Think I just need to vent for a minute as I am too embarrassed to talk to anyone in real life about this. Sorry for long post…..trying not to have to drip feed
Bit of a backstory, been with DH 13 years, married 9, have 1 DD aged 5. Had long distance with DH then moved different countries within UK to be with him after I graduated uni. He already had a house and a steady job so made sense at the time. When I moved he promised he would move to my home country once he had established his career more (to help find a job there). I am very close to my family, him not so much. We live about an hour from his family, and an hours flight from mine. Family is very important to me. I would be around them a lot if I could. I gave up a very close social network of school friends to move here.
Anyway, I settled here and got a good job, then did a masters and currently finishing a Doctorate. Relationship with DH has been up and down. We don't communicate well with each other. We both perceive how we communicate with each other very differently- for example he will say something in a very angry tone (well I perceive it as that and so does my DD) and then I will be taken aback and say "don't speak to me like that". Vice versa- he perceives that I speak to him in a certain way and I probably do. I don't have difficulties with any other relationships in my life, never fallen out with siblings, friend (ok maybe when I was ten ) or parents. I work in a caring profession at a high level and deal with patients/ clients all the time- have only ever got high praise for my communication and interpersonal skills. So I know that it is not my communication skills per se that is the problem here but more a result of our relationship. On the other hand DH has had several arguments with work colleagues, including disciplinary and sent on courses to learn how to communicate more effectively. He also has difficulties with his family- doesn’t like them much, but that’s a different story! I don't like the person I have become when I am with him. I feel that how he communicates with me is how he communicates with everyone around him (apart from when he is being extra nice) but he doesn’t acknowledge that.
Money has been a big issue for me. We don't and have never had joint accounts. When I was earning a good salary this was fine, then I took a years mat leave and used up most of my savings, then returned to work 3 days per week- hence further reduction in my salary. Returned to study for a doctorate ( I work in a very competitive field so this was an amazing opportunity and all my previous study had led to this) and although I get a bursary it is not massive- but enough to pay for my travel, personal bills (phone, petrol etc), the occasional treat etc. I was also contributing around £350 per month towards house. DH gives me his card to buy groceries weekly and pays all the bills (apart from car tax, some council tax), and will pay most of the time if we go for a meal etc. DH earns circa 50k pa and got a 5k bonus a few months back- he hasn’t spent it on anything tmk. He also has quite a bit in his bank from some recent family inheritance. At that time (a few months back) I didn't have enough for a cup of tea and petrol. I know that I am probably too proud as I should’ve just asked. It’s made worse that I don’t have anyone around to ask- like my sisters. Anyway was really stressed at this time and broke down and told him why I had been so stressed. He gave me back the 3 months worth of house money that I had given him so I now have more to live on. He often throws it in my face that he is the main earner, and doesn’t appreciate the other things I do which allows him to go to his job stress free- like school drops offs/ pick ups/ housework/ play dates/ all holiday care when schools off, alongside working 3 days per week and then studying 2 days per week for a doctorate. Will be working full time in a few months once qualified in my field and have made it clear to him that he needs to take 50% of childcare and that we need to work out days that he and I will do school drop offs/ pick ups/ holiday care etc. he said he is fine with that.
Anyways, I don’t know what to do. We bicker constantly. I feel that as we don’t have family/ close joint friends around here that our relationship is intense and there is nobody who can give us some perspective (like my parents would if they were around). DH is an introvert ,I am the opposite. Friends very important to me, he would happily go months without seeing or hearing from them. Means that I end up feeling a little socially isolated. He would happily sit at home at the weekends. I just don’t know whether I need to end this relationship now. I feel that he is very controlling- so does his sister. He’s just always so uptight, I think anxiety underlies this! He can have fun on occasions, usually after a few beers. I’m so confused I don’t even know if I love him anymore- all I feel is resentment- for not agreeing to move back to my home town, finances, loss of social circle, for not having another child (I refused to try which would have been IVF as I didn’t want to do it again not being near to family), for feeling like I am wasting the best years of my life being in an unfulfilling marriage.
Is the grass greener on the other side (if we split)? Anybody provide any insights or advice? Can this relationship be repaired? I have looked into marriage counselling- but haven't brought it up with DH