Social mobility and fmaily relationships

[FizzWizzTizz]

I'm fairly new here although a longtime lurker and hoping for some advice from wise mumsnetters.

I grew up in poverty. Parents separated, living with my mother who was on benefits or worked p/t as a cleaner. My parents separated when I was 3. My father paid maintenance but the nature of his work was that he was usually away so he wasn't around day to day. I have a good relationship with my father.

Often, the phone would be cut off or my mother would have to borrow money for food/bus fare/for the gas and electric prepayment meters. She always made sure she never went without cigarettes although I remember when she was short of them she'd relight the butts in her ashtray to eke them out. I also have memories of hiding from the doorstop loan companies when they knocked on the door. I can remember knowing we didn't have enough money to last and wondering what we'd do - from about aged 7 or so I had to carry the burden about these worries. My grandparents provided some stability for me but there was only so much they could do.

Growing up, I was aware that my family was different. My mother was a narcissist who slept with a lot of men and put her social life ahead of me. I remember parties in the house when I had school the next day/exams to study for. My mother always brought me down and told me that I would have no friends etc. I was never taught to have pride in myself and this has affected my self esteem.

I have no contact with my mother and I have no regrets. I am in contact with her extended family. I was once close to them. They were very supportive of me growing up. I moved away and went to university and they encouraged and supported me. I have done to reciprocate in terms of emotional and financial support/help. They were once so proud that I was going to be a doctor. Now, as I approach 30 I am a qualified doctor and have a partner who has a professional job too, their attitude has changed. Now that I have achieved that, I'm subjected to a lot of reverse snobbery. I can't stand either snobbery or reverse snobbery. But my family try to paint me as a snob if I do anything different to them. It’s over silly things like what I eat, drink, wear, my interests etc. They once scoffed because I said I was meeting a friend for a coffee. They’d happily meet friends for lunch or a drink but they seem to think that meeting for coffee is an example of me thinking I’m superior. Basically anything that I do that’s a bit different to them, they are quick to judge, even everyday things.

My life is a million miles away from the life I grew up with, as a result of my sheer hard work and determinaion. My life is also very different from that of my extended family. None of even those from my generation have gone to university. Most of my friends went to university and have professional jobs. The family have made unkind remarks about this a couple of times. This makes me sad as I take people as I find them, it’s just that I tend to come across professional types through work etc.

I find that all of his has affected my self esteem. I struggle with my sense of identity because I'm not "one of them" in the family but also sometimes feel out of place amongst other professional types who’ve had a better start in life.

I also feel like I can't be myself around my family. They don't seem to realise that the person that I am now is actually me being myself. They think that I'm "trying to be something I'm not". I may not be the person they knew many years ago but that person was the product of my toxic upbringing. I was an angry, rude, frustrated teenager. I’ve now developed into an adult and do things my own way. I feel like the family I was once close to now resent me gaining my own identity. Even though I don't feel like I fit anywhere, I don’t try to do things just to fit in. Having said that, I’m conscious of not letting my family know certain things that they’d judge me for. My partner and I own a reasonably nice flat in a nice area and just now and we’re saving for our first house. I’m excited about that but I also dread when we buy that house as I know that I’ll be judged and subjected to digs.

I feel like they’ve often tried to interfere in my decisions to try to keep me down. They are very forward and interfere in ways that most people would consider overbearing and quite rude. If I did the same to them they wouldn’t stand for it. They’ve put a lot of expectations on me about how often I visit etc but don’t reciprocate. I keep them more at arms’ length now and this has helped to stop them from interfering and has helped to establish boundaries. I’ve been more assertive about inappropriate behaviour which has created a distance. I feel like I can’t have a good relationship with my family simply because I’ve made a success of my own life. I also feel like I also have to choose between being walked all over or having a close relationship. It’s like they desperately want to keep me “in my place.”

Can anyone relate to this? I know there’s probably little that can be done but I just wonder if others experience this. I think that it would make me feel a bit more “normal”.

Thanks for reading and for any advice

Well done. You are a shining example of how through hard work and determination you can rise above adversity.
Do not let anyone interfere or tell you different. Your self esteem should be high as you soar in your life and career. You made all this happen no one else.
You are well advised to keep these people out of your life. I learnt a long time ago that you should not stay where you are unhappy or be with people/person that makes you unhappy.
Dont look back your not going that way. All my best wishes

Your family sound jealous of you. You've done so well and worked hard. As hard as it is, don't let them get you down. You should be really proud of yourself:)

OP, your family sound judgemental and small-minded. Let them think what they think. It doesn't change anything about you. You've worked your socks off to get where you are, and have done really well.

Sadly, this isn't unusual IME. As others have said it's a form of jealousy. They would like to believe the narrative that it's impossible for people from their background to achieve certain things in life, and you're a walking example of the fact that this isn't true. Hold your head high, OP.

OP, you might be looking for what family should be: a clan, supportive, having your back, sharing food with, doing family stuff, you know, normal. You never knew ‘normal’.
I’m afraid you’ll only get one when you make your own. Friends become brothers and sisters, their children your nieces and nephews etc.
Family is family, good or bad, we can’t choose it. But you can choose the level to which you interact.

If you've managed to become a doctor, I doubt your mum was such a narcissist and self serving as you make out! Cigarettes and a few parties were probably her way of coping single handedly with raising children and working on a small income with little joy to be had elsewhere. You say you have a good relationship with your father? Great...the father that fucked off when you were 3 and had work that kept him away. So he paid maintenance - big deal! The one who sacrificed and made sure you got to be where you are now is your mum.

I suggest you have a deep rethink about your life and where you are now and who means what.

Agree this is unfortunately really common. A close relative's other half experienced this. They hated that the person was doing well and did everything to pull the person down and to actually ruin the marriage.

Separately, my mum's siblings are like this (parents were amazing but did not have much). My mum has her parents work ethic, and with my dad has done well. My mums siblings hate my mum, dad, my sisters and I - it always boils down to money and us being "stuck up" so they try to "put us in our place". We're not stuck up or rich and I realised years ago to stop apologising for working hard (they haven't) and to ignore them.

Long story short is you have no need to be apologetic. You've made the most of your education and opportunities and that is something to be congratulated don't let people drag you down.

Chricrichan I’m sorry I’ve upset you as clearly I’ve hit a nerve. Unfortunately I’m in no way overstating the position regarding my mother. My mother is a selfish, manipulative nasty piece of work. I’ve not gone into detail as it’s too lengthy and not the point of the thread to ascertain whether my mother was or was not as bad as I say she was. I’m comfortable that my outlook regarding my parents is accurate and appropriate. I have succeeded in spite of my mother, not thanks to her. My father was not physically around day to day but he was very much there for me. He is the sole reason that I placed any value on education. He offered me the chance to live with him and for him to stay at home but bizarrely I wanted to stay with my mother. He did not “fuck off” as you put it. He provided emotional, practical and financial support without which I would not be where I am. Every person in my life agrees with this outlook, even my mother’s side of the family who are the subject of this thread.

You have been very quick to jump to conclusions based on little information. Your view are out of step with others although you are entitled to hold them. That said, that you would direct such vitriol to someone you have never met is indicative of your character.

Thank you to those who have understood the point of the thread and who have offered understanding and empathy. I find that when I try to appease my family so that they won’t judge me, I feel downtrodden. I feel I have the best I can hope for by keeping them at a safe distance. It just makes me sad that this is necessary.

8 - I think you’ve hit the nail on the head. I’m looking for exactly that and I know I have to build it. It’s just hard to accept the reasons why things are as they are.

Fizz, sometimes, we just have to accept.
It is what it is.
As a doctor, do you remember the first time it dawned on you the fact that some stuff is not fixable, no matter how unfair it is, no matter how much you study and how skilled you are, sometimes you just have to simply accept the inevitable outcome.
With acceptance comes peace of mind. I wish you find yours.

Its crab bucket. If you have a bucket full of crabs and one crab tries to climb out of the bucket, all the other crabs will hang onto its legs and drag it back into the bucket. Your success makes your family feel threatened and inadequate, so they attack as their first line of defence.

My ex-H was in the same situation with his family. He came from a very disadvantaged background, ended up at Oxford and now earns a six-figure salary. His whole family think he is a "snob". He has many faults, but being a snob is not one of them.

Like other posters have said, you have nothing to apologise for. Don't let anyone drag you back in the bucket.

I studied sociology at uni so to me what you’re saying is really interesting. Social mobility is very rare, and one explanation for the working class not achieving as well in education is fitting in - both in terms of not feeling like they belong in higher education, and rejection from their own family and/ or culture if they do achieve well, as you’ve found.

I’ve managed to do the complete opposite, I came from a well off family, private schools etc but have managed to royally fuck my life up and now I’m a single parent in a council house without a pot to piss in. I’ve engineered my own downward social mobility, and it’s a weird place to be. I don’t really fit in with the other working class people in my area because I ‘sound posh’ and I get the impression that they think I consider myself a cut above them (which I don’t). And my family, especially my dad, are very vocal in their disappointment.

So I guess upwards or downwards social mobility is bloody difficult, which partly explains why it’s so rare I guess.

But anyway, in your case, fuck ‘em! You’ve done so well and maybe the answer is to distance yourself from your family if they can’t be nice about your achievements.

Sorry I got the wrong end of the stick and you're right it probably hit a nerve as I've sacrificed a lot to.bring my children up whilst their controlling father gets to play Disney dad (and I'd had a few drinks last night).

So apologies! Your family sound very insecure and I guess when there is someone like them who managed to make such a success it shows that they could have done it too if they'd worked hard and sacrificed stuff. Whilst everyone in the family is the same they can always tellhave themselves that other people are successful.because of where they were brought up or because they were wealthy etc but you've shown them that it isn't the case. They may also feel that they are not good enough for you now.