Online dating - what are the assumptions about committment?

[AnaViaSalamanca]

Hi, I am trying to help my best friend who is getting into online dating again. She is beautiful, intelligent, 30 something with a great job and a kind personality, but has very low self esteem. (At a size 10, she thinks she is too fat, for example). She was "ghosted" a few months ago by someone whom she had been seeing for a couple of months. This has left her quite scared and has been a huge blow to her as she was naively thinking they were in a stable relationship.

So, I just want to understand the assumptions here. Does online dating have more of an "American" mentality, where you have to discuss commitment, and discuss future and become "official"? Or is it assumed? Should she be discussing this on the first date? And how early on can she bring up all these before appearing extremely weird? Are there people who commit to a relationship before having sex? Or is it all casual sex and then maybe you commit after a while? She doesn't want to sleep with people before they are in a relationship either.

Sorry online articles weren't helpful so decided to ask from some real and sane people! Thanks

I think there are as many attitudes to OLD as there are people doing it, it's just a case of finding people who share similar values.

A lot of sites do let people say what they're looking for (casual fling, long term, etc) so that can be helpful.

I would be put off if someone wanted to discuss 'where things were going' too early on. That said, I've found that when you're comfortable with someone, all of that stuff just naturally progresses rather than having to worry about the rules.

Re the ghosting, I don't think that's the 'OLD way' or anything - I think it's just that if you're meeting more people, you increase your chances of meeting someone amazing, but you also increase your chance of meeting absolute tossers.

People lie what they are looking for so I don't think that is a way too find out anyway. As I know a lot of men say they are looking for a relationship when they are not, simply because saying they are just looking for something casual won't get them very far as it puts most women off.

OP - dating online is not some sort of special and different activity from regular dating.
It’s just facilitated by technology, and gives you access to more people....

If you meet someone in a bar, and start talking - you are unlikely to start discussing ‘where it is all going’ the first time you meet.
Or even after a few dates....
These discussions won’t happen until both people have got to know each other better - and it can take different people different time to get to that point.

No one is in a ‘stable relationship’ after two months of dating. It’s way to early to assume you know much about the other person, or even know how you feel about them.
So - your friend needs to be careful not to over-invest emotionally too early on.

As to sex - it’s really up to her when she wants to have it. She can date without having sex for a while.
And get to a point where she is comfortable with it.

I don’t know what she means by ‘being in a relationship’ before having sex. It’s a fluid term that doesn’t have any connotations - or enforceable promises.

Typically - unless we are talking about certain concervative groups - either religious, or culturally-conservative - sex does happen before people settle into a reliable coupledom - with FB status changes, etc.

Many people won’t consider any sort of commitment before sex - I certainly won’t. Physical chemistry is very important.

I think that ghosting may have happened in the old days before social media, when we had landlines. But we'd think of it as 'fizzled out'. Someone rang less often, didn't make dates, until they stopped calling completely. We would say 'oh, it just fizzled out, he wasn't the right man, or it wasn't the right time'. Now, it feels very abrupt because we're used to daily contact by text messages. We expect regular communication and attention - becoming quite proprietorial about it.
They disappear and it leaves a hole. 30 years ago rejection was easier 😄

Thanks all, very helpful.

I agree with the PP who said that two months is too short. I think she fell for him and he fed her quite a story about long term and their future together... the ghosting (maybe I am using the wrong term) happened just all of a sudden, she was supposed to meet him one evening, but he cancelled. She called and texted him a few times over the next few days, but zero response, and she was blocked from fb. She had to see a therapist for a while to deal with it.

Well that was really shitty of him OP - she dodged a bullet there.

OP - I hope you’ll continue to be a good friend to her and also encourage her to consider continuing therapy.

It’s an extreme reaction to need counselling after 2 months of dating.
She must have some deeper issues in her life that need resolving before she is able to have a relationship.

I hope she figures it out.