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Original poster

relationship was nearly over last night...

21 replies

juicychops · 12/05/2007 13:52

ive posted on here a few times lately about how i feel like i mentally need to take a step back from my relationship with dp.

we have been together 16 months he has 3 boys who i still haven't met and i have a 2.4 ds. dp stays with me sunday night-wednesday night then at his mum and dads with his kids thursday-sunday. during the weekends when he's with his boys he hardly ever texts me and he doesn't ring at all so its like im dropped each weekend and its really been getting me dowm. ive felt i need to take a step back to protect myself as it seems i think more of our relationship than he does

anyway, last night i had my friend round for dinner. i left my phone to charge and thought i wont text dp until he texts me first cos he's with his boys.
at 10pm he rang my mobile for 2 rings to get my attention and hung up. i noticed my message inbox was full so i deleted a load of messages and about 15 came through that he had sent me from 7.15pm until 10 when he called.

at first they were asking where i was, then they were him getting annoyed because i wasn't replying, and then they started getting so over the top about how ive hurt him so much ignoring him and i never go this long without texting him and our relationship is over.

i explained my messages were full and at first i though he was just saying all this stuff out of anger. but he wansn't.

he at first told me to leave him alone for a few days so i stopped texting him. Then he text a while later he needs to sort this out now. We text eachother the things we arn't happy weith in our relationship and he said we are not compatible and he doesn't see a future with me so he thinks we should end it now. he asked what he should do about his stuff.

i replied saying you dump me by text message dont you dare expect me to sort your stuff out without you having to see me again (or something like that)

he then said he isn't dumping me, we are mutually agreeing to end this relationship

i replied sayin why would i want this. you have absolutely no idea how much i love you my heart is breaking and i have no clud what to do next

we ended up agreeing to give it another go to 'see how it goes'. i know he loves me however im not sure its as much as i love him
i have known and loved him for 5 years even when i was with my ex i still loved him.

with the way i have been feeling lately i have been thinking about if i can actually see us having a future together. i cant say definately yes. but i dont want to believe the answer could be no. I couldn;t face letting him go i have never loved anyone the way i love him and i cant imagine loving anyone else as much either.

today i met him for 10 mins and he gave me a huge hug but i just feel weird about it all now. i dont know what to do

OP posts:
Original poster
juicychops · 12/05/2007 13:53

didn't realise it is sooooooooo long!! sorry in advance

OP posts:
dustystar · 12/05/2007 14:06

No advice but {{{hugs}}}

Carmenere · 12/05/2007 14:14

Hmm, em sorry but it doesn't look good Jucychops. What about pulling back completely and not see him for a couple of weeks to see if he misses you, and indeed if you miss him.

Original poster
juicychops · 12/05/2007 14:20

when he comes round on sunday night we are gunna talk about it,but i just cant possible imagine my life without him. its making me upset just thinking about it now

i really believed he was the love of my life and i would be with him forever. i cant imagine agreeing to go our seperate ways

OP posts:
SenoraPostrophe · 12/05/2007 14:43

blimey, what a big baby.

It's sounds like he's trying to have his cake and eat it: he expects you to keep doing all the running and then gets pissed off when you don't.

hope sunday goes well.

Original poster
juicychops · 12/05/2007 15:20

thanks. i do feel like that is the case but i suppose i just have to wait to see what sunday brings

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PregnantGrrrl · 12/05/2007 15:58

he sounds very emotionally immature to me, and like hard work.

obimomkanobi · 12/05/2007 16:40

Was he drunk? It sounds a bit 'friday-night-tired-and-emotional'-ish!!!

paulaplumpbottom · 12/05/2007 16:42

I think you guys need to discuss this in person without phones

Original poster
juicychops · 12/05/2007 16:53

no he wasn't drunk he doesn't really drink. i think it got to him more because i never not text, it was only cos my mate was round and time went really quick and i thought he was busy with his boys as i didn't think he had text me.

we have been arguing a bit lately and i think this just pushed him over the edge

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Paddlechick666 · 12/05/2007 17:12

so he wants to end the relationship because you didn't reply to his texts?

i can't get my head round this one tbh.

this is the same guy who doesn't want you to meet his kids isn't it?

easier said than done, especially when you love him, but really think you need to take a big step back.

figure out what you want, tell him to figure out what he wants and that should include you being involved with his kids IMO.

sorry if this sounds a bit harsh. believe me, I very much know what it's like to hang on in the hope they'll sort themselves out and recognise a good thing when it's in front of their noses!

i still don't get his justification for ending it by text because you didn't reply for a few hours - he seems very insecure to me. would rather walk away on his own instigation than think you'd end it first iyswim.

hope you get an outcome that makes you both happy and secure.

Original poster
juicychops · 12/05/2007 17:52

it doesn't sound harsh at all i have thought it all out in my head already. he is very insecure as he has been hurt in the past. and i have also been badly hurt in the past so i have not much confidence in him either at the moment while he is being like this.

your right in what your saying about taking a giant step back to figure what i want and he does have to do the same

it makes me think maybe he has felt like this for a long while and thats why i haven't met his kids because he doesnt know if its gunna last or not

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Paddlechick666 · 12/05/2007 18:04

sounds like he's doing a crap job of trying to protect himself from being hurt again and hurting you in the process.

pushing you away then he can fall back into the victim role of being left - without having to take responsibility for his own part in that.

sorry to hear that you've been hurt too and that has affected your confidence.

i think you have to take the bull by the horns and challenge him to take the next step and commit to you. make it clear how comitted you are to him.

if he still walks then in all honesty you're be better off in the long run.

Original poster
juicychops · 12/05/2007 18:20

if i am totally honest with myself, i feel that i would be better off without him. I think in a lot of ways we arn't compatable and things are not as good as they used to be. i think i would be better off on my own for now and sort my life out.

however, i love him so so much and just cant bring myself to leave him. although i cant see things working out long term the way they are at the moment, i also cant see myself without the man i love so much. although we have been having problems, they arn't major ones, but they seem worse as we are both so insecure and scared of getting hurt again. he is still my best friend and i cant imagine not loving him the way i do.

where as my ex cheated, was mentally and physically abusive,and just a nasty evil person so it was easy to hate him. but my dp apart from start to do things that are getting on my nerves, he hasn't done anything wrong to make me hate him or dislike him or anything to change my feelings.

i just feel so sad

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Anniegetyourgun · 13/05/2007 09:34

Sounds a teensy bit controlling to me (natural in a person who feels insecure). He doesn't feel the need to keep in touch with you, but expects you to be at the end of the phone as soon as he calls. Then when you let him down by putting your telephone on charge (!), even knowing you were safe at home, he goes into a major strop with the "this relationship is over" line - god, that takes me back - you weep and wail and apologise, great stuff, he can be all magnanimous and "see how it goes", then that's you on eggshells for the next however many years leaping at the phone so as never to miss a call from him. It's emotional blackmail. He knows you love him to distraction or he wouldn't risk playing such a stupid game.

Mind you I'm a bit biased as my STBXH used to do that to me regularly. Eventually one day in reply to "this marriage is over" I said OK then, so be it - gave him the shock of his life, but too late. Unlike him, I meant it. Of course then he wouldn't hear of splitting up, but that's a whole new thread for another time...

warthog · 13/05/2007 10:27

juicychops, if you can't see a future with this man you need to find the strength to end it. before you have kids. i know it's very, very hard because i have been there. but i don't regret it for a second because i met my dh.

Original poster
juicychops · 13/05/2007 12:34

i know what your saying, ive just not got the strength to do it at the moment. but the kids thing is not an issue as i dont want to have any more with dp or anyone else ever

im feeling really down in myself lately anyway, partly because of our problems, and partly the stresses and strains of life and my ds so it doesn't help really

OP posts:
mamazon · 13/05/2007 12:38

sorry but why are you trying to sort out a relationship by text?

you cannot possibly explain the feelings you have via text message and any attempts to do so would more than likely inflame the situation becaue all context is lost.

i think you need to actaully talk to him ( you know, face to face) and discuss the issues you both have.

Original poster
juicychops · 13/05/2007 12:44

we will. we are going to talk tonight. he has been with his boys at his dads all weekend so i haven't seen him apart from 10 mins on sat morning so we haven't had the opportunity to talk since then. he couldn't ring me friday night as it was quite late and he would of woke his boys up

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mamazon · 13/05/2007 12:47

they must have been incredibly light sleepers if a telephone conversation would wake them.

I can understand him not wanting to introduce you to his children until he is certain of the relationship but i would be uncomfortable with having no contact at all over the days he is away.

Original poster
juicychops · 13/05/2007 12:55

his eldest who is 13 doesn't fall asleep until about 2am and he follows him around when he uses his phone thats why he doesn't ring me ever when he is with his boys. but i hate him not texting me either. I cant see any reason why he cant text every few hours just to say hello. He doesn't like it if i dont. But then i always have so if i suddenly stopped he would wonder what was wrong

plus we have free texts at the weekends

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