Arguments after having a child

[snorkel1]

Hi, I was after some advice to find out if this is normal or not really.
Married for almost 3 years and have a 12 week old baby, our first.
We have a good marriage, and I've always classed DH as my best friend as well as husband. Definitely not perfect though and we've always still argued. He's very fiery and blows up a lot whilst I'm a lot calmer and happy to let him have the last word just for an easy life. He's a good husband though and I love him.

Since having the baby we have been arguing so much more, is this normal? He seems to have a lot of resentment towards me for 'sitting around doing nothing' when I'm breastfeeding and its really getting me down.

For example I was upstairs breastfeeding this morning whilst he was mowing the lawn. We had a silly row just now and he complained that he has to do everything around the house and was out there mowing the lawn whilst I was 'sat on my arse'. He brings this up every time we have an argument and I'm not sure what to do about it, it's just ridiculous. He seems to be really helpful and hands on and never complains whilst he's doing something, but then will always bring up whatever he's done in an argument later on and bring up the 'me sitting on my arse' comment when everytime he's referring to I've had the baby on my boob

FYI I do absolutely loads around the house and the only time I sit still is when breastfeeding, which just happens to be a hell of a lot!!

He is being a nasty twat. Do not put up with this.

Yes it is normal to get snippy with each other when you’ve got a small baby.
No it is not normal for your husband to hold sitting down breastfeeding against you - unless he’s so knackered he literally just wants a sit down?
Oh and if he brings something up in an argument then he is complaining.

Probably he's jealous in some weird way that he doesn't even understand himself and unless he's a very rare specimen of the male kind he's not likely to admit it. I would definitely try to have a conversation about how his comments make you feel, otherwise it will fester and get bigger.

Gertrude - What am I meant to do? I'm definitely not considering ending a marriage with a 12 week old baby. I'm not really sure how to get through to him as it's just the same argument he brings up all the time. I can't work out why it upsets him so much

I was going to say arguing is totally normal til I read his comments about you sitting n your arse. How else are you supposed to feed exactly? Twat

You tell him that you are feeding your child and to grow the fuck up, end of.

Next time tell him to breastfeed the baby and you'll mow the lawn.

Sounds like the kind of child man that is pissed off that a baby has "come between you" and your attention is not all on him now.

Tell him to grow the fuck up!

I'm sorry but it's not normal ! My DH was completely the opposite, couldn't do enough for us, I loved him more every day since I've had my son , he's been my rock

Arguing more is quite normal. Lack of sleep and increased stress can lead to that. However, he is being a twat for complaining that you are sat on your arse when you are breastfeeding.
You need to be able to talk to him calmly about it.

You all give good advice! I've brought this up with him before when we haven't been arguing and he gets defensive and says he doesn't mean it like that, but if that's the case then why does he bring it up so much!

I think it's probably a mixture of tiredness but also I think it shows to me that he's pretty selfish as he seems so resentful at having to do things for me. For example he asked me if I wanted a cup of tea earlier whilst I was BF and then when we had this argument just now he brought that up, like it was a really big thing to him that I was 'sat on my arse' whilst he was bringing me tea! Why ask me in the first place if you are going to bring it up in an argument later! So he's the perfect husband in one way, but then when we argue it turns out he's so angry about having to do these things for me?!

Was he really a decent guy before the baby? Calling you lazy for breastfeeding is just so monumentally twattish (and thick) that I can't believe any truly decent man would do it.

How is he with the baby? He sounds jealous of a baby!!!
Your feeding his child - does he resent you breast feeding - some men have issues with this. It's really not on and yes he actually doesn't sound that great!!!

I agree with Mary1935, I think he’s jealous and resentful that you are BF.
Talk to him and tell him that his attitude upsets you and is wrong

Does he not understand that feeding a baby takes a lot of energy and is actually hard work . Was he fully onboard with you breastfeeding? He sounds like he has major problems with it. He is totally out of order. Can you let rip and tell him exactly what breastfeeding is. Literally making your baby grow and keeping him alive. How can that be lazy. Tell him you will not have one more word about breastfeeding and your arse or you are going home to your mother..if that is possible. Bring it to a head as its horrible and has to stop. Or just say..seriously are you jealous or something or whats up with you. He actually does sound awful.
Maybe show him this thread.

I’m in the same boat! Our baby is also 12 weeks old and occasionally when DH has a bad day, I’m the lazy one who doesn’t do anything but sit around all day and how can I say I have no time when I have loads of time. Then the next day goes back to being kind and helpful again and says I do the most valuable job looking after our DS. I’ve come to the conclusion he’s a stupid twat and he’ll grow out of it soon!!

I would ask him what difference standing to BF would make? When he realises he cant answer, perhaps he will realise what a prize twat he is being. Its like complaining he sits to take a shit.
Sorry, not to compare bf'ing to shitting but you see what I mean....

He really needs to stop this and think about his actions now. You're both probably knackered but that's no excuse. Does he have high expectations in regards to housework/garden etc? If he's tired then he doesn't have to mow the lawn right now. You don't get a choice about feeding your baby.

I hope it isn't something that can't be overcome and hopefully he'll own up to being a thoughtless twat and change his attitude. However, I do remember XP making me a photo album on my first Mother's Day when DS was about 3 months old, it had little descriptions next to each photo and there were photos of DS and me lying in bed asleep with comments next to them saying 'this is what mummy and I do whilst daddy goes to work'. I might be projecting a bit from this as he was a passive aggressive twat and I really hope your DH isn't.

Men can get depressed after having a child, in the same way that mothers can. Could this be happening? Because if not he sounds like he's being horrible, and isn't a good husband or person at all.
I know sleep deprivation can do odd things to people, and they say having a baby is like lobbing a hand grenade into a marriage. BUT that doesn't excuse general twattishnesh.
Is he helping/being woken at night? Was he like this before? You say you've 'always argued' so part of me is wondering if the red flags were always there all the time, IYSWIM.
He needs to sort his attitude the fuck out.

Perhaps you need to have a proper conversation about what he wants to happen. Does he want you to stop breastfeeding? If not, why does he continually criticize you when you do?

Maybe if you explained how exhausting it is - literally sucking energy out of you that your body has to make! - he might back off a bit.

Could he do some of the other baby-related care (rocking baby to sleep, or bathing baby) that would let him sit down a bit, while you do some of the other chores? It sounds to me as if he's not classing baby-related activities as chores, and he needs to realise that they're time-consuming even if they don't require standing up.

For some men, their partner having children seems to bring out the the latent arsehole in them. You’re more vulnerable and that makes it easier for the cowardly inadequate, to be a dick. What can you do? What you should always have been doing, which is standing up to him. His apologies mean squat if he keeps being an arsehole. Ultimately, him being an arsehole is probably dependent on your how long you’re willing to keep your mouth shut in your misguided pursuit that quiet life —subservient life—.