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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Is it me or them?

6 replies

Lt2018 · 17/04/2018 05:16

I have been having some arguments with almost every member of my family and I don't understand if its me or them. My husband says my family is just toxic but I don't know.

My father and I are not really speaking. We own a family business, so two weeks ago I was working and my dad come up to me in front of the entire business staff, then standing 5 inches from my face asked me why I had not fixed my car yet. He said I had no excuses and My car should be fixed already. He sounded so angry and soooo unprofessional that I felt embarrassed and asked him to leave. He got mad and asked for my mom and I said she's not here. Then he asked where is she and I said "she's not here." (He thinks my mom is cheating on him. We all thinks so.) Then he finished by yelling "you need to fix your car", I replied "and you need to leave" We said the same thing 3 times in a row. My father is never in the office and does pretty much nothing at his house all day. A few days ago, I saw him and said Hi and he ignored me. He has been ignoring me since. I feel sad for him, I am constantly telling my parents that they don't control my life and I can choose what I do with my life. Its an ongoing battle.

Today, I got mad at my sister. We share a baby sitter (you can't really trust just anyone with a 8 month old baby.) and today i was suppose to pick him up at 5. Well, my sister changed the schedule and the sitter left at 4. So my sister was not happy that she had be with all the kids for that extra hour. When I arrived she said that she needed to leave already. that she called me, My phone was broken at 3 o'clock today, I dropped it and have to fix it tomorrow. I am just mad because she had all day yesterday and all morning to tell me that the schedule changed. She waited to tell me at 3:50.....10 minutes before the sitter left that the time changed. I guess what actually got me mad was that my sister was talking to my mom on the phone and when i got to the door she gave me the phone. my mom said to me "Your officially the worst fucking mother ever, fix your fucking phone" and hung up on me. I was in shock, why would she say that, I am not a bad mom. i love, take care of, provide, never hit, abuse, starve or do anything bad to them. My sister was smiling. smh. I feel like my mother has no right to call me a bad mom, especially because one time (maybe more) she left us and took off with another man when I was little. Thats a bad mom.
On my sister end, I am learning more and more everyday that she is telling everyone my business and what I am saying behind my back. People say "oh yea, your sister told me." This is quite often.

Most of all i feel sad, for my kids and my husband. But is it me?

OP posts:
Fishface77 · 17/04/2018 07:09

ITs not you it’s them but what are you going to do about them?
How can you cut them out?

  1. Stop working for the family business.
  2. Change babysitters.
  3. Stop discussing your business with your sister.
  4. When your mum says things like that say actually your the bad mother who abandoned your kids.

It will cause a fall out but who cares? Sounds like they’ve made you have that mentality where you think you haven’t got a choice but to put up with their shit but you have.

TooTrueToBeGood · 17/04/2018 07:18

Honestly, it sounds to me like it's probably all of you. Your family sounds toxic and you are a product of that yourself. You've described several horrible examples of behaviour by the rest of your family but, for your part, you seem unable to communicate with them. You reference several times that you got mad and in the scenario with your dad your strategy was to just repeat yourself ad nauseum. To your credit though at least you realise it should not be this way. I think you should try and seperate yourself from your family, not least before your child starts to learn behaviours from them.

Lt2018 · 17/04/2018 07:38

I guess I just go with the flow of things and stick to what it is most convenient. Our family is only going to live here for the next couple of years while I am finishing college. And I want my kids to have relationships with my family before we move to another state.

OP posts:
Adayindisney67 · 17/04/2018 07:48

I'm really struggling to understand how your sister had any right changing YOUR schedule with the baby sitter. She can pick them up when she likes but has no right to change your agreed time.
I'd say you DH is right.

Cricrichan · 17/04/2018 08:12

Your family sounds toxic, so go work for someone else? Your dad sounds semi retired (which is fine) and as if he's taking out his issues with your mum on you.

However, if my phone broke (or I forgot it and didn't have it with me), the first thing I'd do is call whoever had my kids and tell them how to get in touch with me (office phone or friend's phone etc)

LimonViola · 17/04/2018 08:15

You sound horribly enmeshed with your family. When are you moving? Sounds like some distance will do you the world of good.

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