Where now from here?

[Thatsthatthen]

I'm a man looking for some advice as my friends are just so lacking in this area.

My DP (we're not married) told me she is not interested in sex any more. She used to be, but in the last few of years she has lost her father, put on weight and been frustrated with work.

I'm not one of these guys who thinks sex is linked to looks. I love her no matter what her size, but I am not sure I can live without sex to form the glue of the relationship. I have been accused in the past of being only interested in sex. It's not true, I do think sex is important, but it is not the only reason to have a relationship, but it is what cements a bond in my view. Otherwise we may as well just be mates who live in the same house. My previous relationship ended for the same reason. Is it me?

My DP is in her early 40s and I am late 40s, there's no DCs to worry about, but I don't think I am ready to close the book on my sex life. The easy option would be to walk away, but I don't want to. What I want is to go back to when we actually enjoyed each other's company. Is it possible to regain that feeling or is it now too late?

I think you need to sit down and communicate together. Start by saying you love her etc but are concerned about what she said re sex....because it's vital to any long term relationship. You are both only in your 40s. You have a vision of how the future is....ask what her vision is.

If she definitely never wants to have sex again then it sounds like you're incompatible unfortunately.

There are therapists for this exact problem, surely she loves you enough to try that?

I’m living this problem in my marriage. I can tell you that 10 sexless years on it's the fact my DH doesn’t care enough to find a solution that hurts worse than the celibacy. Deal with both before you end up like me, or divorced from someone you love.

Good luck. Sex is a reasonable expectation to have.

lost her father, put on weight and been frustrated with work.

When something similar happened to me, I found my then DP's attitude, really, really unpleasant.

No matter what else happened, he wanted regular sex. Without it, he was just grumpy. He didn't care what was going on with me, he didn't want to split up and have the bother of finding a new partner, he just wanted more sex, and then he would ... not complain until the next time he wanted sex.

I was just in my 20's, it took me longer than it should to work out that that was no way to live. Only years later, looking back now, can I see how my unhappiness was bound up in his only desire for me being the availability of regular sex. As soon as we split up, i found new respect for myself, enjoyed exercise and eating well.

Not saying this is the same as your case, but just incase, i leave this here, hoping you might have a conversation with your DP about what you each want from your ideal relationship.

You could still have more than half your life left. So you’re happy never to have sex again? What’s the point of a sexless relationship, you may as well be flat mates.

I had an affair with a MM who was in this exact same position. I won't go into details and please don't shoot me down in flames.
The whole reason for his affair was due to lack of intimacy and sex for a number of years and the refusal of his wife to discuss it.
Please don't go down this route. I know you are probably not even thinking about it but your vulnerability makes you a prime candidate should the opportunity arise. You have to discuss the lack of intimacy with your wife. Try pamper days for her and then meeting up for a date night afterwards, when hopefully she is nice and relaxed. Take it slowly. Tell her that you'd like to get close to her but will in absolutely no way expect to have sex. Take the pressure off her.
I really hope you sort it out. Life is too short to stay in an unhappy marriage.

It is tricky, and I would completely take it off the table for now if you are serious about resolving this.

It is so easy to feel resentful when you are feeling under pressure for sex, when you don't want it. (And when you have communicated that).

But then I agree with others that wanting an active sex life is not an unreasonable expectation.

And you're right, it's not just about the actual sex but about the intimacy and bonding that it creates.

Is there a middle ground? Could you agree to totally take the pressure off for say 6 months, but ask if she is willing to have counselling/make some positive change/contribution to the relationship?

But yes, you need to have this conversation. I hope you can find some way to resolve it so that both of you are happy.