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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

He's finally confessed to being depressed and suicidal after we broke up. What can/should I do?

22 replies

badsurname · 16/04/2018 08:22

Been seeing a guy for 4-5 months. Started off a wonderful whirlwind before Christmas but then started going sour ( I posted about him two months ago and everyone said he was a rude fucker and I should be well rid, but I stupidly didn't). I am now pretty sure he is on the spectrum and think that the things that have upset me, eg blunt to the point of rudenesslack of empathy and complete inflexibility, all stem from that. Anyway, he stood me up this weekend when I was sure we had plans, and I finally ended it.

Part of the reason I have stuck around and given him extra chances is that I have thought he was depressed- he has said a couple of times that he is in a bad place, and I have tried to get him to open up and talk to me, and shared my own experience with depression, but he never has said anything more than being unhappy with his job.

Now the day after I called a halt he sent me a message saying that actually he was depressed and had been suicidal for the last four weeks. And he had finally written a will, which had previously been stopping him.

I have said I'm sorry to hear that and that I am here if he wants to talk to someone- I told him to reach out to his friends and he said he has and they don't want to know any more and he feels alone. He said he never wanted to tell me about it as I have a lot on my plate already. So I am assuming this is a cry for help.

I don't really know what to do. I don't want a relationship with him, but he has finally chosen to confide in me and now I feel responsible in some way. He lives about 40 mins drive from me and I am really busy and have small children so I can't pop over with flowers or chocolate and give him a hug, which is what I'd do for one of my friends. I am basically just offering to be an ear if he wants to call me. But if he is seriously suicidal that doesn't seem enough.

What should I do?!

OP posts:

Smellyrose · 16/04/2018 08:25

Tell him to go and speak to his doctor. He is not your responsibility just because he has decided you will be the one he confides in.

You are busy and you have children. Are the problems of a man tou’ve Only known for a couple of months more important than your children? Who would you rather be looking after?

Quite convenient that he decided to confide in you only after you finished with him...

mummyretired · 16/04/2018 08:26

Nothing. You are not responsible for him, he is an adult. He's inconsiderate of you and trying emotional blackmail. Suggest he sees a GP.

Yes I'm unsympathetic to your ex. I've been in your position more than once.

leghairdontcare · 16/04/2018 08:26

Read any of the numerous articles on suicide threats as a form of emotional abuse/coercive control that you will find via Google.

Block him and move on.

LimonViola · 16/04/2018 08:27

You can send him the numbers for the samaritans and his local NHS crisis team.

Samaritans is 116123 freephone, he can text them on 07725909090, or email them on [email protected]. You can google for the local crisis team.

It's nice of you to want to be there for him. But you mustn't feel in any way responsible for him, he's an adult and he will now have the details for who to contact if he feels at risk. You're not a medical professional but a friend, so you can message and see how he is but don't feel like you have to take care of him or sacrifice your own time with family if you don't want to.

SandyY2K · 16/04/2018 08:29

He should seek medical support via his GP. Funny how he's reached told now you've dumped him.... I'm a cynic though.

Beaverhausen · 16/04/2018 08:30

i agree with smellyrose you do not need this on you with everything else.

Sympathise and tell him to seek medical help, if it was me I would think he is using emotional blackmail.

OnTheRise · 16/04/2018 08:32

You ended your relationship with him, yes? In which case you advise him to contact his GP and then you block him on every platform you can.

He might be telling you the truth. Or he might be trying to draw you back in. Either way, you're not his partner and you are not responsible for him. If you get involved in his depression you're in for a lot of trouble, I fear.

category12 · 16/04/2018 08:33

Are you a mental health professional? Is he your patient?

You can't save him or fix him, and he's not your responsibility. Also you'll be giving him mixed messages if you swoop in on help mode.

Look, you're clearly a lovely person, but it's very convenient for him to suddenly declare he's depressed and he has only confided in you once you've broken up with him. He wants to suck you back in and make you feel responsible for his happiness.

If he's genuinely depressed, he needs to see his gp. You have dc and your own life to think about.

ShamelesslyPlacemarking · 16/04/2018 08:34

Amazing how your feelings have apparently been irrelevant to him all this time yet now that he’s got emotional problems you’re the only person he can turn to (because everyone else is also fed up with him).

Maybe I’m harsh but I wouldn’t have time for this emotional vampire. You’ve offered an ear, I agree that you could suggest a doctor’s visit. That’s all the investment you’re required to return.

Eatsleepworkrepeat · 16/04/2018 08:39

Whether he's doing it deliberately or not this is a firm of emotional blackmail/ control. His mental health is not your responsibility. If he can tell you he can tell a gp/ the samarians. Wish him well and stop contact.

lifebegins50 · 16/04/2018 08:45

and I have tried to get him to open up and talk to me

now I feel responsible in some way

Are you trained to help people with serious mental health issues? If not I would not get involved..You are not responsible and it's strange you think that given you only know him a short time.
All you can do is make him aware of health professionals who are trained and then leave it.Are you aware of Karpman's Drama Triangle where one person (you) becomes the rescuer?

You are only responsible for you and your children.Kindness should not involve taking on responsibility for him or trying to be his therapist.

Makingworkwork · 16/04/2018 08:47

You are not a mental health professional and if you were you would know that you can’t treat some one you are in a relationship with.

Suggest appropriate places to seek help and then don’t contact him again as he will get confused and think you want a relationship.

If he threats sucide call 999.

Original poster

badsurname · 16/04/2018 09:07

Thank you all.

No, I'm not a medical professional, and I have told him to see his doctor and get CBT/meds, he said he had already had both and they didn't help. But I asked what he was taking ( having tried some myself) and he couldn't remember so I surmised that meant he wasn't really taking them and he agreed that he isn't taking them regularly. I've told him to take them properly and give them a chance to start working as they have to build up in your system, and that if they don't help then to go back to the doctor and get them to try something different or change dosage.

That's pretty much all the practical advice I can give, as I know (from experience) that the drugs DO work but only if you take them properly and find the right one/dosage for you.

That's pretty much all I can do other than saying he can call me if he needs to talk to someone.

I agree he probably is trying to draw me in, but I don't want to be the thing that tips him over the edge, so I am offering an ear but nothing else.

OP posts:

Beaverhausen · 16/04/2018 09:13

OP do not tell him to call you to talk to someone. That is the worst thing you can do because he is going to take every opportunity he possibly can to wind you around his little finger.

Eatsleepworkrepeat · 16/04/2018 09:53

So he's half heartedly taken some antidepressants, and may have tried one type of therapy "but it didn't work". It sounds as if he's taking very little responsibility for his mental health. Seriously, this is not your problem, it's his. Please don't take his responsibility on, actually it's unhelpful for him because while he has you as a crutch he's less likely to take responsibility for himself and do the things that will actually help his depression. Please please don't get drawn in.

category12 · 16/04/2018 09:57

You're much better drawing a line, you know - he'll be holding out for you to take him back and it's kinda cruel to give him hopes.

LimonViola · 16/04/2018 09:57

Brilliant post, Eatsleepworkrepeat

Angelf1sh · 16/04/2018 10:15

He’s not your responsibility and I agree that this is a deliberate attempt to suck you back in - if he genuinely previously felt he shouldn’t unload on you as you have enough on your plate already, what’s changed now? Before you were in a relationship where he could (arguably as you were not together long) reasonably have expected some support from you, but he felt it was asking too much. Now you’ve separated he suddenly thinks it’s ok to unload on you? No, I think it’s calculated.

In any event, you don’t have the necessary time, energy or skills required to help him. You’ve done all you can. I don’t think for a second he will kill himself (the fact that he’s told you about it is a strong indicator he won’t, genuinely suicidal people tend to hide it so that people don’t stop them), but if he does then that will have been his choice and not your fault.

Zaphodsotherhead · 16/04/2018 10:20

I may be alone in the opinion that I don't think he's trying to draw you back in to a relationship, but I do think that he sees you in a 'caring' role (you have children) and therefore as someone who must 'care'. I've come across ASD people like this before. So he's sort of cast you as his 'mummy surrogate' (maybe one of the reasons your relationship failed?). You need to be firm, tell him to go and see his doctor again and then cut ALL contact, otherwise he will lean on you until kingdom come.

ForkIt · 16/04/2018 10:23

I’m so glad to read such good advice. Please cut him off, I have nothing to add to the excellent advice

BonsaiBear · 16/04/2018 10:39

So he lovebombed you, then turned nasty, and once you ended it is saying he's suicidal?

That's textbook for an emotional abuser.

Start reading up on emotional abuse and co-dependency.

lynmilne65 · 16/04/2018 12:12

Excellent advice from mnet as usual

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