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Relationships

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Having the cake and eating it

19 replies

sophiaoliviax · 14/04/2018 18:39

Bear with my because this is quite a long and complicated story....
So over the past few weeks, I have started to develop this 'relationship' with a work colleague. There was always an attraction since we first met but nothing other than fancying each other. We hardly spoke or interacted much a work. One night a few weeks ago, I went out for drinks with this guy as well as another colleague. We had a little too much to drink and ended up kissing a few times. This was completely out of character for me because I never imagined I would go there and this guy also has a girlfriend who he has been with for a number of years. The following day, I thought it would be a bit awkward but messaged him to apologise for it happening and really just to find out what he thought of the situation. He didn't seem to think it was much of a big deal but didn't regret what happened, which really confused me but carried out with my weekend as normal. Monday comes around and things are still normal between us. Nothing awkward or odd. A few days later we start messaging each other quite a lot. Practically all day every day even when we are sat a few yards away from each other in the office. Over time the attraction grew and he started to tell me how bad his relationship was. There was a lack of emotional and physical connection between him and his girlfriend but he felt the need to stick around for his daughter which I understood. Eventually, his partner found out that he had been messaging someone, not me but someone so she kicked him out. I spoke to him and it sounded like things were dead in the water and he wouldn't go back there. He moved out and appeared to be moving on with his life. We then started having a physical relationship and our feelings for each other grew deeper. There were times where his ex would get in touch with him and would be quite possessive. Threatening that he would never see his daughter again etc. So it came as a massive surprise when after the Easter bank holiday he met with me and told me that he had met with his ex over the weekend, she had apologised for how she had neglected him and they have decided to try and give things another go. For the sake of his daughter, he wanted to try and make things work. I understood this and accepted his decision. Stupidly we slept together for the last time and as a 'goodbye' (really stupid I know). The next couple of days passed as normal, no contact only at work.
Then for the past week, he has been messaging me being flirty. I have tried not to be flirty back and have tried to build some boundaries. I have spoken to him about how I feel and he seems to feel the same way about me and the feelings are still there. He has said that he can see himself being in a proper relationship with me and he knows he would be happy, but why has he gone back to a woman who treated him badly and was so abusive when they broke up? I am quite frankly a bit heartbroken and I feel that I have fell for this guy in one way or another.
It now feels like he has gone back to her but wants to still flirt with me and keep me around. I am so confused, what do I do?

OP posts:
KateGrey · 14/04/2018 18:41

He sounds like a dick! Personally I wouldn’t go near him.

Joysmum · 14/04/2018 18:45

Do you only have his word for how she was? He’d have to make her out to be purely at fault otherwise he’d have no justification in his own merits nd for being a complete shit who cheats.

Dancingmonkey87 · 14/04/2018 18:48

Are you so gullible that you believed everything he said about his ex? You were the ow and he has played the pair of you. You won’t be the first and you won’t be the last.

Chocolate1984 · 14/04/2018 18:52

He had the perfect opportunity to start a relationship with you & he didn't. That's all you need to know.

i wouldn't bother with him. He is just going to mess you & his wife around. None of his actions suggest he is doing anything for the sake of his daughter.

PrizeOik · 14/04/2018 18:52

It now feels like he has gone back to her but wants to still flirt with me and keep me around.

Yes, it feels like that because that's exactly what is happening.

I am so confused

There is nothing to get confused about. You've just said yourself what he's doing - he's trying to keep you around while also trying again with his partner.

He's been really clear in regards to showing you how character op. This is a guy who thought absolutely nothing of fucking his partner over and then fucking you over. I encourage you to stop ignoring what he is clearly showing you, stop telling yourself you are confused - look at reality since it's plainly staring you in the face.

Or don't , and become the mistress of a guy who sounds pretty pathetic and amoral...

CoolGirlsNeverGetAngry · 14/04/2018 18:54

Don’t touch him with a barge pole Op!
He was messaging someone else as well as you when still with his partner?!

raspberrymoon · 14/04/2018 18:55

I know all you ladies are right. I know what I need to do, it is just good to hear it straight from other people.
With regard to his ex, I have seen the messages and heard the phone calls so I know how far she will take things. I guess I was just being really naive to think anything would develop.

Dancingmonkey87 · 14/04/2018 19:04

I’m guessing you name changed op. Who wouldn’t be pissed off that there long term partner who they share a child with has been messaging and cheating with someone from work.

Adayindisney67 · 14/04/2018 19:19

You are a homewrecker and so is he...
Abusive? No she was hurt! Good luck to the both of you!

rainbowduck · 14/04/2018 19:25

you deserve more than being someone's bit on the side. Don't put up with this treatment.

CharlotteCollinsneeLucas · 14/04/2018 19:28

Maybe she was abusive, maybe she wasn't. Either way, he was still with her when you started messaging him regularly.

That was the time to build your boundaries, but better late than never. Can you avoid him at work?

EweDoEwe · 14/04/2018 19:32

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raspberrymoon · 14/04/2018 19:36

There's no real way of avoiding him as we sit a few yards away from each other in the office. I know I have made mistakes and I have been very naive. I'm just going to take control of the situation rather than being walked all over.

CharlotteCollinsneeLucas · 14/04/2018 23:13

Well done, OP. It won't be easy, but it's the right thing to do. Maybe use OLD as a distraction if that helps?

Sometimeitrains · 15/04/2018 08:25

So you knew he had a girlfriend continued to flirt with him as well as have a drunken fumble. While all of this is going on his girlfriend kicks him out because she finds out hes messaging a completely different woman. Despite knowing that he had a thing with you the mother of his child and another unnamed woman at the same time you pursue a relationship with him. He goes back to the mother of his child and you have sex with him after he tells you thats what hes going to do and then continue to flirt with him .
Is that the gist of it???

Thats not naive thats incredibly stupid and smacks of low self esteem that you would let someone use you like that. Its also incredibly self centered that you would choise to participate in such a circus knowing full well that someone else is being hurt in the process.

Yes hes having his cake and eating huy is probably living out his fantasies having sex on tap with whomever he likes gettin attention left right and centre from women willing to dance to his tune. I suggest you get an STI test.

category12 · 15/04/2018 08:41

It's extraordinary to me that you still wanted him after he got chucked out for messaging someone else and that wasn't you.Confused

Now he wants to continue cheating on his partner with you.

Your self esteem must be really low. Or he has a solid gold cock.

TwentySmackeroos · 15/04/2018 08:45

I read it that the girlfriend knew he was messaging someone, but doesn't know the op is that someone.

category12 · 15/04/2018 08:50

Ohhh.

Sometimeitrains · 15/04/2018 09:15

eventually his partner found out that he had been messaging someone. Not me but someone

^^
I guess you could take it that way actually. I read it as a third person.@TwentySmackeroos

Either way I still think the choices made by op where wrong. Specifically sleeping with him after being told he was going back to his partner and continuing with the messages.
Wrong in terms of ops own self worth and her choice to involve herself in another persons relationship.

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