moving on, how to change the narrative in your head

[Bobbi50000]

NC for this one. I'm in the middle of splitting up with DH. We have DC, and we're trying to be friends and amicable and all that. A lot of the time we both manage to keep up that facade. It was worse before but we're learning to cope without being at each other's throats, and we genuinely do get on still. We're still living together (in the same house, not together together) and plan to continue for now as we can't afford to move and we think it's better for the kids this way for now (a year perhaps).

But every now and again something really upsets me and I've started to realise that these are all times when I feel that he's "taken away" my DC, or my friends. I know he hasn't really - in that they are still my children too, and they love us both equally. But - this bit is a bit shocking I know - I feel they are more 'mine' because they are biologically / genetically mine (but not his, though he has been there from conception) and I resent having to share them. I know that's 'wrong' and that I need to reframe it somehow, to not resent his involvement, but I don't know how. It's like a visceral thing at the moment and I need to somehow let it go because the reality is that he will share care of the DC 50% when we eventually move out and I will have to live with that.

Similarly with friends. His friends are his friends by and large and I am already losing touch with them (not that I want to, but they are loyal to him). But my friends are our friends and they are being scrupulously even-handed. So if he's had a long phone chat with my 'best friend' I feel angry and left out and betrayed. Again I know it's wrong. They genuinely are his friends too and there's no way I should be expecting them to take sides. But I get so sad about it. I need to change the narrative but I don't know.

Any ideas? (other than counselling... doing that)

I always seem to start threads too late in the day and no-one wants to talk to me, so bump, to see if anyone does this morning!

I don't actually think it's wrong to expect your best friend to have your back and to 'choose' you. Fuck cosy long chats with your ex.

I’ve never had your problem as I used to have to force my ex to see his own children and now he doesn’t bother at all. But something that stuck out from your post, why would he have the children 50:50? Is that what you want and what is best for the children?

I also stayed in the same house as exh for two years after we separated and it was really awful. You might start to feel better about the situation when you are living apart eg you won’t even know about the phone calls with friends. Having said that, who gets the friends when a couple parts is a problem.

Yes, be careful that you're not bending over backwards to be reasonable and "equal", when it may not necessarily be in the dc's interests. Fair isn't necessarily the same as equal.

It will be 50:50 in some form or another. We’ve agreed that many times. We are completely equal parents now; so that is partly about maintaining the status quo. And it’s not about fairness to him, it’s what’s best for the DC.

category12 that is exactly how I feel! thank you. Sadly, she has been friends with H for as long as she’s long as she’s known me ie. a very long time, and she’s not taking sides.

Time to widen your social circle and branch out for yourself.

I would get on with living and socialising with new people, outside hobbies, meetups, etc

By concentrating on you’re own new life the emphasis on what was will seem less

If you weren’t living together you would have time to yourself, when dc are with father so use or set up this time now

Would he have had long phone chats with her in the past?

He isn’t your friend, he’s an ex. The sooner you can live separately the better.

50:50 doesn’t seem the obvious arrangement. How old are the DC and for how much of their lives has he lived with you? Who has been their primary carer to date?

Your friends sound shit!

I think its the living together. Me and Stbx did exactly the same as you for the same reasons.

It worked on the surface and practically but underneathI had all these unreasonble but very real resentments. Then he got a new job 2 hrs away and could not stay in the family home. And I began to feel free. I could not see if he was on the phone to x,y,z, where he was etc. Technically it was none of my business but if he's there you can't learn the new behaviours of it not being your business.

I don't think you can move on ,
process the past, create your future you and existing relationships as future you
if you still live together.

Yes, living together won’t be helping at all, a year more sounds way too long, for everyone. sorting out housing/finances to move forward should be good.

I have different issues with my X and the split but am also struggling to move past them, and we haven't lived in the same house for several months. I have vaguely debated getting counselling to enable me to move on but not really sure how to go about this. Sorry no help but you're not alone.

Living together really doesn't work, especially as your kids are teens and will know exactly what is happening; best for all of you if you can sell up and start again.

Yes, I guess that’s rapidly the conclusion I’m coming to. It’s the living together. Trouble is we are in London, and can’t move far because of other caring responsibilities and it is just too expensive to buy 2 houses for the price of 1. I am trying to increase my income to address that, and obviously prepared to move to something much less nice etc.

We are the same and were working on the theory that is was best to keep DD14 in the family home. But if it's not working and affecting you then something has to give.

We can't afford to buy two houses so will likely sell the house and both have to rent for for a while.

If that's really not possible. Look at ways of dividing the house so that it's more like 2 flats.

Yes, keeping the family home intact so that the DC dont’ have to schlep themselves between two houses is the other main reason we’re living together. H could get a small house just a bit further out, and I could get a flat of some kind near where we live now - but for 3 teens it will much less satisfactory than just staying put in a big house, near friends, school, etc and with both parents around most of the time. The 50:50 thing is not negotiable.

I'm curious tho - to repeat the question, would he have had long phone chats with your best friend before you broke up?

Could you and stbxh get a flat nearby? Then the children could stay in the family home while the parents move between the two properties in turn?

@category12 sorry the answer to that question is yes - they’ve known each other as long as we have (a v long time!) - and been close all along. There’s nothing fishy about it if that’s what you mean! (Come to that I could / would / have had long phone calls with her DH - we’re all friends together iykwim

And yes we’re actually sort of doing that - at weekends - disappearing. I’m really not keen on doing it as a FT thing.

So, you asked specifically about reframing.

First thing I would say is to start noticing when you have these feelings, and notice the triggers and thoughts that go with them. It sounds as though many of your pain points are caused by fears and thoughts that grow from those fears, rather than realities. For example, the thought that he's trying to take the kids away - it sounds like a fear-based thought. It is not a truth.

So when you notice you're having those thoughts, ask yourself if that thought is really true. Is there evidence to support that thought? Is there evidence to show that the thought is not true? What would be a more helpful way of seeing this?

You may find that by doing this consciously you start to create more helpful thought patterns.

Brakeback thank you. That’s exactly the sort of thing I meant. I do have difficulty distinguishing fear from reality. I know I hear things wrong. So for eg. I might hear an innocent question as an accusation. Or a suggestion as a telling off. I guess this is similar in a way. I tend to react first and then realise I might have misinterpreted later. So I guess it’s about making a pause long enough to ask those questions before I react / start crying / get cross. Even if distance will solve the thing in the longer term I really do need coping mechanisms for the meantime.

Yes. You mentioned reacting - this is key. The fear skews your perception, so you see/hear the remark through the lens of that fear. Fear is often expressed as anger, It's a fight or flight response. So when you feel those feelings/have those thoughts, remind yourself to breathe, go through your questions in your mind and slow that instinctive fear reaction down. You can walk away if you need to, journaling may also help.

Also do you have a space in the house that is a safe, just for you? If you can have that (& I'd advise your H has a space too, if possible), you will always have somewhere that you can escape to.

I've been through a divorce and work now with people and their emotions.

I think over time you will need to move from sharing a best friend..there will be conflicts sharing info and sometimes support has to be biased.A break up often involves a loss of friends due to this...its just the reality of ending a relationship.I do not think a friend can be truly impartial as we all have biases.

I suspect you might be expecting too much from yourself and its ok to have someone who has your back.

The feelings around children will be helped by knowing your value to the children, each parent offers something unique and knowing that will help keep the fear away.Talk to the dc (especially as old enough)about what they value from their relationship with you.

I do have more recent friends who I can turn to. It's not that I've "lost" the old ones exactly, just that I don't feel I can talk freely, as you say life. And because when I stop and think (like many people I live at 500 miles an hour with work and other commitments most of the time which both helps and hinders) it's all so raw, it takes almost nothing to make me cry. Like what you just wrote about knowing my value to the DC. That's clearly a fear too. I've tears in my eyes even while I'm cooking dinner.

brakeback we're very lucky, we have a bedroom each, which is a godsend. I do try and walk away. Particularly to avoid the DC seeing me crying, or me responding angrily. I guess I never expected it to be so hard. :( After 3 years of failed couples therapy I thought it would be quite clear cut.

Thanks for answering - I'm glad it's all above board. (Long phone chats are quite alien to me anyway). I think it's a shame that your best friend is taking the line she is, because realistically neither of you can comfortably confide in her. But maybe that's a good thing from her point of view.