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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Should I keep in contact with sister? Sorry, long.

13 replies

Confusedmess · 15/04/2018 16:51

I’m looking for some perspective so please bear with me on this.
This is

I’m the middle one of 3 sisters. Me, Marie (eldest) and Freda (youngest). *Names changed

All 3 of us are not in contact with our parents for different reasons, due to toxic relationships with them, and due to the toxicity, the three of us never stayed in contact. Until recently.

Marie got in contact with me by text. Marie had always stayed away from the family for long periods even before she went NC, so hopefully without sounding awful, we were just used to her not being around so her text came as a bit of a shock.

Anyway, it was just a hi, how are you kind of text, so you’re thinking ‘that’s great’ right?

Well, it would have been but for one thing. The reason why Marie became estranged from the family is because she made a threat to harm our great nephew.

Marie has schizophrenia and bipolar. When she made the threat, she was not taking her medication. Her social worker (who had to alert certain members of our family about the threat) said Marie had been complaining of feeling like a zombie while taking the medication, but the problem was when she didn’t take it, she had meltdowns like this. Much of it was about our family, and with the family being as dysfunctional as it is, my thoughts are that our parents helped towards making Marie ill in the first place, and for her to make the threat.

Great nephew is a much loved child, fussed over by great nana, who never gave a damn about us.

Now to the present day: in one way, I’m happy to hear from her, she is my sister, but in another way, I’m thinking is this going to open a can of worms?

I know I’m not in contact with my family, I had gone NC after this happened, but I saw the unhappiness in Marie when she was a child and I don’t think it ever left her. She is on her own, and I hate the thought of her dying on her own, but the threat she made hangs over us. What do I do?

OP posts:
Confusedmess · 15/04/2018 16:54

Sorry, I must add that Marie had sent more texts to me after the initial one and I replied a couple of times, but not to the last couple as I don’t know what to do for the best.

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Emma198 · 15/04/2018 16:54

She did what she did when she was poorly. And you're not in contact with the others to open a can of worms. Sounds like you want a relationship with her, so if that is the case then you should.

Confusedmess · 15/04/2018 17:33

@Emma I’m still in contact with some family members, Freda and my younger niece. It’s just my parents who I went NC with.

My eldest niece who is great nephews mum(*Janet) fell out with me when I went NC with my parents. She has a loving relationship with my parents (complete opposite to what I had with them)so couldn’t understand why I fell out with them. She is enmeshed with them, and blind to their faults. It’s her I don’t want to hurt. She moved miles away when Marie made the threat. I was hoping that one day we could get back in contact.

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Confusedmess · 15/04/2018 17:34

Sorry for the dripfeed, it’s such a mess.

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NotTheFordType · 15/04/2018 17:55

So 'Freda' is NC with your parents but allows, or allowed, her children contact?

In all honesty this sounds like a horrible toxic mess. Your eldest sister is clearly not functioning well, unsurprisingly given the background.

How long ago did she make this threat? Has she gone back on medication now? Does she have a history of ditching her meds?

Emma198 · 15/04/2018 18:02

You also said at the top of your thread that the three of you never stayed in contact until recently and at the bottom that you're NC with your family, not just your parents.

Confusedmess · 15/04/2018 18:11

@NotTheFordType:

Complicated re Freda and Janet. Freda was having problems with her then dh, and took her eye off the ball, so to speak. While this was happening, our parents slowly and systematically turned Janet against Freda, and she ended up living with them. That’s why Freda went no contact with our parents. My other niece stayed in contact with my parents and her sister Janet, (didn’t see them that much anyway with being at uni) and stayed in contact with me when I went NC. She sees from the outside what’s going on.

Marie made the threat 5 years ago. At the time, we were all instructed not to be in contact with, or talk about Marie.
Obviously, this was before I went NC with them.
Hope all that made sense..

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Confusedmess · 15/04/2018 18:23

@Emma, yes, sorry, I made a mistake there, it’s just parents that I’m NC with.

It’s only recently that Freda and I have been in contact but that’s more to do with us leading separate lives, not actually falling out. We are not close as sisters, but it’s nice that we are in contact. Hope that makes sense too.

So basically, I’m in contact with Freda, and my second niece *Sally who is Janet’s sister.
Phew..

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Angelf1sh · 15/04/2018 18:24

She did it when she was ill and (presumably) not accountable for her actions, I don’t think you should hold that against her. If she’s properly medicated now, there’s no reason to believe she’d do anything harmful, moreover texting you doesn’t get her any closer to your great nephew anyway so there’s no additional risk to him. I don’t think you should not talk to Marie on the off-chance Janet changes her mind about everything. The only reason to not talk to her again is if you don’t want to. Janet has already made her mind up, you’ve no reason to believe she’ll change it and in any event, how would she ever know you’ve sent the occasional text? I’d reply but keep it casual whilst you make up your mind about what it is that you want, not what you think other people want.

Confusedmess · 15/04/2018 18:28

Sorry @NotTheFordType, I don’t know if Marie is or isn’t taking her meds as we haven’t spoke about them.
She has mentioned in the past about her meds getting her down, but having not seen her for a long time, I don’t know if she’s back on them.

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Confusedmess · 15/04/2018 18:37

@Angelf1sh. Well, that’s it. There is a chance that Janet won’t speak to me again. I have to take that chance. At least she has her own family, Marie is not that lucky. It’s not her fault. I think I’ll take your advice and send her an occasional text.

It’s just crap that the people that made a mess (to put it politely) of the family are seen as the wounded party.

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mindutopia · 15/04/2018 18:50

I think you have to keep your relationship with her separate from anything with your great nephew. Do you want a relationship with her? If your great nephew’s parents don’t want a relationship with her on his behalf, then that is their decision to make for him and doesn’t really have anything to do with you unless you are his caregiver.

My dc are NC with a family member due to risk of abuse (family member’s partner has gone to prison for child abuse and family member enabled it). I would be uncomfortable though if another family member felt they couldn’t have a relationship with that person though because of us. It’s our choice for our family and doesn’t have anything to do with anyone else. It gets a little more tricky at Christmas and weddings, etc. because we’re all invited, but it doesn’t sound like that would be an issue in your case. Nothing is stopping you from having a one on one relationship with her if that’s what you want.

Confusedmess · 15/04/2018 18:59

@Mindutopia, Janet has moved her family out of the area, so there won’t be any chance of them crossing paths.

I think a one to one relationship is all I can offer, nothing more.

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