway, as collectively we all want to get DC away from this, there's a strong possibility DC may be moving in with DP soon although they've also expressed that they want to stay where they are hanging about on the street with this crowd.

I want to ask ,
How can I best deal with tantrums, DC will likely miss the 'friends' and drugs if indeed, they are present.
DC has a lot of anger on occasion. I am always calm, non-reactive and pragmatic in such situations. Anything else I could do?
How can I support DP in order to help them have a strong relationship?
I am not experienced with kids in care's issues. However I am trained in psychiatry and counselling and have some experience in addiction. I am not the best person for this situation but not the worst.
Things I have thought so far are;

Make myself available ( I work fulltime but have applied to go part time soon). (DP works part time, not through choice more through job cuts although this could also be a good thing for now).

-Plan some fun, things to do together, to try to help DC feel at home and help them see other things in life than what they've been doing.
Talk to DP, make sure we're on the same page as to how we deal with this.
Make sure DC knows we both love them no matter what
Help DC look for jobs, college etc

Make sure we put a plan in place with SWs and aftercare workers.

Any input welcome. I've gone into this with eyes open, I have boundaries in place, but I know things could go wrong and I am looking to minimise that likelihood.

Hi Pebbles,

Has the DC's home put any interventions in place to deal with the drug use? Are there any outside agencies involved for example CAMHS? If so, ask the setting/SW to ensure DC still has access to these services before they move.

I would suggest researching what support is available to you through charities/agencies in your area, like Barnardos or Child Action.
It will be a long journey for you, but getting that support in place prior to the move is a good step. Ask for full disclosure from DC's setting, paperwork etc. regarding DC's behaviours, triggers, any missings or risks of CSE etc so that you are aware of what to expect and what you will need support with.
DC will likely be very overwhelmed immediately after the move and display unusual or unwanted behaviours. You being available and consistent will help to ease their mind and rebuild their confidence and self-esteem. Distraction also helps where the tantrums are concerned.

Little steps are the best way, small, achievable goals rather than talking about the bigger picture. Ensure you have help and support available to you too as it will be emotionally huge for you too.

Good luck!

Just to add also, a safe space for the DC, like a diary, may also help.

Thank you for your reply,oven.
No they haven't. DC since moving to new place is hardly home and has been reported missing several times (this hasn't ever happened before,while realizing this isn't about me there's an element of guilt on my part as I couldn't see them since they moved to new place).
No outside agencies involved. Previous carers attempted this but DC didn't engage. They're very sceptical of any 'authority' (not that I blame them)!
I will definitely ask for full disclosure. Although the home often refer to us being the closest people to DC I am sure there will be things in there I don't know. SW has had a meeting about it today and has said they'll email me. Once 18 though, even though classed as vulnerable, if they're adamant they want to stay where they are now (they're involved with some very dodgy people and one in particular is if concern) I guess there isn't much we can do. Much as I know it will be difficult, I really hope DC is encouraged to make the move as things would worry me so much for their future other wise.it's such a shock compared to when I was last in touch with them.

And the diary is a good idea. :)
I'm very committed to making their bedroom 'theirs' too. They have an option of staying where they are but this is the place they continually go missing from and as they're 18 soon I imagine this will get worse. This person they're involved with has also sold their phone so I can't even speak to them :(

TRIGGER WARNING REFERS TO TELFORD GROOMING GANGS AND PROSTITUTION

I would find out as much as you can about drugs, the signs and what you will be facing if your partners dc comes to live with you. There are so many concerns I would have, if the dc is female(or male), is being manipulated by a male who has sold her phone and she is being kept in check by the supply of hard drugs (in particular heroin) then you could be dealing with a case of grooming and possible prostitution. Unfortunately, children in care are prime targets for this kind of abuse and human trafficking, as has been seen in the recent publications on grooming gangs in Telford.

I would look into the signs of drug use, contact your gp surgery for information on rehab. If your partners dc is on heroin then they will need medical support in coming off the drug. Do you live near to or miles away from the home the dc is currently at? If you do get your dp's dc to live with you, then you could potentially be in danger from whoever she is hanging around, especially if this male involved is acting like a pimp/ is profiting from the dc. Particularly if the dc in panic at losing supply of drugs passes your address to the people she is hanging around with.

Please be prepared that if your partners dc does come to stay, you may face her/ him stealing from you, disappearing in search of drugs, as well as using drugs within your home. It can be utterly heartbreaking! I very much admire your efforts in wanting to remove your partner's dc from what sounds a very dangerous situation! I hope that removed from the group home and back with family (hopefully at a great distance from their dealers/ suppliers/ potential abusers) you can help them to get off drugs and begin to rebuild their lives.

Hopefully, things have not escalated in this way at all! However, I would be prepared for this possibility. Unfortunately, we live in a very messed up world.

I would contact the charity Frank for advice first. I wish you so much luck and hope that you can get your partners dc to a safe environment, I am so sorry they have been failed so badly by social services!

www.talktofrank.com/worried-about-a-child

www.drugabuse.gov/related-topics/treatment/what-to-do-if-your-teen-or-young-adult-has-problem-drugs

Hi caledonian.

All I know so far is the SW beleives she's partaking in class As (as advised to me yesterday).

The staff have always told me they've seen no signs of such. I do beleive SW is honest with me, she hasn't seen the DC at all apart from very briefly, however she has said the signs (anger etc) point to it. Despite this, I beleive a possibility DC isn't, as they've always been the same since I've known them, quite volatile and struggling with emotions. . Which I see as typical of some teens, especially those in care. The newer behaviour (running away etc ) came about only after xmas. We're about an hour away (train or car) and D C has no income currently having failed to set up a bank account in orer for them to claim benefits, and not working. This is another concern of mine, how will this work out.

I've told DC under no circumstnaces must this person/people know where we live.

I have considered the stealing thing. (Also considered them perhaps trashing the house or belongings)!

Apparently on the most recent visit DP caught DC going through my purse. I am hoping to catch this quickly enough and that it won't come to anything, but I am aware.

If DC moves here, they will not be able to get to wherre they've been hanging out unless we provide £ whcih we will not. They'll be on benefits if they sort their bank account however and this could mean they've enough for train fare. Thank you for your input. I am very cynical and do consider worst case scenarios. DC has always expressed love for DP despite what occured when they were young. Other parent is deceased.

I definitely agree about the grooming thing. I've tried to express my concerns to DC but as they're so besotted it falls on deaf ears :(

I do not want to shame SS, I am aware they do some very unfortunately necessary work. However having listened to DPs older DC (who I have a great relationship with) I have been very shocked at some things that went on, and the situation when younger DC moved to the current placement, was horrendous...Why they didn't have the correct information I do not know. DC felt it was a punitive action against them.

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Sorry was ensuring I'd name changed. I spoke to staff at the children's home last night and they believe the SW is incorrect, as they've seen no evidence of hard drugs. As much as I do respect and like this new SW, practically , they don't know DC very well and may be jumping to conclusions, they're only human. I really hope the staff are right. They had a meeting today regarding DC and assured me I would have an email following but I haven't had one. I will await contact tomorrow. DC has no 'phone as previously mentioned so it is very worrying as DC is missing at the moment. Police are involved but as DC soon turns 18, CSE tag will be removed and priority will decline. Thank you for contributions.

Okay DC is here. I've a few questions for anyone with experience of any of the named issues.

DC dropped out of school/college with no qualifications. Has completed some courses with the army cadets and has a qualification with the British Horse Society.

Any advice on how or where I can get them help to get on courses/jobs ?

DC wont wash. If I ask (gently) says they have overactive sweat glands (they don't).

My house smells, I know this isn't unusual in teens (albeit usually younger ones). Any tips?
Tantrums are pretty bad. Apparently while I was at work, DC was punching themselves in the face due to realising they had a fine (found an old letter). DP calmed DC, and I've advised a trip to the GP may be helpful.I did expect this sort of thing as It's happened before. Any advice?

Other than the above, I'm surprised at how productive DChas been since arriving yesterday and I realize It's early days.

Tia.