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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Completely Lost and Don't Know Where to Turn

24 replies

antoniaeml · 16/04/2018 20:52

I am completely lost and alone right now, I know no one can really tell me what to do but I need to get this off my chest.

Some background: I've been with my fiance(?) for nearly 6 years, we have a beautiful DD who turns 5 in June and we're meant to be getting married in September after a 3 year engagement. Things haven't always been plain sailing. We met while he was still married, fell in love and pregnant very quickly, I was made redundant while on maternity so we moved to be closer to his family, it took me 4 years to find a job which I left in February after a year because I was struggling really badly. He has 2 children from his previous marriage, he works away Monday-Friday and I don't really know many people where we live and so during the week it's mostly just me and DD.

So we went away last week on a short break. We came back last Friday and he went out with his DS but while he was out I found some messages on his work phone between him and another woman. They weren't explicit or anything just arranging to meet a few times, although he always then cancelled. When he got home, and I eventually let him in, and I calmed down enough to talk he has promised me he never met her, hasn't cheated on me and it was just texts, nothing else but I'm just not sure I can believe him. He says he started talking to her on a chat site because he was bored and lonely while away from home, he says it was just stupid and he never planned on doing anything with her.

He has gone to work today and I've told him I don't want him to bring his kids here at the moment so he will be spending next weekend with them at his Mum's and I won't see him until now for nearly 2 weeks and I've asked him not to call me so that we both have time to think about the situation.

He says he still loves me and wants to marry me in September but I just don't know if I can ever trust him again. I don't want to be a single mother and I don't want my DD to have to go through life without her dad but I just don't know if I love him anymore and I don't know if it's enough for us to stay together.

On top of everything I suffer from depression, anxiety and insomnia and my DD has chickenpox and I just don't know if I can cope with any of this.

Any friendly advice is much appreciated.

OP posts:

DumbleDee · 16/04/2018 21:25

Do you believe him? How did he start talking to you when he was married to his wife? You know his MO.

If he's done it once he'll do it again. If he hasn't met up with her it's probably because you caught him before he had chance.

SomeKindOfGenius · 16/04/2018 21:32

Well done for taking control OP.
It’s difficult to get trust back once it has been broken. I personally believe that it is more valuable for a child to be taught what a healthy relationship and boundaries should look like than to be stuck in an environment where their parents don’t respect one another.
Good luck

Sally2791 · 16/04/2018 21:34

Very unsettling for you. Does it fit with the pattern of how you got together? People do tend to follow patterns.... Make sure you take your time to feel that you have the truth and feel secure before getting married.

Sally2791 · 16/04/2018 21:36

Why wasn't he chatting to you while he was away instead of going on chat sites?

StormcloakNord · 16/04/2018 21:59

You say you got together when he was still married?

My answer depends really on the circumstances surrounding that.

If he was married to his wife and you were the OW then you can't really be shocked about this? Him leaving his wife for you opened up a vacancy and he'll just go about filling it like you filled it while he was married.

If he was separated but still legally married, then my answer is much and such the same but less harsh. You shouldn't stay with him though, he's gotten away with it and he'll keep pushing the boundaries until he eventually does fall dick first into someone.

Being a single parent is far better than settling for someone who treats you like dirt and will set a shite example for your kids.

Original poster

antoniaeml · 16/04/2018 22:02

DumbleDee - We met in a pub, he's a truck driver and so was away from home and I didn't find out until a few weeks after we met that he was married. I didn't know and I wouldn't have gone anywhere near him if I had known. I dumped him he then started divorce proceedings and we got back together. He says he wouldn't have met her but I agree with you, if I hadn't found out I suspect he would have done even though he swears blind he wouldn't have done.

OP posts:

SevenStones · 16/04/2018 22:07

One day he will meet one that he really likes and dump you for her, just as he dumped his wife for you.

If you let him stay in your life, that is.

Original poster

antoniaeml · 16/04/2018 22:07

@Sally2791 - Why wasn't he chatting to you while he was away instead of going on chat sites?

The thing that gets me is he was! We spoke several times a day and messaged all the time. He says it was just a moment of stupidity but it's hard to know.

OP posts:

Ryder63 · 16/04/2018 22:08

I didn't find out until a few weeks after we met that he was married

And there we have it. A liar and a cheat - and he's doing it again.

DumbleDee · 16/04/2018 22:10

What chat site was he chatting to her on?

Original poster

antoniaeml · 16/04/2018 22:11

@SevenStones - I suspect you're right and it kills me, it really does.

OP posts:

Original poster

antoniaeml · 16/04/2018 22:14

@DumbleDee - I don't know, he says he can't remember, he probably just doesn't want to tell me

OP posts:

Original poster

antoniaeml · 16/04/2018 22:18

@SomeKindOfGenius - I grew up with parents who didn't respect each other, split up a number of times and finally split up just as I finished my A Levels. I don't want my DD to go through that but I also don't want her growing up without her Dad. Either way she will always come first.

OP posts:

Original poster

antoniaeml · 16/04/2018 22:21

@StormcloakNord - Married, unhappy but not officially separated, though he wasn't really spending any time at home. I understand I shouldn't be shocked but I am, I know this probably sounds naive and stupid, I always thought I was quite sensible and intelligent but clearly not.

OP posts:

Original poster

antoniaeml · 16/04/2018 22:22

@Ryder63 - You are so right, so right.

OP posts:

Isetan · 18/04/2018 12:38

Engaged/married, unhappy but not officially separated.

You probably weren’t the first and you probably won’t be the last that he’s used this line on.

PeaPodPopper · 18/04/2018 13:01

Texting / messaging another person IS cheating. Regardless of whether they met up or not, the intention was/is there.

And bollox to him 'not remembering', that's a cheatspeak for 'I don't want to tell you, as I want to see how much I can get away with'.

Walk far, far away with your head up my lovely.

StormTreader · 18/04/2018 13:12

" just arranging to meet a few times, although he always then cancelled."
"He says it was just a moment of stupidity"

No, a moment of stupidity is going on the site, maybe sending a few messages on one evening.
Arranging to meet "a few times" and in enough detail to then have to cancel is not a moment, its a plan. The fact that he chickened out of meeting more than once just means that eventually he would have gone through with it.

MiggledyHiggins · 18/04/2018 13:18

Sounds like the scales have fallen from your eyes. This is probably exactly what he did to his wife, and chances are the first inkling she had that he was 'unhappy' was when he was forced to choose.

Walk away before you have a lifetime of wondering if he's really where he says he is or fighting the urge to check up on him. It's a miserable existence to live like that.

MiggledyHiggins · 18/04/2018 13:19

You should probably get an STI check as well, particularly as you are also pregnant. There are some STI's that can harm a pregnancy.

Adora10 · 18/04/2018 13:59

He has already cheated on you OP, the simple signing up to a website and chatting to other women is cheating in my book, that's what you know of, there could be more and I doubt it's the first time he did it.

He was cheat when you met him, he cheated on his wife, you are no difference, he's probably been like this all his adult life; some people will just do whatever they please and have no regard for boundaries, respect and behaviour.

If I was you I'd have zero contact with him for the next two weeks and then see how i feel, tbh, the trust is now broken, how you repair that when he works away and has ample opportunity to sign up to another one is not something I'd look forward to; men like him make a mockery of marriage and what it stands for.

How sure can you be that he has not already met up with women when away, he's hardly going to admit to it.

GreenFingersWouldBeHandy · 18/04/2018 15:25

Sorry OP but there is not a cat's chance in hell I would marry this guy.

He cheated on his first wife with you. He has been actively speaking to and seeking out other women while he's away from you 'working'. And those are only the messages you found. I suspect there are many more.

Can you move back to be with your family for support?

Pasdeprobleme · 18/04/2018 15:43

At the very least postpone your wedding. Personally I would not trust him. How do you know he cancelled?

Janel85 · 18/04/2018 15:48

Sorry OP but I wouldn’t trust him after this. Speaking as a child of divorce, your dd will be happier with a happy mother rather than one who stays in an unhappy relationship for her sake. Sending hugs

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