Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Is my marriage over?

24 replies

Poppinder · 16/04/2018 14:11

Been with my husband for almost 17 years and married for 8 years. We have 2 children aged 10 and 5.

Day to day there is usually some affection, but we haven't had sex for nearly a year.

He has awful mood swings. When's he's happy things are good, however when he's not it's awful.

I feel like I constantly tread on eggshells and have to tiptoe around his moods. He can be really unpleasant to be around and the mood in the house just drops and affects the children especially the 10 year old.

He constantly moans and criticises and he has started doing this with the eldest too. He didn't have a single positive interaction with her all weekend, was just a constant string of complaints and nags.

I really don't know what to do. I do love him, despite being fustrated by lack of sex, but I can't cope with the moods.

OP posts:
welshmist · 16/04/2018 14:12

How old are you and how old is your husband if I may ask?

Original poster
Poppinder · 16/04/2018 14:12

I'm 39 and he's 49

OP posts:
Trinity66 · 16/04/2018 14:13

I think you need to give him an ultimatum now, marriage counselling or the marriage ends, it's not only you he's affecting now, it's your kids too

GreenFingersWouldBeHandy · 16/04/2018 14:15

Have you approached him and told him any of this? Or is he just not receptive?

Could you suggest counselling (either single or joint) or are you just sick of it all? In which case get legal advice and start making plans.

Life is too short for this crap, and your children are being affected already. Don't let him turn on them. If he won't change, he needs to go.

welshmist · 16/04/2018 14:17

No sex. Well do you find he needs the loo more often, getting up during the night to wee?

BTW I just knew you were going to say he was coming up to fifty. Also felt you were younger.

Original poster
Poppinder · 16/04/2018 14:19

Our sex life has never been amazing except for the first couple of years. Haven't noticed him going to the loo more or waking to go in the night.

I do wonder about counselling, but finances aren't great at the moment which probably isn't helping

OP posts:
Original poster
Poppinder · 16/04/2018 14:20

also just to add my parents divorced when I was 10 - it was awful!

OP posts:
lifebegins50 · 16/04/2018 14:24

What is the ratio of good times to bad? If he is unwilling to resolve his moods I think the marriage is over.Be wary of joint counselling as it can be used by abusive men to blame you.

Start reading up on angry people, Lundy's book, Why does he do that? And Patricia Evans "the verbally abusive relationship".
Knowledge is power...once you understand his rationale for being angry it helps you to determine if you need to leave.

A friend asked me if ex was the same angry man whilst on holidays. She saw this as an indicator that it's not external events such as work but an issue with their attitude.

Sadly there seems to be an epidemic of angry middle aged men who think nothing of frightening their wives and children.

Adora10 · 16/04/2018 14:24

You will need to give him an ultimatum, he will be making your children increasingly anxious and unhappy, it's not fair to subject them to his moods, children are very sensitive to how their parents behave, they will copy him and grow into similar adults, unhappy, grumpy and hard to be around, if you don't want that then I don't see you have any choice but to leave him, this is not normal or healthy and you should never have to tip toe around anyone in your home; sounds like he's already started on the kids.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 16/04/2018 14:26

Was it awful primarily because your parents chose to make it difficult for each other?.

What is there in this relationship for you now, what keeps you with this man at all?. He sounds like an absolute joy sucker of life and it is not your fault he is the ways he is. Treading on eggshells as well is another way to my mind of saying living in fear. Your life as well as your children's should not be like this.

wendiwoowho · 16/04/2018 14:29

Only you know how you truly feel.
Have you spoken to him about how you feel? Do you get time alone together, nights out?

Parents splitting/divorcing is never nice but it seems like the environment in the house isn't a very nurturing one anyway. Do what's best for you and your children, and sometimes that isn't 'keeping the family together'

Original poster
Poppinder · 16/04/2018 14:30

thank you.

yes my eldest does have anxiety issues linked to other factors (potential ASD)

I just like he is really unhappy too and this is when he gets worse. When things are good, it's great - he's funny, my best friend.

I would say the bad times are not as frequent as the bad, but when they are bad they are bad

OP posts:
Original poster
Poppinder · 16/04/2018 14:31

*think not like

OP posts:
RazzleDazzle3 · 16/04/2018 16:54

.

welshmist · 16/04/2018 17:37

Has he always had awful mood swings, or is this a recent thing?

Original poster
Poppinder · 16/04/2018 19:30

He has had them before, I think he was depressed then and I think he may be now

OP posts:
DianaT1969 · 16/04/2018 19:34

When finances aren't good, I'm definitely pre-occupied and feel down. Could it predominantly be due to that? He's at an age where he'll be worrying about retirement and financial security. Is there a way to improve finances?

DairyisClosed · 16/04/2018 19:37

I don't think it is ubsalvagable but he needs to sort himself out.

TeisanLap · 17/04/2018 04:25

OP, has he always had mood swings?

TeisanLap · 17/04/2018 04:48

Sorry, I just saw that a PP had already asked.

Op, it’s common where there is evidence of ASD in families for there to be a higher incidence of other mental health conditions such as BiPolar Disorder for eg within the extended family.

There is also evidence that parents of a child with ASD are more prone to depression.

Not that I’m saying the latter is whats happened to your husband.

I am suggesting though that there’s perhaps food for thought here and it might be worth your while sitting down and being honest with yourself as to just how long this has been going on.

I’d also be wondering if he could be on the spectrum as well.

It’s amazing what you can see in families with regards to others in the familiy when it comes to ASD. It’s like a huge jigsaw puzzle all coming together.

Also at your husbands age it’s possible for men to have a hormonal problem that can cause the symptoms you’ve described. It’s easily treated.

welshmist · 17/04/2018 11:20

At his age, erectile difficulties are possible, have you noticed before you stopped having sex any problems in that department?

Original poster
Poppinder · 17/04/2018 13:19

Thanks everyone. We did manage to have a good chat last night and looking at going to counselling.

ASD has come from my side of the family.

Re sex, I suspect that there are difficulties there, but he refuses to acknowledge and would rather just abstain

OP posts:
welshmist · 17/04/2018 19:32

Ah it grinds my gears when men rather than facing up to a problem performance wise, choose to give up. If a woman did that they would shout it was grounds for separation or a good reason to look elsewhere. (bangs head)

Original poster
Poppinder · 17/04/2018 20:19

Yes welshmist - it is very frustrating

OP posts:
New posts on this thread. Refresh page