Not sure how to handle my parents

[ButtercupMash]

I hope it's OK for me to ask for some advice. I often lurk but don't post.

I have a 5yo son and my parents live about 45 minutes away. We visit (with DH) for the day every few weeks and during school holidays I often stay with them for a night or two just with DS as he loves going there. They will do the odd day of childcare a few times a year which is much appreciated as DH and I both work.

The problems I'm having with them are:

• they can't handle any sort of negative emotion. They only want to hear the "happy" and if I ever say I'm not happy about anything (e.g. work) they will get stressed and blame me

• if we have a disagreement that's automatically me "shouting" at them, being nasty to them, etc. It's the same with my brother - he emailed them once after an argument to try and work things out and they went on and on about his "nasty email"

• my mother is extremely controlling about food. She plans menus for our visits in advance and gets upset if DS doesn't eat what she gives him, blaming me ("you told me he liked x" - well he did last week, he's 5!) She offers him snacks all day and then gets upset when he doesn't eat her meals. It's as if food is the only way she has of showing care and she takes it very personally if I'm just not hungry.

• they are just so negative. They don't have a nice word to say about any of their relatives or (few) friends. If my mother's sister goes on holiday, for example, it's because she wants to show off, not just that she perhaps fancies a holiday. Although they are pretty wealthy and successful they are very scornful about anyone who has different spending priorities to them. Eg my brother is more of a spendthrift (he earns a good salary, so why not), and they love nothing more than to criticise everything he spends on. They are very critical about his wife too who is a perfectly nice person and has close family who enjoy each others' company, which I think they are jealous of.

Basically they are becoming increasingly negative and critical and I'm finding it suffocating. But they are really great with DS and he adores them, so I don't want to harm their relationship.

I can talk to DH and he is very sympathetic but he comes from a normal family that actually like each other so it's hard for him to know what it's like.

I suppose I just wanted to get it out and see if anyone else has dealt with something similar. Thank you in advance for reading.

Your son being the age that he is has not picked up on the fact that his grandparents are so negative and horrid but he will do and you certainly have. Its not your fault they are like this; you did not make them this way. Their own parents did that to them. Dealing with such negative and critical people is soul destroying. Would you have tolerated this from a friend, no you would not have done so. Your parents are really no different here.

I also think your word "adore" when it comes to your son and his grandparents is also misplaced. Children don't always know who is nice and who is not and he looks to you for guidance here. Not every person is safe to have around and this is a good time to teach that important life lesson. Your mother stuffs him full of snacks and when he does not eat the meal she has prepared she blames you?. How is that at all loving behaviour towards either you or her grandson?. Its not. He is seeing how you as his mother are being treated by them. They were not good parents to you when you were growing up and they are likely just the same now. You really do not want your child to be getting in their crosshairs.

Such people as well never apologise nor accept any responsibility for their actions. Your mother cannot handle anything other than positivity and no-one can be positive the whole time. It is unfair and unjust for them to treat you like this but they will not change. You can only change how you react to them and reinforcing boundaries would be a good start.

You certainly do not adore your parents do you; I think you are mired in your own fear, obligation and guilt with regards to them and that also makes you think your son adores them. I would actually seriously consider cutting back on the visits to them altogether and no longer used them as childcare or stay with them during the school holidays. You need to raise and reaffirm your own too low boundaries here with regards to them. That may be difficult for you because they will not like that and they also have likely not encouraged you to have any proper boundaries with regards to them.

I would look at and post on the "well we took you to Stately Homes" thread on these Relationships pages as this could help you (as well as reading Toxic Parents by Susan Forward).

This all sounds terribly familiar. I only tell my parents the happy things; I, too, have been accused of 'shouting' and emails being read to be 'nasty' (when they were not); and the negativity and criticism gets worse as the years go by. My parents are also very politically opinionated.

I see them twice a year. That's my way of maintaining a good relationship - at arm's length.

You have to prioritise your child here, and not let your parents' negativity affect him. If that means seeing them less frequently, or telling your mother to stop feeding him all that junk and putting up with the fallout, then you're going to have to deal with that.

It's hard. You can't change your parents by "managing" them: all you can change is how you respond to them. Refuse to engage with their ridiculous behaviours, and don't let your child get caught up in all the drama. It's the only way.

Thank you all very much for replying - I really appreciate it. It's the first time I have ever "spoken" about this with anyone so there is a lot to think about. I have read through everything you've written and there is a lot I relate to.

I will definitely have a read through the Stately Homes thread. I have dipped into it before.

They are not all bad. They are good with practical support and I believe that they genuinely mean well. They just have no capacity for emotional support. My mother in particular thinks support is cooking lots of meals, and telling people what their problem is. They don't understand the concept of just listening and being kind. They have a very fixed view of me and my brother and who we are (pretty much based on who we were as teenagers), which is really unhelpful.

One of my problems is I don't know what's me and what's them. I am far from perfect and know that I contribute to the problems. I often feel that I'm pretending to be a good person, and manage it 95% of the time, but then it slips and the real me (the way they see me) comes out.