AIBU to think that all this new-age non-accountability stuff gives people an excuse to be avoidant in personal relationships? (Personal situation example)

[hangarcafe]

It is my experience in life so far, that I have been horrified if I have been told I have hurt someone or caused someone suffering and I have always sought to try and explain myself, be available to them and sort it out, even if they are not someone who is particularly close to me, or even if it seems they are taking offence about very little, I have tried to see things from their point of view.

Conversely, I have a friend of 25 years from my school days who has just done something, which I think is rather unkind to me. She previously insinuated my DH had been unfaithful but refused to confirm or deny it. Then when I brought it up again she said she “did not have the energy to deal” with my question. She is now a brick wall when it comes to this. After partially opening Pandora’s box, she has left me in limbo. She is one of these people who believes that you never have to explain yourself, or be accountable to anyone, and she is constantly sharing all these memes I see on social media these days saying things like “let people take you or leave you, “protecting your energy is the no.1 form of self care,” “never complain, never explain,” “if people don’t like you as you are, they are not worth your time,” “those who mind don’t matter and those who matter don’t mind.” You know the type…

I’ve been thinking of emailing her explaining what I am feeling and how alone, confused and in the dark I feel after she said what she said, but I know for sure that I will get this sort of response back. That it is not her responsibility, even as my friend of 20+ years, to explain why she dropped that bomb, and sent me into a tailspin and then refused to engage about it afterwards. Her behavior is avoidant, yes, but I feel there is such a strong cultural wave of this lack of accountability for what you say and do, that I am fighting a tide that is mostly against me, in being hurt or asking her to engage in an explanation of why she said it.

What do you think?

I have certainly dealt with her pain and vulnerability over the years and really looked after her emotionally. We have a whole history of talking through break ups and family problems. She had both parents die quite young and I supported her through all that too. It’s not that she doesn’t care about me, I think she does, she just thinks she reserves the right to say something flippantly and then be a new person with a different POV the next time you see her.

Is there a way I could phrase it that would avoid all this new age non accountability clap trap?

How about:-

You are total bitch. Fuck off.

How about:-

You are total bitch. Fuck off.

End of thread.

She doesn't sound like a friend I'd want to keep.

She's vile op x

There's a massive difference between self-care and being a bitch! If she didn't want to get involved she shouldn't have said anything in the first place. Throwing a grenade into your marriage and then clamming up is shitty behaviour on her part. Did you have any other suspicions about it or have you brought it up with your DH? Is there any reason she might have to make it up?

I agree, total bitch fuck off.

If she knows something (sorry your DH if not true) - then she needs to be loyal and spill, if it is gossip then she should share carefully and if it is crap then she should shut her mouth.

Mind fucking to the max. She is enjoying your misery and questions or would never do this. She sounds insane.

Yep she’s a dick. Not sure I agree about it being anything to do with ‘new age’ accountability but she’s a terrible friend to you.

Totally agree with all the above. She’s a dick and you shouldn’t be friends with her and don’t bother emailing her. Frankly, don’t bother with her at all. You could email to say “ Your passive aggressive crap is now trying to ruin my marriage. You either spill and tell me everything you know or you fuck right off. Don’t email back unless it’s a full explanation of why you said what you said” don’t fall into her bullshit.

That said, is there likely any truth in it?

Don't contact her. Then when she gets in touch be non-committal. When she asks why, tell her you don't have the energy for conversation. Then, end conversation right there..if it's on the phone you can just brightly say "I'm sorry, I have to go now" then put the phone down. Avoid any future calls, if she leaves messages delete without listening.

Your "friend" is an ignorant fool and you are best off leaving her alone now, and to stop giving her power in your life.

If you re-engage with her you will feel like shit. I can't actually think of any reason why she or anybody would be worth that.

All the rest about her being avoidant, flippant etc. In short your friend is a pain in the arse you don't need lots of words and analysing to state the patently obvious. She is who she is.
.

She dropped the bomb, or insinuated the bomb, and I went away from that meeting a bit shellshocked. I felt weird for about a week and she got in touch again about normal things, sending me links to youtube clips she thought were funny. I didn't respond to her. She sent more, then texts telling me she was "thinking of me."
I tried once to refer to what she insinuated before and that's when she said she "didn't have the energy."
Since then it's been more "thinking of you" and I have been ignoring, never asking how I am or why I am not in touch with her. If she asked why I would feel justified in responding.

Is it possible that her and your DH have had some kind of indiscretion? Might be why she is not wanting to discuss it further.

I don't know OP, that would be eating me up

No, met the type you describe and its a power thing - she's totally into controlling then stepping back....sort of 'light the blue touch paper and then watch for what happens', gig. Its designed to make you question yourself and sow the seeds of destruction. I'd really recommend ending the relationship and ending the headspace you give her. She's evil O/P.

Not really a relationship of the “friend” type, is it? The only degree to which there is a friendship is the degree to which you are honest. Withholding information is a form of manipulation. It is dishonest and it’s destructive to a relationship.

New ageism is a socially transmitted disease with symptoms including solipsism and moral relativism. You are currently experiencing this pathology causing dis-ease in your life. I suggest you isolate yourself from it.

Don’t get your hopes up that you can save your “friend” either, as it’s almost impossible to reason people out of beliefs they weren’t reasoned into. She’ll have to do it herself when she’s ready, if ever, which is really hard for New Agers since they ignore anything “negative”.

Good luck!

( Attachment for a giggle 🤣 These people are so insane. )