Contacting exes exes .... any experience ?

[Wadingthroughshit]

Hi everyone. I already have another thread so would really be even more self indulgent of me to discuss much here...I would just very much appreciate hearing anyone’s experiences of contacting either current partners or ex partners exes? How did you go about it?
I wish to contact my exes to discuss how their relationship was with him, as I believe he has a pattern of this behaviour. I do not wish to cause them any upset , and I am fully aware this is rather a selfish endeavour. However I have known a few people have these discussions and found it extremely validating and healing.
He uses one of his exes Facebook account to check on his latest ex with whom he has a son...she visitors her parents 400 miles away and never returned, ex now sees his son once per month.
I know all three exes became friends when his last relationship ended, seemingly all united in their treatment by him.
He has been incredibly abusive towards me. I have assigned a woman’s aid case worker, waiting list for freedom programme and have a counsellor and CPN after the stress caused a huge mental breakdown.
ANYWAY ! Any experience would Be greatfully appreciated. Sorry for taking up space on here again as well

Sorry but this sounds mental. Whatever happened to talking? If you have concerns then deal with them. The lengths you are going to is ridiculous.

For what it's worth, I am friends on social media with DHs ex, (although I have never met her in person) but they broke up amicably, we had been married for 13 years before this happened, she is godmother to his niece and a specialist with regards to a condition DS has. So all friendly and above board. Nothing underhand at all.

Hi @rainbowduck thank you for replying , I appreciate it sounds a bit mental, hence why I haven’t done anything yet, hence why I’m asking for advice! I also won’t do anything whilst I’m still very upset as I know it’s just another way of being involved in his life, as well as the selfish need to have help in feeling better. I would prefer to talk, and FWIW Facebook messaging would seem inappropriate...I may jusg jusg scuttle away and give it more thought just now !

Wait to talk to your counsellor before doing anything like this.

Talking to them might make you feel worse. For example they might refuse to talk to you, or tell you nothing was wrong when your ex was with them, which you will then use to obsess more about why he was horrible to you specifically.

Please just try to concentrate on your children, and wait until counselling begins before taking any other action.

I would think a) what you would gain b) if it would actually enhance your life in any way.

It doesn't sound like it would, even if you convince yourself you need it for closure.

Pause for thought, anyway.

Thank you for posting....I know things did not end well for any of the relationships, and I know they are friends because of it. I know his previous ex kept a log book of their arguments...she also apparently accused him of something physical in court but apparently got a “warning” from the sheriff. Things are horrific between them now. The one before apparently kept leaving him because she was “mad and strongly opinionated” .
Anyway... defiantly pausing for thought, defiantly do not want to cause them upset, definitely don’t want to cause myself any further upset and definitely won’t do anything right now, I’m just putting the feelers out in the hope of learning from others experience.

A long time ago when I was quite vulnerable following divorce, I met someone who turned out to be abusive. He was violent on one occasion (what he told me) to his ex wife. He was violent towards me but I got out straight away. His ex wife contacted me on fb messenger asking to meet for coffee recently. The relationship was 3 years ago and I don't even think about it now. I didn't reply to her and felt uncomfortable

What do you think you will find out that you don't already know? He has caused you immense damage - why do you want to roll around in this dirt and discover more damage he has done to others? I don't see how this how will help you at all. Please talk to your counsellor.

If you already know what happened in their relationships, then the only reason to try to talk to these women is that you want to get an indirect high via indirect contact with your ex.

Please continue to redirect your thoughts and actions to things that are positive for you.

Your mind and life are not dumping grounds. Do not seek out more and more hurtful, evil pieces of knowledge about this man. Let him be horrible, leave him in the corner of the world and walk away from that corner.

When he or what he did to you start swirling in your mind, do something else.

Refocusing your obsession on his exes is not going to help you. Protect and preserve your mental health - redirect your energy to things that are nourishing and kind.