MIL - if you could have an insight into her true feelings WWYD?

[AnnieOH1]

Ah yes the dreaded mother in law thread. So as not to drip feed I got this information from the old phone she gave my 6 and 3 year old which I even offered to re-set but was told not to by her.

MIL and I had a great relationship prior to my actual marriage and child; it took a major turn for the worse when my DH was diagnosed with terminal cancer (he survived). I'll not bother you with the ins and outs of everything that happened then but suffice it to say it's been a long road between then and now. It felt like as time went on some of the wounds had begun to heal and we had begun to see her again. (Since 1st January we've seen her maybe 6 times including the day the dog died during his morning walk and she was completely stuck, we do only live about 12 miles away)

Anyway on said phone is messages to various parties, my FIL (her ex), mutual friends of ours at church, as well as people I don't know. They date back to the time of husband's cancer up to her upgrading the phone recently. To say they are vitriolic is an understatement. Evil is probably the best word I can find.

So my question is WWYD? For context this is a woman who has bitched when we've not accepted help and equally bitched if we have. In black and white she has disagreed with every decision we have made (because they weren't the ones she would make). She works with cancer patients herself and has even joked at FIL making a comment wishing a brain tumour on me. There in black and white are some pretty ridiculous accusations, including MIL assuring FIL that a solicitors letter sent by her other former daughter in law actually was from me (allegedly I fraudulently obtained their letterhead and posed as said firm - because i apparently used to work there. No and no.) I could go on but I won't bore you.

I've spent the last few years trying to get a modicum of peace with this, for my husband's sake if nothing else. I've had so many people tell me to make peace - but is that really possible now I know that all this has been carrying on still with anyone who would care to listen? There are literally thousands of messages on this old phone amongst at least maybe a dozen people spewing hate and venom all directed at me. WWYD?

I would show dh the messages to give him clarification as to why I was going nc with all of them (if others agreed /supported her twatism)
And don't look back.

And if she is messaging your dc on it then remove it ASAP..

I’d keep the phone as my secret weapon and go NC.
Or
I’d send all these people who engaged with her a message from the phone to tell them the police will be in touch for slander.
Something to make them worry.
What an absolute Bitch.

I would be completely cutting her out of mine and the DC life.
Normally I would say the DC aren't involved and just to stop contact with her yourself, but some of the comments like wishing a brain tumour on you and the level of hatred is something that the children should never be exposed to, and if shes saying it to that amount of people I would think its very likely it would start being said to the DC as they get older or even to some level now.

If your DP wants to continue seeing her then that's down to him, but if he didn't agree to the children not seeing her then I would be willing to apply for a prohibited steps court order and show the evidence of her obsession with spreading lies about you and hatred towards you as a reason why its not in the children's best interest to have any contact with her.

This sounds so far beyond the level of a mistake/misunderstanding that can be rectified.

Agree with both PPs above. Show your DH, but don't delete....keep as your secret weapon and go nc...definitely. what an absolute cow

You all have no idea how grateful I am for your replies so far. I've been gaslighted so many times by her that it's difficult to see the wood for the trees.

I've not given the phone to my kids at all, I have taken a back up of all the messages too. Thankfully my DH is on board with no contact as he's now seen it for himself without it just being me saying "XYZ happened". If that ever changed I certainly would look at a prohibitive steps order, although I wonder out loud if it would be worth putting something in place sooner rather than later.

I actually don't know whether to be flattered that she's expended so much time and energy over the last few years on little old me. Sorry that sounds so sarcastic I just literally am done with her. I've no intention of even attempting to repair the damage she's caused with at least some of the family I'm not sure yet what to do about other people. Food for thought.

How horrible, You have gone through so much stress, you deserve some P&Q.
I wouldn't make any contact, she knows what she has done and your lives would be so much happier were she not in it. Best wishes x

I agree with pps.
One thing struck me though, by refusing to let you clear the phone, did she want you to find the messages?
As your DH is on board and you have backed up the phone, I would hand it back to her in person and say “MIL, you should have cleared the messages”
Then, NC all the way for the future.

Prestonsflowers - we've actually wondered the same thing. It's the type of thing she has done before, and it wouldn't surprise me if she had so that she can go around her little friends with an "oh woe is me, I've made a mistake and given Annie this phone and she's took the messages the wrong way" - I'm pretty certain she just loves the drama of being able to go from person to person with her stories.

One day I'll write a book about all this although I'm not sure anyone would believe it!

She sounds awful and I agree she’s deliberately passed it over without deleting anything. There’s no logical reason why she would explicitly instruct you not to reset the factory settings, except imo to ensure you read the nasty stuff. I agree that you should all go NC with her (I probably would tell her why but I can see why it’s probably more sensible not to bother). I wouldn’t contact anyone else on the phone messages though, they might consider it to be harassing and call the police on you (the police will not be interested in a claim of defamation which is a civil offence).

If your DH is on board then it is easy.

NC forever. Your first duty is to your children - and keeping this kind of shit out of their home lives.

Re drama and handling it - bottom line is it doesn't matter if she is out of your lives, she can say what she wants, but if there will be indirect links - FIL? other relatives? - then you might want to take a bit more control. I'd see a solicitor with the messages and ask about an order keeping her away from you and your children.

It's one thing her enjpying a little bit of drama about 'Annie cutting me out just because of some messages' and having a court order in force preventing you from contacting your grandchildren. No smoke without fire... um, I have a feeling she wouldn't find quite so much to enjoy about that, or that she'd get the same amount of cooing and sympathy from her contacts. In fact, I think she'd (privately) be absolutely horrified and embarrassed.

So do it :)

I thought the same. Has she deliberately left the messages on for you to see?
It doesn't matter really. Here is your proof
This will backfire on her. NC and no more hassle for you

NC and enjoy the new peace lass.

This is such a terrible situation for you

But I'm sort of glad that you now have proof. NC is the very minimum; and if it were me I would also want to take legal guidance about putting something more formal in place to keep her away from you, given the severity of what she has said and the fact you have proof. Would DH support you in this?

Thank you all - you've brought me a lot of clarity. It's been the main point of discussion all day with my husband. I'm actually grateful for what she's done, it means I have absolute evidence of her and other behaviour these past few years. I think the only issue I have is if I stay in the same church (same overall church just not the same building iyswim), I'll just have to work that one out as it comes I guess!

My dh and I have been NC with dh parents for 6 years, we are currently reading toxic parents by Susan forward and Toxic in laws by the same author, together. I thoroughly recommend both books for when you are ready to try to make sense of mil behaviour. I will warn you to keep an eye on fil as we always thought that he was on our side but placating mil. When in fact he was as bad if not a great deal worse, he made the bullets and had mil fire them.

My mil emailed her best friend an entire email of lies about me +dh. The friend actually forwarded it to dh which gave us no choice but to go nc. Over 3 years now and life is truly blissful.
Don't be afraid to just do it.