Each stage of my divorce seems to be harder than the last - when does it end and what do I do with my damaged self?

[thisishard2]

First the last few years of a very difficult / non existent (in the end) relationship, then the agonising decision that I had to get divorced but not feeling strong enough to do it for months and months, then the pain of seeing H’s reaction, then how nasty he became when he realised his attempts at manipulation weren’t going to work, his finding a new relationship nano-seconds after this (or earlier?) and having very long very late intimate sounding phone conversations in the house and obviously getting ready to go out with this person, the awful things he has said about me and to me during the divorce process, how rude he has been to my solicitor, the lies he has told, the two court hearings to get to where we are today - a settlement agreement has been made but not yet implemented,

AND NOW that it looks as if he is going to move out soon,

the most awful grief and sadness. I could cry and cry and cry.

Help.

And it doesn’t help that I am listening to this on repeat:

Don't listen to death music, listen to freedom music. Or indomitable music like My Way, sung at the top of your voice (even if you do wobble a bit at times). Or one of the many Fuck You songs, or that Kat McSnatch one, You Are A Cunt (such a cheerful tinkly little tune). Meanwhile it's one foot in front of the other, looking forward to the end game. Like the man said: when you're going through hell, keep going.

It's a long haul, especially when you're still living under the same roof as the bugger. Clearly he's rubbing your nose in this dating thing. (XH did that too, but he was faking it, sad old man that he was/is. It only annoyed me that he thought I was that stupid.) Pity whoever he's seeing. They have some nasty surprises in store down the line.

Thank you annie - yes it might be better to switch from death music to something else .

I have a truckload of things to sort out, including finding work (which I am really scared of not finding), but instead of this all I am managing to do is go to my current job and come home and mope.

I think that during the court process it felt like there was a lot of support around me, but now it has tailed off and I am left completely on my own to face the darkness .

YouTube. Tinush Struggle. On loud he is in the house.

Bloody hell is he still underfoot? That's got to be incredibly hard. I guarantee you that you'll feel somewhat clearer of head once he's fucked off. Not necessarily happy but more secure and with space to think move and act freely and yes grieve freely. Also when he's gone, definitely change the locks. Very therapeutic.

No advice but masses of sympathy. That sounds very hard.
Have you got some nice things planned for the months ahead?

How long did you live together whilst divorcing? I can't believe how hard that must have been.

I did about 5 weeks and the relief when he left was enormous, mixed with sadness that it was the definitely the end.

You must have been on an adrenal roller coaster so its likely you are near burn out.
You will need rest and care and no doubt sleep for a week!

It will be sunny this week so get out in the sunshine and do something pleasant..a walk really helped me, I might have sobbed at the start but then always felt better.

Please tell me you got a good deal in court???

The lying is so shocking as I experienced the same and I never, ever thought he would be such a liar.It is a sign of their desparation and weak character.

Thanks for your messages. Yes we are still living in the same house but in the last couple of weeks he has been here less and less as he gears towards moving out (I think).

It has been about 9 to 10 months of living in the same house while separating. It sounds bad but I have heard of people having to do it for much longer.

Still loads to implement and I seem to be doing none of it for the moment - burying my head in the sand.

I think our settlement is fair as far as I can tell - ish. Difficult to know as I think H has some hidden stuff. But financially our paths can now start to diverge which is a relief. Once everything has been sorted.

Yes walks in the sun and sleeping sound lovely. And yes the last few months have really been adrenaline fuelled.

And yes having control over my own space will help. Never knowing if he is going to walk through the door is not nice. Literally never being completely relaxed.

So many other feelings involved - including guilt and shame.

Pity whoever he's seeing. They have some nasty surprises in store down the line.

Or maybe he will just be much kinder to them because they are somehow worthier of it than me .

No-one is worthier than you. Even if he has/does move on, you are going to be free, and able to live your life free from him.

I'm on this journey too and what I have found is that if someone treats you badly it's because they chose to do so. It's not because you're not worthy, it's because they are lacking in something in themselves.