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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Someone tell me what to do....

21 replies

QuietGirl82 · 15/04/2018 14:11

So 4yrs ago my ex and I separated. Well I say that, he left me. We argued over money/my PND/his drinking/drugs.

In those 4yrs we’ve done the bitterness and the anger and only talking through a lawyer. A year after he left he told me he’d met someone. I took it HARD. It was worse when I found out she wasn’t new. He’d been with her since before he left me.

For my own sanity I cut him off. We made a custody agreement through the lawyers and never spoke again unless it was for one of us to sit on our high horse.

A year and a half ago I couldn’t do it anymore. I called a truce to all the anger. Since then we’ve come leaps and bounds. We communicate really well. We finally found the same page on the same book. He’s still with this woman and we’re polite and kind to each other. I acknowledge birthdays for not only her but her kids. Even go as far as to buy her a thank you gift on mother’s day because my daughter does really like her and she is good to her.

Here’s my problem.... I think I’m still in love with him. I don’t even know why. I still have to hide my tears from my daughter because I don’t want her to know how much it hurts me when she tells me what a great time she has with them. I find myself being overly accommodating and flirty and always make sure my hair and make up is done for handovers. It’s pathetic because I know I’m doing it in a hope that he’ll remember who I was all those years ago when we first met. I want him back.

I need someone to just tell me what to do because all options just now make me so unhappy and sad.

OP posts:
Aprilmightbemynewname · 15/04/2018 14:14

You need a diversion from being so invested in him /her /the past.
New job?
Decorating the house project?
Hobby?
A puppy?
Plan a holiday?
Remember he cheated - underneath it all he is still a twat.

Helpmeplan · 15/04/2018 14:16

Move on. He is a cheat. He treated you abysmally.

QuiteLikely5 · 15/04/2018 14:19

You need to wise up.

Your behaviour is very self destructive.

He is not coming back. You were not the right person for him and you never will be.

That means he wasn’t the right man for you and all these years you have wasted have prevented you from meeting the right person for you.

I hope that made sense

Lifeaback · 15/04/2018 14:22

First of all you should be proud of yourself for being so civil with regards to the woman he cheated with. I can only begin to imagine how hard this has been for you, and not many women are capable of having the strength and decorum you've shown. You've acted in the best interests of your daughter and that really is something to be commended.

I think the only thing that will help you to stop fancying him and let go of any lingering hope that he'll change his mind is throwing yourself in the deep end with some kind of distraction as listed by april. You've worked through the anger and the bitterness, and now you need to work through the final stages of grieving and moving on and the best medicine for that is distraction. It will get easier and your feelings for him will fade Flowers

QuietGirl82 · 15/04/2018 14:30

Thank you April. I’ve done it all. I took redundancy from my previous job and I’m not at college retaining. I sold our house because I couldn’t afford it on my own and I now rent somewhere new which has been done up. Got a puppy and a cat 🙄 lost weight and changed my hair. The only thing I can’t do is the holiday but we do take breaks away x

OP posts:
QuietGirl82 · 15/04/2018 14:30

Thank you. I get what you mean x

OP posts:
QuietGirl82 · 15/04/2018 14:31

I wasn’t an angel either. I said and done some horrible things. Except cheat. Until the day he left I worshiped the ground he walked on even when it was hard x

OP posts:
numptynuts · 15/04/2018 14:33

You're in love with a lie. He cheated.

Hope you move on soon, you sound lovely Thanks

QuietGirl82 · 15/04/2018 14:39

I wasn’t always so kind. We called each other some really horrific things. It took me a long time to remind myself that being vile wasn’t in my nature and I don’t want my kids to learn that awful behaviour.

I was fine for so long it’s only lately (last 2/3 months) that these feelings have resurfaced. I find myself remembering who he was when it was good. I know it’s me romantising him and what we had when it was good. I still remember crying with hurt and pain at the bad times. I’ve put it down to hormones of the monthly friend we all hate when I do find myself being emotional but I really don’t have that excuse! x

OP posts:
QuietGirl82 · 15/04/2018 14:40

Maybe it was because I never knew at the time he was cheating. It was a little more than a year after we broke up that I found out. Because clearly I am that stupid! x

OP posts:
NotTheFordType · 15/04/2018 14:50

Op, do you think part of the issue might be you feeling cheated that he wouldn't stop drinking or taking drugs for your and your child, but has now (presumably) for his current partner?

I have experienced similar and it is very hurtful.

JennyHolzersGhost · 15/04/2018 14:52

Have you started dating again OP? I’d suggest getting out there and having some fun. Nothing serious but I think you need to feel desired again.

pompomcat · 15/04/2018 15:01

You're not stupid @QuietGirl82, don't be hard on yourself-he cheated, not you. Also we all say and do things we wish we hadn't. It sounds like you've handled this situation with an incredible amount of grace and strength (far, far more than I could have done).
Going forward, it sounds like you're viewing him through rose tinted glasses. The bottom line is that he took drugs and drunk, cheated and lied to you, and is with this woman-this is no reflection on you, except that he is not worthy of your love or any of your time except what you need to give him to co-parent your kids-you deserve better. I hope you are able to move on x

QuietGirl82 · 15/04/2018 16:41

@notthefordtype he hasn’t stopped and I know that makes me more foolish for feeling the way I do. He lied for a long time he had but I found out late last year he’s still drinking heavily and smoking green when he doesn’t have our daughter.

@jennyholzersghost I have dated. I was with someone for a year and a half but he wanted a family with kids of his own and I can’t give him that so we broke up. I’m still dating if I meet someone when I’m out (tried internet dating but I only attract the crazies!)

@pompomcat I know I’m romanticising him and I think that’s what my problem could be though. That I took it all and I’m still not good enough and with us getting along so well lately it’s bringing up old feelings x

OP posts:
MarieG10 · 15/04/2018 16:56

You are still in love with him, but not the real him. It wouldn't be like that if you were together. You somehow need to try and move on and thank yourself for a good job that you have a good relationship with him which is good for your DD

OnTheRise · 15/04/2018 17:52

Those rose-tinted glasses are awful, aren't they?

You're missing the good times, but not the real relationship. He lied and cheated. You deserve better. Keep reminding yourself of that.

NotTheFordType · 15/04/2018 18:01

Oh OP if he's still drinking and smoking then you are SO much better off out of it.

He's probably managed to pull the wool over his new partner's eyes. You know the truth about him. Please try to accept that truth in your heart as well as your head. He is a flawed human being (as are we all to some extent!)

Do you think a short course of something like CBT would help you here? So that when the emotional surge of "we could have been perfect", "why doesn't he love me" starts, you have some strategies to deal with that?

letsdolunch321 · 15/04/2018 18:12

Write down all the negatives about him. Refer to this list whenever you feel yourself having a wobble.

Great to hear you have lost weight & making sure your hair looks good etc. Do this everyday for yourself, not just when he is returning your dd

When your dd is away at his make arrangements to see friends to take your mind off him.

PreemptiveFartSquats · 15/04/2018 18:27

Are you dating? Could it be that you just want some male attention and he is the closest man to hand?

QuietGirl82 · 15/04/2018 19:26

@marieg10 I am so grateful for the relationship we have now. I love that my daughter loves him and never hesitates to tell me that. I love that since our parenting relationship has improved so has his with our girl

@ontherise they’re the worst! It’s daft things I see or hear and I remember us just laughing and I feel like a twat!

@notthefordtype I’ve done it all unfortunately. It’s helped with a lot but not this because for such a long time this wasn’t an issue it’s only came up recently.

@letsdolunch321 I’m a really lucky person that I live right next to my 2 best friends who never fail to keep me company when I’m alone. That list is right there. I still remember all the shit he put me through and how much it hurt and how long it took to get over not just him but the situation yet I’m still stupid enough to still want him

@preemptivefartsquats I am dating. I even got into a relationship after him. I sound so narcissistic but I’m not short of male attention but none interest me or make me laugh like he did x

OP posts:
pompomcat · 15/04/2018 19:32

@QuietGirl82 you are good enough. Absolutely. Him cheating/doing drugs etc is his issue-not yours. You could be twice as beautiful/intelligent/loving/giving/patient or whatever but it still wouldn't be enough to change his behaviour. It's not you-it really is him.

It's so easy to put someone on a pedastal and label them as the love of your life and ache to have them back, I have been there. But nobody is perfect (so you are never not good enough for anyone!) and if they let you down in the way this man has, they need to come crashing down off it! I really hope that you will find happiness x

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