I've been married for 22 years and sadly we've come to the end... There's no one else, but it appears that we've genuinely grown apart to the point of feeling intense dislike for each other. Communication between is poor, we are from different cultural backgrounds and tbh it's always been a little tricky.
We tried counselling last year and to no avail.
I often think if there was someone else in the picture it probably would make it easier because at least one of us would have REAL reason to fight and take action.
We we're each other's soul mates and now we grieve the loss of each other...
We have a relatively well adjusted teen daughter who is focused on her GCSE's and doing well despite living with the elephant in the room .
We have agreed to stay together until she gets through her exams and also because financially neither of us can genuinely afford anywhere on our own.
We no longer have savings own our home anymore . It's been a big fall from grace especially as we got ourselves into debt after the collapse of my husbands business and being involved in a wrong investment that turned out to be a scam, so we lost our home and pride too .
My husband have never been the same since his father committed suicide 10 years ago now. Both my parents have died within the last few years.
I had a fairly decent lifestyle prior to the collapse but I feel angry at myself as I let my husband take responsibility for the finances and clearly he was struggling but never said anything, therefore I existed in a bubble that wasn't real and lived a looked after to a degree lifestyle ( Our daughter got a life threatening illness which meant that I had to close my previous business at the time) I became a P/T success coach to business owners and did ok. Under the radar I've always felt a failure after liquidating my business so I've never made more than what he is now terming 'little pocket money' really.
yet when we met I was the success story.
I've lost my why?
I don't know how to stoke that fire - that drove me before
The brand of 'us' has collapsed.
I've collapsed. I've been mentally paralysed for what feels like years, yet my external persona is that of someone that is strong, helps others and I'm perceived as inspirational and yet the most interesting dichotomy of MY situation is that I'm stuck as though I'm sinking in quicksand I feel like I'm in quicksand.
If this was a client's I would be able to help them with their mind-set and a strategy out of the mess.
I watched over the years my clients go on to do magic and set themselves up from nothing yet I'm here as an onlooker into my own life.
I've opened up to friends who of course can only advise me based on their own perspective and based on my biased perspective of my situation, nothing they tell me or suggest is workable or has worked for me.
I've seen therapists of course and I'm surrounded by coach friends - all of whom are baffled by me (non more so than me I can assure you)
I've just for the first time in my 50 + years crawled back into bed! unable to face the day, the drama, myself or my life.
I had a few interesting projects lined up none have materialised, I feel burnt out, so negative and disbelief of my situation, I'm spiralling out of control.
I so ashamed of how I feel and mostly embarrassed!
I have tried to look for a p/t job - of course they take one look at my CV and see self employed for over 15 years and wonder wt hell?, then they predict that I'm either over qualified or decide on my future by telling me that I'll get frustrated so in essence they've assumed that i can't think or haven't thought these things through for myself.
I feel as though I'm stifling in my own 's#@t and of course friends are disappearing off the scene now because it seems obvious to them that of your not happy you get up and walk out, og and you JUST go get a a job!!
For me it's not that simple. My daughter has no other family apart from us 3 and her friends... (yes she'll survive I guess) but sometimes KNOWING how much psychological damage you can cause is crippling me from taking action.
I fear that she's already angry towards me but I'm not sure and I can't fathom if she's thinking 'get a backbone and do something mother!' or 'why are you doing this to the family?
I don't have a close nit family although I have siblings (albeit I was the person who they always turned to) in the family there's a combination of learning difficulties and it seems a genuine lack of ambition).
Please know that I'm writing this, I feel fairly fragile and yet I hope that this becomes the beginning of 'the memoir that I want to write' for the person who feels like I'm feeling today, to acknowledge that today's just not a good day and therefore I'm ok at today being a 'writeoff'
Although the shame for me is as a coach, I feel unable to put into action anything that helps myself and I'm perplexed by this paralysis state)
I recall in all my years having a client like me a few years back and she too was unable to take action despite agreeing that everything made logical sense to her ! have ha
Have any of you ever felt this way?
The only time I'm free from the paralysis is when I'm Writing/Journaling.
I hate that I'm being so helpless and i can clearly see that my self esteem and confidence have dropped out of the bottom of my world.