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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Crush for a Married Coworker while I am Married

18 replies

Wonder1 · 14/04/2018 15:32

I have been in my new job for a little over a year. He was on my interview panel and trained me when I first started. We have a significant amount of overlapping job portfolio. So we've been working together very closely. Even when he works oversees for months, we have scheduled weekly calls to check in for work purpose. I didn't fall for him at the first sight. But as a strong partner for each other at work and with shared interests and adventurous personality, I have been drawn to him more and more. The feelings are probably mutual. But I am trying to hide my subconscious movements around him, like fidgeting, licking my lips, smiling a lot, talking about things we see, do, like and dislike, etc. I also tell myself that anything he does is probably just being nice and showing appreciation and acknowledgement that my work makes his life easier and it has nothing to do with any feelings he might have for me. We both mention about our spouse and her daughter a lot in our conversations. When we are at social events at work, we talk with everyone. But we do end up talking a lot with each other that may have drawn some attention. I am a pretty astute person. If I am just a third person watching us, I will probably detect the chemistry between us as well. I have been telling myself that neither of us is perfect. We might not be able to accept certain things about each other that our spouse does for us if we really get to know each other as our spouse does. Also, I would't want to hurt my husband and I can't see him do that either. He has a young daughter that he loves dearly and he has been very accommodating to his wife's job needs. I will probably relocate for my husband in a couple of years as well. Everything has been professional between us. We live in a small town. People run into each other all the time. It most likely won't be a secret if anything inappropriate happens between us. I also know how bad things can turn into with office relationships. But it is a huge internal struggle for me. I keep wondering if I shall give him a hug when he heads oversees or is going for a marathon. I didn't, but I do want to. Good but sad thing for me is that he is going oversees for another couple of moths, things should get better when we are not physically close. But he is going to be back for good in August. I wonder what I can do to make sure that I would do the right thing for a long run.

OP posts:
Ratarse · 14/04/2018 15:38

Well, if I were you I'd leave and get another job.

Margie32 · 14/04/2018 15:51

Hi Wonder, before you start getting flamed on here I just wanted to say that I understand everything you've said as I am in a similar situation. You can't help how you're feeling and it sounds like you're trying to stop yourself acting on your feelings.

What I've tried to do is invest more time and care into my relationship with my DH, as I figured that I wouldn't have started to have these feelings if I hadn't let things get stale at home. You say that you will probably relocate in a couple of years, which isn't that long in the big scheme of things, especially if your co-worker is absent for big chunks of time.

Have you read about limerence? There are some interesting threads about it on here, it's certainly got a part to play in my situation.

Adayindisney67 · 14/04/2018 16:00

How about back off..
True you can't help your feelings. But he's married with a family what else should we say? Leave your job if it's that bloody difficult. You aren't silly teenagers..
If you love your husband you know you wouldn't be feeling this way. If you don't, do him a favour and be honest with him.
I really don't understand the point to these stupid threads. You're an adult! Act like one.. If not it'll turn into a sorded affair where you become a homewrecker both ways!

ScreamingValenta · 14/04/2018 16:03

I think you should minimise any non-work related communication, especially at social events. Use his forthcoming trip as natural change in your way of interacting - when he comes back, distance yourself. I agree with Margie's advice about working on your relationship with your husband, too.

NoFuckingRoomOnMyBroom · 14/04/2018 19:20

Tbh from what you describe people at work are probably already gossiping-There are people like you where I work & this shit does not go unnoticed Hmm
Get a grip & back off, you're both married & you'd do well to remember that-how would you like it if your husband behaved in this way? Personally I'd be mighty fucked off...
Something will only happen if you make it.

Wonder1 · 14/04/2018 20:25

Hi Margie,

Thank you so much for your reply! I find it very helpful. Yes, in the big scheme of things, this current episode is nothing. I haven't read anything about limerence but will do and will work on my relationship with my husband too.

OP posts:
Wintersnow17 · 15/04/2018 16:42

Hi Wonder1 please don't do anything. My DH and a co- worker had an affair, everybody knew about it, you're right when you say people notice. He didn't even try to sort things out with me , things may have gone a bit stale, but I think we could have made a go of it. Now we are not together and my life is a painful roller coaster. Everyone knows he had an affair and everyone thinks of the OW as a selfish homewrecker, you dont want to be that person. Either sort things out at home or leave , but don't get involved.

Wonder1 · 15/04/2018 23:39

Hi Wintersnow, I am sorry to hear that. Yeah, I won't do it. Postings here have helped me quite a bit, even some of the harsh ones. I needed some shaking up.

OP posts:
Wonder1 · 15/04/2018 23:41

Very true.

OP posts:
TheVanguardSix · 15/04/2018 23:49

The flaming starts quickly!

You're married, yes. That doesn't mean you're blind or immune to attraction to others. I don't think you're acting like silly teenagers at all. It's just one of those 'I'll see you next lifetime' sort of situations.
Don't touch it with a barge pole in this lifetime!
I know, you might think, "Why should I change jobs?" Well, I'd give it some serious consideration. Your feelings for him will increase, not diminish. So I think the best thing would be to remove him from your every day life. Otherwise, you will either suffer with longing or do something that will cause so much pain to so many. It's really not worth it.

How long have you been married and how's that going?

Cricrichan · 16/04/2018 01:40

You have a crush..it happens. You're married and though happy, it's not as exciting as a crush. But even if you both left your spouses and went through the hell of being together after a few years that real would also becoming a bit boring. You will be familiar with all of his annoying habits etc.

If you're happy in your marriage but it's a bit stale look at getting the spark back. Remember what attracted you to each other and make time for fun and date nights.

If you're unhappy then look at why and see if it can be saved. If notyou then.Leave and then think about dating unattached males.

Wonder1 · 17/04/2018 02:42

Thanks for the good advice!

OP posts:
Unsure123123 · 17/04/2018 02:56

Similar to yourself. What I'm doing is spending more time investing in marriage. Less time in contact with colleague and I'm challenging my thoughts.

Keep conversations to a minimum and keep the content work related. Stop thinking about the what it's a start to re-establish your romantic feelings for home.

Unsure123123 · 17/04/2018 02:57

what if's 🙄

Copperbonnet · 17/04/2018 03:22

Find another job.

Sit and imagine how your DH would feel if he read your thread.

Imagine what your Mum or Dad would think of you.

Imagine what your best friend would think of you.

Imagine what you would be doing to his wife and child.

Imagine what your colleagues would think.

There’s a thread running just now (I just lost it with my best friend) about what an MNer thinks of her married friend who is having an affair. Read those posts and imagine it’s your best friends saying those things about you.

Imagine the shame if this thread was posted on an email and shared round your office.

Imagine how mortified he would be.

Get another job.

Hattifattenner · 17/04/2018 04:16

This has happened to me twice.
First - luckily my colleague was gay 😂 but we had chemistry and it was openly commented upon by colleagues and gay colleague. I found it fairly difficult but decided I would just enjoy the friendship. He left, to pursue a different career and I felt bereft. I'm friends with him on Facebook and time apart helped actually.I now don't feel the same about him although I value him as a friend.
Another time, again, a good relationship lots of banter, both married. I could see it heading down the path it did with my gay friend and don't want those feelings of grief back. I made a concerted effort to avoid him. Difficult for the first few weeks and then after 3 or 4 months felt much better. I could see him much more for the fairly irritating person he was rather than building up in my head to be a demi God.

Situp · 17/04/2018 04:50

I have had crushes in work since getting married. It is totally normal. I have never acted on any of them and I find that they pass. One guy I look at now and can not even understand where the crush came from!

I am very lucky in that I have a relationship where I can tell DH about them which takes away a lot of the mystery and excitement.

For me, the reality of marriage is forsaking all others and resisting temptation, not switching off your senses so you are never tempted.

Wintersnow17 · 18/04/2018 20:05

Hi, I wasn't flaming. Just hurt by my partner and his affair with a single woman at work. It's so painful to be on the receiving end. They have both lost the respect of family, friends and colleagues. Now that I am single I will make sure any man I meet is too. Copper bonnet is right, think about others. It will pass, you don't necessarily need to move jobs. X

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