Please someone help. How can I stop this obsessing.

[AnxietyCanFuckOff]

Hi everyone. I have been with new dp since early December last year. We met on a night out, got talking and here we are. Things are going well and we see each other a couple of times a week. I really like him. We get on great, laugh constantly, have the same values etc. But there’s one big thing in our relationship that is so pathetic but I can’t get over it. When he is busy (so on a night out, at work, just generally pottering etc) he takes forever to reply to messages. So example he stayed at my place Friday night. He left for work Saturday morning, text me on his break (about 11ish), I replied around 1 and the next time I heard off him was 7 o’clock when he said he’d been for a meal with his brother and was heading into town and that he hoped I’d had a nice day. He then text me when he got home about 2am (which I read and replied to this morning). He then messaged me about dinner time today and I haven’t heard off him since.

Now I suffer very badly with anxiety (which he doesn’t know about as I don’t talk about this with ANYONE except my counsellor). I am on medication and go to see a counsellor weekly. I am really trying to get myself better. But I’m tying myself into knots. I spend a lot of time on my phone and he doesn’t. When we are together he maybe looks at his phone once/twice (if that) in maybe a 10 hour period. So I know he’s not constantly on his phone and ignoring me. As well as this when I check to see if he’s online/been online he hasn’t been all day so again I know he’s not just sat online and again ignoring me. I KNOW he is busy and I KNOW not everyone is glued to their phone but I get myself so upset about it. It’s silly. I am a grown woman, responsible job, dc etc and I’m almost giving myself a panic attack because my boyfriend is taking longer than5 minutes to reply. It’s pathetic isn’t it?

My counsellor has explained about the anxious side of my brain and the rational side of my brain (and rationally I can see I am being stupid) but nothing seems to be helping. I feel like I spend my life checking my phone to see if he’s replied.

I know he’s busy and I know we don’t have to be in constant contact. My friend says I need to speak to him but really what can I say ‘when you are busy and having fun make sure you take time out to reply to my text about the soup I ate for lunch’. It’s just silly.

This is how it’s been since we very first met so it’s not as if contact is decreasing. He’s said before he has never been one to sit on his phone. And if anyone else takes a while to reply (and I am guilty of taking days!!) I dont give it a second thought yet when it’s him... I just lose my mind.

This is a ramble so I do apologise. My anxiety is overwhelming me today.

Aghhh this anxiety is killing me! It physically hurts

I find it interesting that the core of your anxiety is around whether he wants to be in a relationship with you. Surely the whole point of dating is to discover why it doesn't work? If you are lucky one of the people you date will turn out to be a good match.

So what if it turns out he decides you aren't a good match for him? You might equally decide you aren't that into him either.

Choosing to break up doesn't mean one of you is deficient or bad. It just means you aren't a good match together. You learn something about what you want from a relationship and after a bit move on to the next one.

Hi OP. Also wanted to say I know how you feel as I'm having the exact same problem. He's reading the messages immediately but then not replying for sometimes hours. I hate that I keep checking and it's starting to drive me up the wall.

You're not going to like this OP but I think you should end it. This isn't a relationship because it's not equal. You're not behaving like a partner who is 'whole' and that is crushing for somebody else. The language you use is inflammatory and so bad for you.. 'killing you'? If you truly feel that way then what the hell are you doing with this man?

The fact is, you have not been together that long, it's less than six months - and you feel like this. It's not worth it, is it? It's not working for you and I doubt very much that you're going to be able to 'cover it up' as well as you think you've been doing, in the long term.

I don't read anything in your posts as 'bad' from his side but quite honestly, I would run a mile if I caught wind of this. Unless you're the most consummate actor that lived, you will not be able to hide this behaviour from him. So you have two positive options - end it - or change yourself. The third option is wait for him to end it.

He told you he has a work issue going on tomorrow and instead of saying something like "Ok, let me know if you want to do something if it's not too late" - you tried to pin him down, giving two options but definitely both that he should see you tomorrow regardless.

What about hypnosis? Would that be an option for you to consider?

Something, anything. If the medication isn't working then can you get to your GP and get it reviewed/changed?

This is no way to live and you do have my absolute sympathies. I hope you can find a way to manage this because no matter how much I would love somebody, I couldn't be with them having to prop them up to the degree that you seem to need. :(