I think I may be crazy, why is my life such a challenge?

[Nevergiveupdreaming]

I can't do this anymore. My life is just so chaotic, I know I have taken on too much but it feels like more than that.
My DH seems to change between being vaguely kind and being impossible to be around.
I am working a very stressful job, I am also studying an intensive course.
I have 4 wonderful DC.
We are moving house within the next few weeks.
I have posted before about how unsupportive of me my DH is, I have received mixed responses but the majority is usually LTB. I come to the conclusion that I need to end our marriage but have not completely followed through. 2 years ago he moved out, but I missed having him around and the little help he was with DC, plus I had just had an operation so I took him back. Since then things have been better but I'm not sure if that is just because I tow the line more and know what buttons to avoid pressing, plus I do calmly stand up for myself and DC more, I think he knows when I will not be pushed.
DH is selfish, but then are all men? they are in my experience apart from my own DF who is lovely.
DH is short tempered with DC. I often find myself covering up for them as he is too hard on them and has unrealistic expectations of them.
we both work Monday to Friday, he has now decided to help a friend with some DIY, he has decided that means he does not come home after work to lend a hand with dinner and bedtime etc, instead he goes straight there, he came home tonight 30 mins after DC bedtime, I was sat attempting to write an assignment having done all childcare and housework duties, he sits on the sofa and eats the dinner I have saved him whilst watching TV with no regard for me trying to concentrate sat at the desk he kicked off when I bought it, we have a small house and nowhere else for me to study.
he moaned at DS1 yesterday for leaving a bag in our bedroom, well it was more of the Spanish inquisition than a moan "why did you just chuck it there? do you expect me and mummy to pick it up? I want to know why"

sorry this has turned into a rant! I feel like running away screaming.

You sound absolutely overwhelmed. How old are your DC? Why don’t you postpone your course for a year until your relationship is more stable?

Hi Chickenmom, the DC are 11, 8, 5 and 3.
Our relationship has never really been stable. Or at least not for a prolonged period of time. I have attempted to leave a handful of times before but always waiver.
It’s strange as I am strong in so many ways accept for when it comes to this.
My older DC prefer when DH is not here as he is always nagging them and seems to not let them relax.

I think the older dc preferring it when he's not around, tells you what you need to know.

Is it feasible to postpone the course for 12 months until your situation is more stable? As in, either he has left or you have. Don't waver this time.

No, not all men are selfish. Far from it. Your dad isn't unique, they may be a bit harder to find, that's all.

Physically I could postpone for 12 months but it would not be a good decision as it’s a vocational degree which provides a secure future for myself and DC.
I’m sure I have done some undesirable things in the past but

... sorry, posted too soon.
I want to list some of the shitty things DH has done, this is more of a list for me to reflect on but may give you an incite into him,

1. he was upset that I didn't punish DS1 (not his biological child) appropriately when he was 4 years old, he went off in a sulk, came back drunk and woke me up having a go at me about it, he then proceeded to pull DS cover off I'm, waking him to tell him off more, at this point myself and DC left. Stupidly we went back, I was incredibly week back then (5 years ago) and would not hesitate to deal with this appropriately now, this is by far the worst he has done.
2. he started a drunken argument on Christmas Eve 2016, he refused to allow me to get the presents out of the loft to put under the tree, I needed up having to call my parents for help, he sulked all Christmas Day saying it was all my fault.
3. he has shoved me a couple of times
4. he has shouted and sworn at me in front of DC, including telling me to go fuck myself whilst pulling the car over with them inside.
5. he moaned at me for doing a click and collect at Tesco rather than dragging all 4 DC around Aldi as it had cost more.
6. he does not share money
7. he makes me feel crap, never has a nice word to say to me apart from in his speech on our wedding day when he said the script of "she looks beautiful"
8. he accuses me of being controlling when I ask him what time he will be home
9. he accused me of being controlling when I asked him to go downstairs and watch TV rather than watching it in bed whist I was trying to sleep.

the list could go on and on.

yes I know I need to leave and my DC are suffering. My DD1 is under CAMHS for anxiety (her dad my exdh is emotionally retarded also). DS2 is showing signs of anger and short temper, he is 5.

please don't tear strips off of me, it's bloody hard to actually end things and stick to it when they turn back to Mr nice and I know I am shit.

You're not shit. But you know what you need to do.

No one is going to rescue you. You’re vocational degree is a means of securing your children’s future but protecting them from their toxic living environment which has contributed to MH issues, isn’t. Having more children and starting a degree are things you do to make it harder for yourself to make the changes that you have to make.

Defer your degree and use the time and money to invest in getting you and your children out of a toxic situation. You can’t keep making excuses.

I also think you are making excuses and have a martyr attitude which is just as,damaging to children, trust me I know. Defer your course. Your children's experience in the present is more important than a projection in the future.