Hello Sparkle
I'm hoping to get this across in a not too depressing over dramatic way.
I'm also hoping to give you the benefit of hindsight and an idea of how one of your scenarios might play out.
My father was an absolutely lovely man. People really adored and respected him. As a child, I totally idolized him. He was brilliant at practical and creative pursuits - he was a stay at home dad for part of our childhood, was a lovely patient caring father who taught me an enormous amount of the information and life skills which I know now. He was also an alcoholic. My mum worked full time as a teacher throughout our whole childhood.
My Dad's drinking varied a bit throughout our childhood depending on how depressed he was. In summer he was always more positive. Sometimes when his family would visit he would stop for several months at a time. But for years and years he denied there was a problem and refused to get help.
From my memories of it, I remember gradually realising that his behaviour wasn't normal and that my mum didn't like it. For some reason that translated to both my younger brother and I as being that our family just wasn't normal. We only realised we both felt that way when we discussed it as adults later down the line.
My family stuck together. People basically managed to function. We were always taken to school in clean uniform, homework got done, my mum went to work, my dad went to work for a while, although he preferred home based jobs on the whole. We went on holiday, day trips, saw family members, did nice activities with my dad etc. The family continued to function until we were all adults.
However, my dad's drinking did of course cause some issues. I remember finding wine bottles, dozens and dozens of them all stashed away. I was devastated by it as I realised he had a problem. My parents lost friends as he couldn't visit other people without secretly drinking and their friends didn't want that sort of behaviour around their kids. When we were teenagers my dad got caught drink driving and couldn't take us to school or himself to work anymore. Before that he used to turn up drunk to collect my brother and then me from our respective schools. I used to make my brother get out of the car and my school would call my mum and get her to collect us instead. When I was a teenager I had enough and told my school how things were at home. They gave me free boarding at school to get me out of the environment. My brother was left alone to deal with it at home.
He was never abusive, violent or horrible when drinking. Ever. But it upset us because we knew it was wrong and not what all the other parents did. Society does not accept alcoholics. Schools don't, employers don't, friends don't, your children won't.
My parents eventually divorced when I was 21. My brother was 18. He had burst into tears and begged my mum to leave my dad. To this day she tells everyone that she left for my brother- she let an 18 year old take that responsibility for ending her marriage because she couldn't make the hard choice.
My dad moved out, my brother never saw him again and never forgave him. Dad was always drunk after that. My parents remained friends. My mum used to look after him a bit. I used to visit him and spend time with him in his better phases. But gradually the better stages didn't happen anymore. We would get phone calls from police and hospitals saying he had passed out in the road. Eventually he died prematurely from an alcohol related accident. We were all devastated, particularly my brother.
My little brother now spends his time sat in my Mum's house drinking and depressed.
Children of alcoholics suffer from low self esteem and frequently become alcoholics or adicts themselves. They are attracted to partners who they try to rescue from addictions of their own.
I'm sorry, that was terribly long and depressing.
Long story short: the consequences of staying together are the impacts that it will have on your whole family in the long term.
I hope the story helps you somewhat. My suggestion would be to first start with informing yourself by phoning the families of al-anon. Do some research to figure out what will happen in the long term. Your husband's drinking will not remain between the hours of 10pm - 9am forever. Good luck with everything. Xx