When "that doesn't work for us" doesn't work?

[NomsQualityStreets]

As a bit of background (posted about it before) my OH and DP(arents) are NC with each other.

Im currently on mat leave and usually make time to see DPs once a week for most of the day (5-6hours) when my DM is off work.
She usually texts me the days she's off and we go from there.
It's never weekends as that's usually our "family time" with OH and the DCs and we usually do stuff together.

So my problem is on weeks like this one where she's off on 2 weekdays DC1 is at nursery and on Saturday which technically we are free on but its not a great time for us as mentioned above.
I don't want to go into the reasons we can't come this week as it will just lead to tension and conflict as DM despises OH and it will be all "you never come at weekends" "you've got the whole weekend for family time" etc or just sulks/moodiness and I'm sure she's keeping a mental note of these things to pull out at some point.
But "sorry that doesn't work for us" doesn't sit with them and there's "why not, just tell me" "why can't you do it" etc and if I just say it on repeat its seen as very rude (different language so comes across a bit different).

How do I assert myself without being rude or leading to tension?

Invent an arrangement you have already made? Keep to a busier schedule (to her anyway) maybe she needs to hear concrete plans to grasp you just aren't available!!??

just say No.. you don't owe anyone an explanation of why you want to spend time with YOUR family...your Mother is fishing for gossip and cracks in your relationship... don't give her it..

Don't fabricate an alternative commitment - you'll need to invent a new one next time, and another the time after that.

Remind her that her discord with your OH has been manageable whilst you've reserved weekends for him and the kids and you don't want to change something that's worked OK up to now.

Just from this one description of your mum's behaviour it is kind of understandable why your OH (or anyone else) would be NC with her. Sorry, I haven't read your other threads, but she sounds uber-controlling and unreasonable.

I don't actually think that you have an option of avoiding tension with this woman. She will create tension no matter what you do or don't do.

And I don't think that avoiding rudeness ought to be one of your goals in this situation. You have already been polite and she is refusing to take your polite answer and is being rude to you.

Depends on your relationship with them, if you could get away with a text instead of phone call.

Never having had the problem myself I can't really offer any sound advice, apart from maybe look at the Stately Homes thread. It's a shame she doesn't get on with OH, I would say at a weekend we're a family unit and savour every moment. You're missing one week not one year.

If there's emotional blackmail involved, just let steam off here or to DH who will undoubtedly understand.

I'm sorry you feel like you have to walk on egg shells around them. It must be fun for GC.

Hmm.

She's your mum. What's wrong with seeing her at weekends? I think you can be a bit more flexible, to be honest. All this earmarking of "family time" seems rather precious, especially as that's exactly what she is!

Well, I tried pussyfooting around making excuses and being unavailable, or just busy, but in the end I was just blunt.
In my case it was MIL. One watershed moment for me was her asking if she could take my child to an activity on a Saturday. Not a disaster, you would think, we lived a mile away at best. I had already Sussed out she would give as little information as possible before getting me to agree to something, so I pressed her some more...
Then I found she wanted every Saturday. For evermore, not like, a six week course or something. And it was the middle of the Saturday. Then she said child could stay over every Friday and go to the activity on every Saturday. And they could go for a late lunch or early tea afterwards.
And so I said 'No, it's not happening; just when is it you expect US to have time together as a family'
And lo, she had a face like a cats bum.
But she didn't get what she wanted, and I didn't care.

"And lo, she had a face like a cat's bum."

OP are you the poster whose OH is no contact with your parents due to the family business going wrong? If so then you need to continue prioritising him over what your DPs want and ignore any sulks from your DM.

If not then do you have to take DC1 with you when you go to see your DM? Or does she really just want to see DC1, not you?

Are you the poster who lives in forrin and your parents completely fucked your DH over financially?

If so, I don't think the advice you are going to get will be any different than before......

Sorry Ikea that will teach me to go and put the kettle on mid post!

Enjoy your

If it is the same person it'll be groundhog day all over again...

Be realistic about it. You are unlikely to be able to refuse without it causing some level of tension, so you might as well be crystal clear and say

"because I don't want to".

(Or "because I don't want to this particular week" if you feel you have to soften it a bit)

If they push for a reason you tell them it's because you have other things you want to do instead/ want some free time on that day.

I haven't read your previous threads - but doesn't your OH want to see the kids on saturdays and sundays? That's why it's family time.

Mother can see the kids when it's her time, in the week.

And repeat until she gets the message - or sulks and doesn't see the kids or you for a few weeks.

Why aren't you just saying this week doesn't work, we will see you next week as usual. If your mum sulks then she sulks. You are not being unreasonable and it is not your job to manage her emotions for her.

Are you the poster that Ikea and Poobum referred to? I remember those threads.

You need to make it clear to her that your DH is more important to you (and your DCs) than she is, and therefore your weekends are for him and the DCs and not her. Just work out a suitable simple way of saying this and keep repeating it. Don't answer her questions, especially 'why' or engage in any further discussion.

Thank you for all the replies. I am the poster some of you mentioned.

I ended up saying we will leave it until next week unless she wanted me to come with just DS2 on one of the days (DM knows that DS1 is at nursery on the days she's off).

I find these situations a bit hard as I never know what reaction to expect I.e. I thought she would sulk/be in a mood over the fact I won't come down at the weekend but turns out she's fine. Similarly I sometimes think she will be ok with something and turns out that's not the case.

Trickiest part is that OH will not allow my DPs to have DCs on their own. DF sometimes brings up taking DS1 (DS2 is too small) out for the day or to the zoo etc and I always end up saying I'll let them know.

I always chicken out of saying "OH doesn't trust you with DCs" as I really don't want to face the conflict that would cause.

Seems quite strange to me, there’s nothing wrong with not seeing your parents/grandparents every week. Her assumption that you will see her, no matter how inconvenient it is for you seems incredibly demanding. In the future I think you need to remember that no is a complete sentence and you’re not obligated to see her every week.

Sooner or later you are going to be faced with a choice between your OH and DCs. Appeasing your mother is not a long term solution. You would experience less stress if you reduced your visits to infrequent dates selected by you.

Obviously I meant between your OH and DCs, and your mother....

Appeasing your mother is not a long term solution - totally. You are with your partner, and should be putting him first (as per thousands of threads where DW is being hurt by her MIL...)

And so what if she sulks? I can never understand those posters who wring themselves inside out to make sure that no-one is upset, or crying, or sulks, or tantrums - so what if they do? Stand your ground and they might not do it next time! Back down, give in, and you can guarantee there will be a next time -because it works for them!

I always chicken out of saying "OH doesn't trust you with DCs" as I really don't want to face the conflict that would cause

I see where you’re coming from but maybe she needs to learn the damage she is doing to her relationship with her GCs as well. Being a family means being civil even when you’re annoyed. Being a GP means DIL/SIL can deny you access to your GC if they perceive you to be a threat either to the children themselves or to the parent/child bond. It’s a lesson she must learn going forward. Unless your OH is part of the problem the woman needs to learn her place in the pecking order and fix her behaviour sharpish.

Being vague and not telling the truth is making things worse for yourself.

Have you been clear that you cannot see her at weekends? If you were, then that subject would be dealt with once and for all.

With regard to them taking your older child out by himself, again, you need to find a way to tell them that this isn't going to happen. Maybe someone here can help with that. Then that too can be put to bed.

The whole things sounds stressful so if you can deal with the individual stresses this would surely help.

Appeasing your mother is not a long term solution

This

Her unpredictability is part of her controlling skill set. You can not control what she does or doesn’t do but you can and should, change your response to it.

There isn’t a phrase in the English language that will appease this woman because she doesn’t care about your needs,