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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

This is weird right?

26 replies

SingleAgainThen · 17/04/2018 11:27

My husband and I agreed to separate and he moved out just over a week ago.

He has been texting / telling me how much he loves me ever since & how much he wants to be with me.

He offered to come round & cook dinner last night so I thought it would be a good opportunity to set him straight that I didn’t want to get back together.

I said that I didn’t want to live with him / life gets in the way - in holiday or out for a meal we get on great but we don’t work as a married couple with kids.

His suggestion now is that we “date” each other, live separately but just go out with each other / go on holiday together.

I don’t know what to think?!

OP posts:
Original poster
SingleAgainThen · 17/04/2018 12:07

Would you agree if it was clear that it would never progress past “dating”?

OP posts:
GreenFingersWouldBeHandy · 17/04/2018 12:08

Well, how do you feel about it? Do you still love him?

To be honest, if you can share childcare, sounds like a perfect arrangement in my book, I can't stand sharing my home!

Aprilmightbemynewname · 17/04/2018 12:10

I see it as he wants sex on tap off you incase he can't find a new woman quickly.

HappyGirl86 · 17/04/2018 12:10

To me it sounds as though he is hoping you will eventually want more. It could get complicated!

Original poster
SingleAgainThen · 17/04/2018 12:15

I agree HappyGirl, despite him being determined it’s not.

He was lovely for the first few years of our relationship & we had loads of fun but then he screwed up financially & turned into a difficult person to live with.

In theory, his solution would mean none of our problem areas would be an issue. But to answer someone else, no I don’t think I do love him anymore.

OP posts:
MollyDaydream · 17/04/2018 12:17

Is he going to do half the childcare or is he just opting out of the hard work and turning up for the fun bits?

GreenFingersWouldBeHandy · 17/04/2018 12:18

In that case, just say "Sorry, I don't love you that way anymore so that won't work for me.'

And repeat.

And repeat.

Sounds harsh but you need to get through to him or he will keep coming up with other 'options'.

AnchorDownDeepBreath · 17/04/2018 12:19

He's clinging on to the idea of the marriage. If you can date; maybe he'll make you fall in love with him again. Plenty of people do it.

If you don't love him and there's no hope of reconciliation; don't string him along. Make a clean break.

category12 · 17/04/2018 12:47

If you don't love him any more then it's an obvious no - why would you? He needs to close the chapter.

FizzyGreenWater · 17/04/2018 13:08

He wants to stay in the marriage.

So he thinks that if he can get to see you for fun things where he plays Fantasy Man and showers you with compliments etc for a few weeks, you will think 'Oh I was totally wrong, he is lovely! Let's get back together!'

He is not very intelligent!

Beaverhausen · 17/04/2018 13:29

OP you might find that love again if you no longer have to deal with the common issues that were causing a problem. You never know, is it not worth trying for a few months and seeing what happens?

letsdolunch321 · 17/04/2018 13:32

All the time he is still on the radar you will not move on with life.

Original poster
SingleAgainThen · 17/04/2018 13:40

Thanks all for your suggestions, definitely helping me work it through in my head - definitely no easy answer though!

OP posts:
Ruddygreattiger2016 · 17/04/2018 13:43

You do not love him anymore. That is all you need to tell him.
Do yourself a massive favour, bite the bullet and make the separation official and make a new life for you and dc.
As april said, think he just wants sex whilst he's looking around elsewhere so if you do agree to 'date' don't be surprised if he starts seeing other women too.

Adora10 · 17/04/2018 13:48

Sorry but if it's over it's over no? Why prolong it, he clearly wants to try and change your mind; I don't see the point in dragging it out any longer than necessary.

yetmorecrap · 17/04/2018 13:54

I would say fine, and will ge as friends, but sex is out of the question , see if he carries on being so keen. If you aren’t bothered about rushing and meeting someone else I see no harm in it.

ALittleBitConfused1 · 17/04/2018 15:19

I think his suggestion is perfect in theory.
I had a horrible relationship that ended terribly last year and now I never want to have a full on let's live together kind of thing again. I just don't have the energy it takes to make a full relationship work and I have done so much work in therapy I now love my life/home and mental health the way it is to ever risk it all again lol.
But in your situation it would seem like a huge leap backwards. If you were doing it with a 'let's go back to basics and build from there' approach then it could work, but you're not. You're saying that we don't work during the difficult times (real life) so let's remove them, I can't see how that would be sustainable in your scenario and would just be putting off the inevitable I think.

drinkingwinefeelingfine · 17/04/2018 15:30

I mean, does it sound like a good plan to you? Do you think 'oh that sounds nice' or does the idea just stress you out/feel meh?

Original poster
SingleAgainThen · 17/04/2018 15:38

Don’t know Wine, which is why I posted - seemed like a good idea over dinner & wine last night but doesn’t in the cold light of day.

Think I just need to be firm with him.

OP posts:
Trinity66 · 17/04/2018 15:49

Totally your choice really, no one else can properly answer that for you

S0upertrooper · 17/04/2018 16:16

We split and did this for a while. It worked but foolishly we ended up living together again.

I think I could happily do it again but DH less so. We got a bit of flak from folk and DS went between us both which was tricky for him.

If I could live next door to DH and have a shared back garden I think this would work for me but at the end of the day you have to be in love or no relationship will work.

Aquamarine1029 · 17/04/2018 20:19

If you are sure your marriage is over, do not agree to any "dating." That will only lead him on and make things far more acrimonious and complicated. If it's over, then let it be over.

TokenGinger · 17/04/2018 23:23

I’ve seen lots of people post on here that they either sleep in separate bedrooms, or they live separately from their SO because it keeps the relationship going. Living together was problematic (or sleeping together because of snoring), and actually living separately but remaining romantically involved worked well.

SantaClauseMightWork · 17/04/2018 23:27

His dating sounds like an ideal arrangement to me. You have lived with him and know how true or false his narratives can be: so why not give it a try? A lot of couples do go through financial ruin and still come out fine at the other end.
At least sharing the childcare sounds like a good idea to me. Again, it all depends on how you feel about it and how much of a mess he managed to create for his family.

Onemansoapopera · 17/04/2018 23:34

OP , would you mind if he went out with someone else? If yes, then there is still some sexual/intimate bond with him and dating might be a good shout. If no then its out of the question, very much over and he needs to be put out of his misery of hoping for any kind of relationship other than co parenting.

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