Older sister problems.

[Ophelialovescats]

My sister and I are in our mid fifties . We were never close growing up as my sister, bring the oldest , was treated differently by our parents. (favoured , considered to be the cleverest,etc)
It never bothered me as I have two younger sisters and we are close.
Recently my father became ill (my mother died 3 years ago) and my older sister set up a Messager thread to discuss his care. She is very controlling and dismissive of our opinions,while leaving the bulk of the care to our younger sisters.
However, she completely ignores me on this thread . I have no idea why as she set it up and included me n the first place. It is very hurtful but I can deal with her dismissivness as I live away .
However, I am dreading having to see her at a family wedding soon. Any advice on how to proceed?
Should I avoid her altogether or just politely say hello and move on ?
Her husband is very politely distant during events like this . I am used to their behaviour (lack of wanting a relationship with me ) and would be happy to be low or no contact but I would miss seeing their sons.
Any advice greatly appreciated as I am dreading this trip .
(my younger sisters are afraid of her and as very deferential in her presence)

It must be really difficult for you (all) having a sister like that.
I can't imagine. I have younger sister and though I was jealous
Of her when we were younger from 18 Thirty odd years later I simply love her too bits.
But in your position because of your nephews, I'd be bright and breezy - 'hello sis . How you doing - smile , not really waiting for an answer id be straight into 'and how's my lovely nephews' etc etc.
They are lucky to have you.

Thank you Robin. That's what I shall do. I guess I need to get over her. She hates/ dislikes me for some reason .I have no idea why. I am always perfectly pleasant . She deleted me as a friend on fb too, but only I realised it recently as I rarely go on it!
I worry she will turn my nephews against me too and that when my father dies I will never see them again.

How old are your nephews? Do you have your own relationship with them or is it via their parents?

They are early teens. Not much of a relationship really, as we rarely see them.
I have one daughter who is the same age as the youngest . I hope they manage to have a chat at this wedding but, I can't expect much as they don't really know each other.

I suspect it's because you are NOT deferential to her. She doesn't want you to be friendly and civil, she wants you to be obedient and deferential, and ignoring you until you learn your place is likely her method of trying to get to you.

Just imagine her internal seething at you not learning your lesson, have a little laugh to yourself at the 'anguish' it must cause her to not have you jump to immediate obedience and let it go. It's her loss!!!

I've found that once DCs get older, leave school and are off doing their own thing, friendships with cousins has dwindled. And once in full time work or with young families there really isn't the time. So the happy family future you are hoping for the DCs probably won't happen. Not unless they turn out to be neighbours or work mates as adults.
So my point is that you are possibly putting too much importance on the relationship with nephews.

What an interesting and apt take on the situation.
My younger sister literally kowtows to her ....picks up her boys , has them overnight,etc and gets no thanks at all.

I suspect that she is recreating the dysfunction of her own childhood. The Golden Child role is never without price.

My nephews may well visit us when they are older as we live near London, if she doesn't turn them against me. They know they are welcome.(I have invited them as a family many times) .
I guess I just need to withdraw from us and not let it get to me.