Found out BIL is physically abusive

[Sisterlove]

Sorry about the length of this. I just feel in a state of shock.

I've not been able to sleep well the last couple of nights since I found out BIL (DHs brother) abuses his DP. She told me this herself. It's been going on for years and DH doesn't know about it.

I feel distressed just hearing how he's beaten her up to the point of being hospitalised. I don't know why she won't leave him. Her response when I asked was she felt sorry for him....because he suffers from a chronic condition which constitutes a disability.

I haven't said anything to DH, because BIL is currently very ill in hospital and although DH probably wouldn't say anything to his DB, if I did tell him and he says anything to his DB, SIL could wind up being beaten up again when BIL is better.

The way I feel at the moment I never want to see BIL again and I had to make up an excuse not to go to the hospital the other day with DH.

SIL has told the doctors she fell down the stairs, they didn't believe her, but she won't report it. I'm trying to tell her to leave BIL. She's not financially dependant on him... Her DC (10) is aware of the abuse.

I've gently told her she deserves better and that he isn't going to change. His Ex spoke of his abuse, but until now I wasn't fully aware how bad it was. I had witnessed him shouting at his Ex in front of their DC.

It's been that bad that SS have been involved for safeguarding reasons, following her DC getting upset about it at school.

I know she has to want to end it herself, but if anyone has ever been in the position of supporting a victim of domestic violence.... what can you say to them to make them realise they should get away for good?

I just shudder when I remember some of the beatings she described to me. I just hate what he's done to her. It's horrible.

Aww op what an awful situation, it sounds like your sil is very lucky to have you as support. Just try to e there and hope she comes to the realisation she needs to leave. The fact she has reached out to you shows she is gaining strength. Get her to get In touch with some women aid organisations. Also the freedom project is great for learning the different levels of abuse and the effect on her and her dc. I'm sure someone will come along with some more advice on how you can help. But it sounds to me your already being a great support so far

She’s needs to think of her child. How long will it be before he’s beating their DC? How damaging for the child to be aware and more than likely, witnessing some of the abuse.

I would urge her to start being honest with herself and to speak to a professional. There are lots of charities available and it can be anynomous if she wants advice etc.

As PP has said access support through various agencies for your SIL......but if she feels can roll with the punches for the sake of her children and keeping the family together then maybe gently point out that witnessing domestic abuse is child abuse and it is only her actions that will reduce the impact and protect her child from the impact.

Google impact on children of domestic abuse. This is not to guilt trip the primary victim (your SiL) but to enlighten her that her staying for the children will back fire.

www.nspcc.org.uk/preventing-abuse/child-abuse-and-neglect/domestic-abuse/
www.womensaid.org.uk/information-support/what-is-domestic-abuse/impact-on-children-and-young-people/
www.unicef.org/media/files/BehindClosedDoors.pdf

You can't make her realise she needs to leave, all you can do is support her so she has the best chance of realising for herself. IME she needs you to be non-judgemental and not put her under any pressure to leave, just listen if she wants to talk and help her figure out ways round the obstacles she sees to leaving.

My friend has just left an abusive partner and she says what helped her the most was having someone who didn't make her feel bad when she didn't leave straight away or, after she'd left, had a weak moment and called him or rang me sobbing because she missed him. I text her every day just to see how she's doing, keep her company in the evenings when I can because I know that's when she misses him being there and just generally try to make her feel like she's not doing this alone.

Bear in mind it's not easy being the 'support' though, it is frustrating when they won't/can't leave and it's upsetting watching someone you care about go through it so take that into account before you decide what support you can offer.

I wouldn't usually advocate partners keeping things from each other but I don't think you should tell your DH at this stage. Her safety is paramount until she's properly away from BIL and you can't control other people's responses so you can't be sure DH wouldn't make it worse for her if he knows before she's ready. Listening to her and doing things the way she wants/needs them to happen is really important.

Ah op how awful. My friend has a v similar situation with her sil. Except it is the kids the husband is abusing, not the mum. My friend is desperate, ss intended but no action taken yet. She is doing what other posters on this thread advise, giving sil info and supporting her. Great your sil has reached out to you xx

Every victim has their breaking point, for me it was after a week of being beaten that I told my brother. Well the rest is history as he moved out the next for fear that my brother would kill him.

There comes a point where a victim says enough and finds the strength to do something, mine was to tell my brother because I knew what he would do.

But your SIL needs to consider her child, when is he going to turn on the child when beating her is not enough.

Can you (as gently as possible) point out that all it takes is one slap and she could sustain brain damage or fall and accidentally be killed? Then her DC will lose their Mum? She's used to minimising and covering for him. Hopefully her reaching out to you is the beginning of her journey to freedom.

You say it's being going on for years then all of a sudden she tells you now. Think she is being to realise she need to change things. Tell your dh .

I would tell my DH. I think. Butt that's my DH only you know yours. But my DH says he would need to talk to SIL to believe it which is probably not helpful in your circumstances. I wonder if your DH would really be surprised?

Rwalker I did think about telling DH, but I don't want him to saying anything to BIL. The last time she told a family member (FIL) he lost in and she wound up in hospital.

Although my DH isn't really one to challenge his siblings or indeed anyone else. It's even more difficult because BIL was at deaths door a couple of days ago.

I'll definitely try not to judge her staying, although I'm at a loss as to why she stays with a man who obviously doesn't care one bit for her.

Thanks for that link Another20 I will send that on to her.

I'm certainly hoping that by talking to me about it, she is realising something. BIL is nothing like DH and SIL says she wishes he was. I told her he is his own person and she needs to protect herself and her DC.

I've told SIL I'm here for her. It's taking everything in me not to say how evil he is and I'm keeping it to her keeping herself and her little one safe.

Is she on MN, OP? Sometimes seeing other women's experiences can open your eyes.

But she should be aware that, as her dc knows about the abuse, she could be seen as complicit in the abuse. You say SS are already aware - she needs to be seen to be doing something!

The whole thing just breaks my heart. My DHs brother is an evil monster. She's safe while he's in hospital, but for some reason she seems to pity him.

People like him will never stop the abuse. He has daughters himself and I know he'd go ballistic if anyone dis this to them.

He comes out in public acting pleasant, but I can see through it. I know DH doesn't realise how nasty he is.

I'm. Just watching good morning. ..where a man suffered horrendous abuse from his GF. Stabbed by her, boling water poured on him. It's awful.

I'm also feeling annoyed that FIL hasn't done more. It's his DS and he knows BIL was abusive with his Ex too.

@Wallywobbles

Even if my DH spoke to her, which he wouldn't instigate, he wouldn't then speak to BIL. He'd more likely tell his other brothers. I remember when his Ex complained about BIL to DH in my presence (not about violence), but she was 9 months pregnant and BIL went on holiday by himself. She had the baby and he was enjoying himself out of the country. DH just doesn't get involved in other people's issues like that.

If my SIL complained about my DB, I'd talk to him.

I know DH would be horrified, but I don't see he'd actually do anything and if it got back to BIL, he'd no doubt unleash hell on SIL.

While he's in hospital I'm hoping she builds up her resolve to end it for good and never look back, but she's wavering. I don't hear finality in her voice. I told her 2 women were killed every week here from DV.

As if his violence isn't enough, she tells me he's cheated on her countless times.

Makes me sick.

She's not on MN BTW, but whatever links and resources anyone has would be great to send her.

So sad she's tried reaching out before and look where she ended up. She's probably very frightened and the most dangerous time in an abusive relationship is when you decide to leave.
It's not as easy as simply leaving either, she needs support and safety. Could you recommend her the book Why Does He Do That? It's helped a lot of women, myself included. It saved my life and it could hers too. There's also Women's Aid and they have a telephone number and a support forum.
I understand your reluctance to tell anyone but with him in hospital is a good time for her to get stuff sorted. She has to want to though, no one can force it. I hope she makes it out OP. Just keep being there for her as you are. A major turning point for me was police involvement, I think that really opened my eyes to how serious it was.

Can he be arrested for putting her in hospital?

Can he be arrested for putting her in hospital?

If she admitted it and reported it instead of saying she slipped and fell, I've no doubt he'd be arrested based on how she described the beating.

Thanks for the recommendation of the book 'why does he do this?' I'll tell her about it, or even buy it for her.

I just don't know how you can do this to another living being.

She is being incredibly abused OP. It's not 'pity' that's keeping here there - it's fear. And 'shame' and 'where would i go' and 'I don't want to break up the family' and 'he'd get the dc' and 'it's not so bad' and and and

The first step is to get her to get PROTECTION - this means the Police. She can get a non-mol, bring charges, get him arrested, get help and support from WA, SS, school. But she has to do this. If she just brushes it off, and does nothing, it will continue. If she does something - yes, things would get heated, and scary, and she'd have 'the Fear'of him, but unless she changes something, nothing will change.

Unless his life-threatening problem does it for her. She can hope.

And even if she doesn't bring charges, she needs to get the DV logged - with police, or GP, or SS. When there is a papertrail and proof, she should get Legal Aid.

In fact, it might be a good idea for her to get Legal advice, and some counselling for herself, while he's not around.

Freedom program is a good place to start - it can be done online.

And even if she doesn't bring charges, she needs to get the DV logged - with police, or GP, or SS. When there is a papertrail and proof

Thanks. Her injuries were logged and in spite of her denials to SS and the medical professionals, it's clear from what she told me that they don't believe her. They know it's DV. How many times can you slip and bang your head so badly. She wouldn't go to the police, she's way too scared of the repercussions and she's protecting him. SS told her she needs to stop protecting him.

Freedom program is a good place to start - it can be done online.
Thank you. I'll let her know about this.

You know the man I saw was speaking to Phil and Holly. ..he was being so badly abused it's just shocking. His GF took his phone from him, deleted his social media, has him sleeping on the floor and wouldn't allow him to seek medical assistance. Yet he still didn't leave until the neighbours called the police. Even then he was scared to say anything.

I just don't know how these abusers live with themselves.

I feel like DHs Dsis would do something. Or more strongly encourage her to leave.

I'll ask SIL if she would consider talking to her (DHs sis). It would be better if it came more forcefully from her I think, because she knows more than me how BIL abused his Ex too.

Not that I care, but BIL doesn't like me, because I called him out when he tried to have a go and shout at me some years ago while he was still with his Ex. He probably thought I was meek and scared of him. He's nothing more than an abusive bully.

Thanks again for all these replies. I really appreciate them and will continue to be supportive to SIL on the hopes she is finally done with him.

she's protecting him. -- she is also protecting herself - from the fallout. Sometimes you are so abused that the 'devil you know' is better than having to do something for yourself. She is so abused, that thinking for herself is not something that can be allowed. She is so abused that she has to do what he wants, even when he is not there - it's been shown numerous times that once you are in this state, it's very difficult to get someone to even think about getting out.

It's a long journey, and she may well be so frightened that you, SIL or even SS may not be able to get through to her. And she may well pull away from you if you try to help her.

I feel for her. She must be terrified. However; we have had a case at the school I work in where the child has been removed from the mother because she refused to leave the abusive father. She needs to protect herself and her Child.

I know DH would be horrified, but I don't see he'd actually do anything

^Wow he sounds like a catch(!).