Is it ever successful if you leave marriage and live with another man

[withhindsight1]

I've been married a long time and it hasn't ever been great. There has been abuse at times. My children are adults.

Recently I met a man online and it started as a friendship and has moved to a relationship. I knew I was making a choice each time but it has escalated and we have met up

I think I want to end my marriage and be with this person. I know there will be financial fallout and a lot of hurt and loss of my reputation etc. The risks are high and I'd be worse of money wise

My question is could it work and has anyone had success doing this. I am alot older now and on the 1 hand I could stay in my marriage and work through it with marriage counselling but I feel like that ship has sailed.

My husband is very suspicious and upset but I will not talk about it to him.

Please don't flame me as it is not something I have done lightly and never before

As it happens, I've known three women who've done exactly this. I know that's not a big sample, but - they each walked into a slow-burning abusive (controlling) relationship with these new men they didn't really know.

They'd left so much hurt and anger behind they couldn't just come back when the truth dawned.

I'm sure your marriage and life IS unhappy - but deal with that first, on its own terms. That would be my advice.

Leave your marriage if it is bad - I have. Don’t move straight in with someone else - it sounds like this man is the first affair you have had. What are the chances that he is ‘The One?’
Be alone. Find out what you want. Date a bit and see how things go.

I'm sure it's successful for some, and a failure for others. Instead of going straight from one to another, why not take some time out after ending the marriage to live alone and date this new guy? Get to know him without the pressure and intensity of sneaking around.

If you are unhappy in your marriage that is enough of a reason to leave it.
Going because of someone you barely know is a huge mistake. You'll likely find the grass isn't greener and then looking back at your marriage with rose tinted spectacles when actually it was pretty miserable.

If you marriage has been abusive I would leave regardless. I’d be wary about going straight into another relationship too though.

I wouldn't move straight in but he is in another area of UK.

So what would your plan be? Find a job/rent or buy nearer him?

How much time have you actually spent with him?

If your marriage is bad, then I'm all in favour of you ending it, but you need to be fairly practical about starting a new life in another area and if you'd be OK if the relationship didn't work out.

Leave your marriage if you're unhappy. But don't move in with anyone else. Start dating and take it from there.

withhindsight the advice not to move into another relationship straightaway is spot on, especially as your 'arsehole' radar might need adjusting.

I left a long marriage and lived on my own. My ex lives close by so our daughter sees both of us regularly. My partner and I have been together for ten years and now that my daughter is a teenager she sees my partner as a step-father as well as having a good relationship with her own. I also discovered that I liked living on my own so now although my partner and I spend days at each other's places I like my space and my indepedence. Although that may not be what suits you - I would urge you to live by yourself and go straight into this new relationship.

Find out what YOU want instead of trying to recreate a new family immediately.

By living by youself you discover yourself as a person independent of a relationship and independent of compromise.

If after say a year you and this man are still happy - then maybe consider moving in. But you must break from not just the old relationship but the old you in that relationship.

Good luck

I mean NOT go straight into a new relationship!

Sort out your relationship....don't even think about starting or continuing a new one. Not unless you really want to generate a whole load of grief upset and distress for yourself. If so then carry on

Thanks I think that is what I may do. Trouble is I won't be able to stay in my house

Well you can’t have it every way can you? Time for your big girl pants.

Well, no, you won't - you'll have to sell up or he might be able to buy you out.

Assuming you own, of course.

Can I ask where online you met this man? Was it a chat site? I would be very, very weary of being involved with a man from a chat site.

wary

Not a chat room as such but knew mutual friend and got talking

How much time have you actually spent with him?

You don’t need to leave your marriage and move straight into another relationship. Leave the abusive shit marriage and be alone for a while, find out who you are again outside of a relationship. Date, sure but make sure it’s fun and doesn’t come attached with any real commitments (including moving in.)

The first person I met after leaving exH was an absolute arsewipe, though I really really liked him at the time. I wasn’t in any position to jump from one long term serious relationship into another, I needed to have some fun first and I believe pretty much everyone does.

Yes I agree and I wouldn't move in with him anyway

So you're cheating on your husband, he's suspicious and upset but you won't tell him everything, that's lovely isn't it.

Perhaps be on your own once you have left your sham marriage because you don't have a proper marriage, you've been biding your time waiting for someone to come along to help you escape it, you don't need another man to do this, do it yourself, stand on your own two feet and forger replacing one with the other, it all sounds very professional, there are feelings here being hurt.