Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Drearily familiar

8 replies

ParkRunner100 · 16/04/2018 12:11

Need some advice with a situation that must be drearily familiar to many, many people. DW and I both mid-50s, been together a long time. Two kids: DD at Uni and doing fine, DS moving on before long. DW and I don’t have a relationship, haven't had for some years and essentially live together as friends. We get on okay (if we go out, we have a nice time) and there's no animosity. There is also no warmth, no affection, no intimacy and certainly no sex. This is how DW wants it. I tried to work on the issue many times in the past but got nowhere. Last few years I admit I’ve given up and we’ve settled into this "friendship" pattern.

I certainly didn’t want to rock the family boat over the last 4-5 years as both kids had various issues. This is no longer the case so I need to decide whether to stay or go. Advantages of leaving are obvious but it will also be a huge wrench, involve a massive financial hit (all round) and the kids will hate it (although, obviously, they’re older now and they’ll get over it).

My current life, despite the obvious issue, is pretty good. Leaving feels like a huge scary leap into the dark which could either work out well or be something I hugely regret. Last Sunday, just when I was thinking I really have to leave we had a (admittedly rare nowadays) family meal with all four of us and it was great. All getting on, chatting, laughing, everyone having a nice time and I’m sitting there thinking, "Oh for fuck’s sake, this works well. Am I really going to smash this all up?"

I’m not expecting anyone to make my mind up for me but I’d be interested to hear what other people have decided in similar situations and whether it worked out well, badly... anything really.

OP posts:
Cricrichan · 16/04/2018 12:22

You say you have a nice time of you go out and the other weekend was great with all four of you laughing and so on.

Could you start trying to do things together? Start a hobby? (Badminton, learning a language, ramblers group, salsa dancing, cooking, gym) and see if that brings back the spark and you can have fun together and give you something to talk about.

juneau · 16/04/2018 12:29

I think you have to look at this with a long-term view. Can you live like this for the rest of your life? Because if you stay and continue to stay then that's what you're looking at - no affection, no sex - just bumbling along. I suspect that many, many couples find themselves in your situation as life goes on and I suspect that many of them decide to stay together, because breaking up is the worse option in many ways - certainly financially it is, but also personally. Right now you live with a good friend. Does he cook, shop, do the laundry, tidy the house, take care of you, book your holidays, etc? What sort of financial position will you be in if you leave? Does your DW work? Will you be supporting her after divorce and providing two homes? What about pensions and savings - if you have to split them all 50/50 what sort of life can you expect to have afterwards? What sort of social life? How do you think your kids will react? What about your DW - do you think she'll nod sadly and agree that things have run their course or do you think she'll be blindsided, angry, bitter, etc? It's all stuff you need to think through. I'd go and have a chat with a marital therapist if you want to talk to someone. You can go on your own and your DW doesn't even need to know, if you don't want her to.

yetmorecrap · 16/04/2018 15:12

when you say no warmth/affection but you can still go out and have a nice time, is she actually cold and nasty towards you or do you just mean basically no sex at all, is there no smiling and communication when you chat, no non touchy 'affection' at all? I'm not very 'touchy/feely' either-- never have been really and I'm not that bothered about sex, but I do care a lot, buy stuff he likes, make nice meals, watch programmes he specifically likes etc and that's affection too, but in a different way. I'm not saying that's right or wrong, its just how I am. i just wanted you to think what you mean about 'affection'. Is she aware totally of how you feel generally or do you make it about sex??

hellsbellsmelons · 16/04/2018 15:45

What has she said when you've talked about this?
Does she know this is now becoming a deal-breaker for you?
Could you go to counselling together?
I couldn't live the next 30 years like this.
I'm sure you don't want to.
So it's ultimatum time.
Time to tackle it or ship out and find some real love.

BuzzButterfly · 16/04/2018 16:03

I think it sounds unlikely your relationship will change. If you want a chance to find love, sex, affection etc I think you'll have to end it. It all depends on how much you want those things. Don't feel guilty for wanting them though, I know I would too!

ParkRunner100 · 16/04/2018 23:12

Thanks for the replies everyone. In response to the various queries/observations.
BuzzButterfly is right - the format of the relationship is extremely unlikely to change. We get on more or less okay but it is completely "as friends". If we don't split it will stay like that forever. I do appreciate you saying that I shouldn't feel guilty for wanting more, as this is a strong emotion that is playing a major role in holding me back right now.
yetmorecrap: I can see where you're coming from and, no, she's not cold or nasty at all. She is just completely and utterly not into any physical display of affection whatsoever. For example the last time she spontaneously gave me a hug was years ago. Whenever I've tried to show any warmth or affection towards her (I gave up ages ago) she invariably decided she had something more important to do, like empty the bins. It wasn't always thus but it has been for a very long time. I appreciate that people are different and can show affection in different ways, but (as far as I'm concerned) this is just off the scale. If I'm honest I've actually lost interest in trying to fix it. It's either stay or go.
hellsbellsmelons: Yes, we have discussed it, although not for some time. I did say on many occasions that the complete lack of affection utterly killed the relationship for me (or words to that effect) but nothing ever changed. I am not suggesting it is entirely her fault - I probably didn't handle the situation well either. As I mentioned in the original post we had problems with the children over a period of years and I (or maybe more accurately, we) put our issues to one side to focus on them. This seemed like the right thing to do at the time but maybe it didn't help.

So, it's either stay and have a perfectly nice life albeit without anything that resembles a relationship (or at least how I see one) or take a massive leap into the dark.

OP posts:
hellsbellsmelons · 17/04/2018 08:11

or take a massive leap into the dark
Or the LIGHT!!!!

You get one shot at this life.
You don't get to come back and do it all again differently.
This is IT!
After a recent bereavement I have to advise you to live your life to the fullest.
Enjoy it. Don't take a backseat in your own life.
Don't give up on happiness.
Don't live a half life.
Get out there. Take it by the horns and live it!!

yetmorecrap · 17/04/2018 10:09

Hate to ask OP but are there any specific past events that could have triggered this on her part . In my case I found out about an old emotional affair on his part and his secret very frequent porn habit (despite telling me he wasn’t that interested) and that romantic love feeling sort of flew out the door. Doesn’t mean I don’t care a great deal, but does mean I find it hard to feel that tactile

New posts on this thread. Refresh page
Swipe left for the next trending thread