How can I love my husband more? Feeling guilty...

[sarahj999]

Hi All,
New to this, so hope this reads ok...
I have two kids, DS 3yrs and DD 9mths, and have been at home since the first.
DH is a fantastic man who I know loves me totally. I feel so, so lucky to have such a wonderful husband and father to my children. This is why I feel SO GUILTY that recently I just cannot seem to muster the same love and affection I once did for him. I am hating sex. I know this is not uncommon for some mothers in the early years, but it is awful. I can hardly bare to be touched, particularly in any sexual way, but even a kiss can set me off. I do not want anyone else, I do not look at anyone else. What I want is to feel about my husband like he feels about me again. I can't bare it that I cringe at his touch. He has been understanding, but he must feel so rejected. I could almost understand if he went elsewhere, I am such a cold bitch sometimes.
We do get out occasionally, I know it should be more and I should try to arrange this, but is there anything else I can do??

don't know what to say but bumping for you

Thanks for the support, charmkin.
Anyone out there got tips on how to boost the old sex drive?!

what used to turn you on? think abouit that and try those things again..

could you get away for a night to a hotel? somewhere away from the children and the house.

Or perhaps you could try initiating one evening and do what you think you might enjoy.

sorry i dont have any usefull advice, all i would say is talk to him and explain how important he is to you and how much you love him and you dont know why you feel this way, perhaps talking will help you and it will hopefully make him inderstand that you are not pushing him away to be cruel.

"understand"

Hi sarah, no tips, just to say, I am in a very similar situation, only Ive let mine go on for far too long. DD is now 2.2 years and ive felt like you, since she was born .

We are going to Relate next week as a last resort becos our relationship really has gone into melt down. I do think that sex is important (altho it still doesnt make me want it.) It keeps you close and is a good way of dispursing bad feeling between one another. I am hoping that counselling is going to help us (me in particular) deal with our issues and that we can get back to being close again...

Arghm hope im not rambling... I guess what i am saying is that you aren't alone...

Thanks for you messages, it all really helps.
Fortunately, we do have quite good communication and DH knows how I am feeling. I can talk quite openly about all this. I do find now though, that he is probably getting a bit bored of being 'understanding', and I cant blame him. If I could switch it back on I would, but I can't seem to snap out of it.

Since had DD, both my nipples have become inverted. As such, I can't stand to be touched there. Are there any remedies out there? God, I am such a mess! Sorry to go on and on, ladies.

I don't feel wholly unattractive, but the boobs are a downer.

Oncebitten, Good luck at Relate. Really hope it works out for you. x

My two are the same age. I went through this after my DD was born 9 months ago, realized I'd let myself go a bit, and started to do things to make myself feel better like having my hair done, doing my nails, putting a bit of make up on and wearing nice clothes, not just whatever was closest in my wardrobe.

If you pretend to yourself you feel sexy or want sex you start to believe it eventually and I found this helped me.

keep on talking to him. Let him know that you are feeling weird but without rejecting him. In my experience, it doesn't take much for a man to feel rejected and they are often very quick to jump to conclusions. Let him know you are willing to work on it so he can help you. A relationship takes two to make it work.

And as for the sex thing...how do you feel if you just give in to it? ime it is sometimes the idea of having sex I am so not open to, but once i "resign" myself to it happening the pressure is off and i actually enjoy it. would this be something you could work on?

I think you will be ok. just let yourself remember why you wanted to make babies with this man to begin with, and give yourself some time as a couple to do things away from the kids.

i understand happened to me too, i had pnd but it's not necessarily that, it's more likely to be hormonal ,try your gp there's a viagra for women too, and i'm sure other stuff aswell, sounds like it's a pyhsiological thing if you still feel the same way for him, worth giving your gp a go - i mean for help not sleep with him obviously!!!!

thanks all, can smile about it all now.
It's true that most times we actually manage it, I do enjoy it. It's the getting into bed at night and dreading the 'come on' that seems to send shivers. Perhaps we both need to work on our timing for this part of the relationship! Poor DH, what a nut he has to put up with...

Explore different ways of touching if certain kinds don't work for you any more. The boobs don't have to come into it at all if you are feeling sensitive about them. If you can't stand him touching you ANYwhere you're in a bit of trouble though...

Also consider that if it's in the bed at night that you feel panicky, how about having a nice cuddle on the sofa which may or may not lead to something? Or as others have said, get away from home altogether. The pattern of tensing up in a certain situation becomes ingrained after a while and self-perpetuating, ie you feel bad because you know you're going to feel bad IYSWIM.

Thanks Annie, that does help.
IYSWIM? What is this Am not up on these yet!!

sarahj999, I don't think inverted nipples are a problem per se, but if they're bothering you, these items are meant to fix them.

Do you still masturbate? Do you fantasize (even if not about anyone in particular)? How is your self-esteem etc? Do you get time off from childcare etc, to take care of yourself (go running, have a long bath, read a book, whatever works for you)?

I only occasionally masturbate, not much these days. I do also fantasise, both during masturbattion and sex. I always have really, and the fantasies very rarely involve my husband! They're never really about anyone else specific either though, just situations and faceless strangers. Is this bad?! I honestly do find DH sexually attractive, I love him dearly and I don't feel drawn to anyone else. I'm just not up for it!

I do get a tiny bit of me time now and again, when DS at pre-school and put DD in creche and I go to the gym.
DH works shifts so I do have many nights and evenings in alone. I think maybe I just have too much time on my own? Therefore I find his affectionate kisses and gropes irritating? Oh, I don't know...

Probably that simple answer is that I need more babysitting and more dates with DH. More couple time to fall back in 'lust' all over again!

I think situations and faceless strangers is very very normal in fantasies, particularly in women. (Men tend to be more specific about the people and less specific about the situation.)

It sounds like your libido is just generally low. This is normal, you have two small children, who presumably are always touching you, which can put you off anyone else touching you or making physical demands.

If you can, if you can try to revive your interest in fantasies etc (read some porn?), when you're alone, and try to think of something you'd like to do with DH.

Also, if you can, try to initiate sex, so you don't feel like it's just another demand from someone, iyswim.

Hi,

They key points make by NQC, you and others are pretty handy i.e.

-time to yourself (doing something for you)
-babysitters/dates
-initiating sex

As these are the best bits of advice in this situation.

On top of this, you might find it useful to "schedule" sex/intimacy, as this means you can:
-feel in control of when it's happending
-DH (up to you whether you tell him the schedule) knows that he will get something as opposed to not knowing when the next opportunity is
-eliminates the "bedtime fear" - tbh with 2 small children, the end of the day is prob not the best time.

Ironically, the best result you can get out of this is that you will probably get the small intimacies back - kissing and cuddling, which really are key to keeping it together, as you wont be dreading DH thinking it will lead to more, and him jumping at every touch hoping for sex.

Good luck, though i think as you guys are talking (key!) you should be fine.... suspect if you read this thread a year from now, you will wonder what you were worrying about.

2 last thoughts:
(1) The "getting tired of being understanding" - very, very true. I think for men, if they dont see an end-point to this sort of thing it gets very dispiriting. If on the other hand he sees you trying to do your bit to make things work, it really helps - he sees that you are trying to get to where you both want to be - when you want to make love with him.
(2) if all else fails, tell him that it has been statistically proven men who do more childcare/housework get more loving.

sarah999, another thing that I have found really helps is putting yourself in a situation where you can see him from outside - like when you first met and he was unknown and intriguing, not like now when you just completely take him for granted as he is always there. If you go out with friends, or to a party and watch him from a distance chatting to someone else, this might make you see him as you used to, rather than the predictable lump next to you on the sofa every night IYKWIM