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Relationships

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Original poster

Does not fancying my husband mean it's over?

24 replies

bippityboppityboop · 13/04/2018 22:31

As it says really.

It's been a long while. He's great in every other way. I mean he's annoying like typical man stuff but so am I. He's a great dad and husband, and gives it his all at work too.

I don't want it to mean it's over but we've been very rocky lately and we've not so much as touched each other in 2 weeks now and I don't want to either.

OP posts:

dirtybadger · 13/04/2018 22:44

How long have you felt like this? How long have you been together? Is there a reason you are aware of? Did something specific precede this? Do you still enjoy his company? Do you have any sexual desire for other people/still have a libido? Are you active and well- physically and mentally?

pinkginanyone · 13/04/2018 22:46

Two weeks? It’s a dry patch, you’ll get over it. I was expecting you to say it’s been months!

Original poster

bippityboppityboop · 13/04/2018 22:48

Oh this has been going on ages, just the actually him not touching me too has been 2 weeks.

OP posts:

Original poster

bippityboppityboop · 13/04/2018 22:50

When we were first together we were affectionate a lot and we've had 3 children in 5 years so drifted apart with the demands of them and also I've bf and coslept with them all (which he's never contested).

I started to drift off from the affection when we couldn't hug without him getting turned on then telling me he was turned on. He does it nearly every time and I want to punch him. I just want to have a cuddle but I can't because he acts like he's 12.

OP posts:

Original poster

bippityboppityboop · 13/04/2018 22:51

Er maybe not 12 that's be a bit weird ignore that haha

OP posts:

TroubledLichen · 13/04/2018 22:53

So he gets a stiffy every time he gives you a hug and has to announce it as well?! In that case I don’t blame you for not feeling the urge every time he opens his arms... (if this is actually for real)

Okaynowimconfused · 13/04/2018 22:57

Sometimes DP and I go through phases where we just aren't "in love". We get on but there is zero lust and we irritate one another. Then we fall back into place.

I hate that we're like that tbh. I wish we were always the same...

Perhaps this is just a short phase for you? And you definitely need to talk about hugging constantly leading to other things as that's not on!

Original poster

bippityboppityboop · 13/04/2018 23:01

Sadly Troubled, it is very much for real lol.

We've talked about this issue A LOT over the years and he says 'I don't do that any more' and he does it again! It is such a turn off affectionate wise and sex wise!

Even if he doesn't announce it, after so long of having a cuddle he will take it that I want something and try it on anyway.

Why can't a cuddle just be a cuddle. Is that actually unreasonable?

OP posts:

SandyY2K · 13/04/2018 23:58

Perhaps he's feeling neglected/rejected with you having to devote a lot of time on the kids.... and if you don't fancy him why are you bothered that he's not touching you.

Relationships require effort from both parties to thrive... if he now views you as just the mother of his children and not a partner to share intimacy with .. the relationship will only go one way.

You'll both be miserable and neither will leave because of finances and other reasons/excuses.

Try and schedule some time just for the two of you. Get a babysitter and remember you're a couple...not just parents.

QuentinSummers · 14/04/2018 00:03

Sounds pretty normal with 3 children tbh!
I'm kinda out the other side of the same thing and our sex life is great now.
So I wouldn't say it's over. He needs to stop pressuring you though

BitOutOfPractice · 14/04/2018 00:18

He sounds like he's feeling pretty rejected too and has withdrawn. Have you talked to him about this properly?

BuffyBee · 14/04/2018 00:30

I know what you mean about the cuddle always having to be sexual. It is very annoying!
But instead of being pissed off all the time. Think of it this way, he's showing how much he still fancies you. Which is good! And if it's been weeks! He will be "hair trigger", if you get my meaning.
If you don't want to bother with the whole palaver at the minute, why not give him a bit of a hand. It'll take 5 mins, he'll be over the moon and you get your cuddle.
Then tell him that's it for a couple more weeks! Happy days!

undercoveragent · 14/04/2018 00:38

This pretty accurately describes my dh too. A cuddle could never be a cuddle without him expecting more. Such a turn off. And I really don't want to give him a wank in order to get a cuddle

Just waiting for exams to be over and then we'll be separating. Can't wait.

Original poster

bippityboppityboop · 14/04/2018 08:14

Buffy, I dont even know where to start with what you just wrote

OP posts:

BitOutOfPractice · 14/04/2018 09:24

OP I read that last night and had the same reaction. Hello, the 1950s is on the phone, they want their values back. Basically it's all your fault for being uptight and giving him a wank will solve all this poor downtrodden man's problems. Unbelievable!

Obviously, ignore it!

IsItWorthItIDontKnow · 14/04/2018 10:27

That’s a pretty normal reaction for a healthy DH who still fancies his wife - much as you find it annoying i think it would be more worrying if it didnt happen (read some of the many threads of DWs who wish their men still fancied them).

If you really cant bare it talk to him tactfully about it as if you reject him too often he’ll start wondering what the reason is and may eventually give up - you could end up in a negative spiral of neither of you touching each other which is not great in a relationship imo (Ive been through this). Talk to him and take some of the advice on here with a pinch of salt , its often black and white (or just wrong imo!) good luck.

Echo2 · 14/04/2018 10:34

My dh was like this, everything had to lead to sex, which can be viewed positively as pp said, ( be thankful he still fancies me ) only problem I had was when I said no, I’d get a mouth full of abuse & accusations of having an affair. Be thankful you’re not getting that.
Of course in the end I hated the sight of dh, he couldn’t understand why?

Namelesswonder · 14/04/2018 10:42

That kind-of happened with me - I felt ‘touched out’ by the children and just didn’t want anyone else touching me or making physical demands on me. DH was constantly horny as a result and tried it on at the slightest encouragement - a cuddle, a smile! As the DC got older and less demanding and I got more sleep and the issue resolved itself. Hang in there.

mindutopia · 14/04/2018 10:47

3 kids in 5 years is a tremendous hit to any relationship. It really wasn’t until our oldest was 3 that we got any semblance of normal in our relationship again (we didn’t have a 2nd until she was 5). We also stopped co-sleeping around that time. It sounds like you haven’t had that respite yet. So yes, I do think it’s completely normal with small children and if you otherwise have a good, loving, supportive relationship, you can get it back if you want to. But for us, dc needed to be a bit older and more independent and we needed more sleep and privacy and adult time first to sort of get back to where we were. Can you create more of that? Or is there a time in the future when you can? As cliche as it sounds, date nights and nights/weekends away helped us, though realistically that’s easier with 1 dc than 3 so I know that might be tough.

NataliaOsipova · 14/04/2018 10:47

Ok - you don't like Buffy's suggestion. Which is entirely fair enough. But it's not a question of 1950s values. Put crassly, you want a sexless marriage....and it sounds like your DH really doesn't. So something will probably have to give. So does it sound to me like it's over? On that basis, it does. If you don't want it to be over, then you need to think hard and honestly about the sex issue and about what it is you really want. Should you do it if you don't want to? No, you shouldn't. But should your DH want to stay in a marriage without an element which is really important to him? He probably shouldn't either.

Why can't a cuddle just be a cuddle? Crassly, because in your case, your DH is desperate for sex! That doesn't mean you're obligated to provide that sex - and nor should you if you don't want to. But your expectation of the normal, casual intimacy that you get in a happy marriage is then a bit unreasonable if you've cut off the physical intimacy that tends to go with that.

IsItWorthItIDontKnow · 14/04/2018 10:51

Echo sorry to hear that. OP talk to him, being repeatedly rejected without knowing why is not great and eventually you stop trying for fear of being rejected and all kinds of thoughts go through your head - an honest (even painful) conversation would be preferable imo.

As I said it’s goodhe still fancies you and if he’s a decent DH he should understand how you feel if you’re honest about it and don’t throw him off the scent by making excuses up. If you really don’t want to be with him don’t keep him hanging around in limbo wondering what he’s done wrong.

ificouldwritealettertome · 14/04/2018 10:57

I just thought I'd throw our scenario in as an extra perspective! My DH is very reserved and respectful, after our first baby he was very reluctant to touch me in any sexual way (he was scared of hurting me and wanted me to be ready). We had a lot of cuddles and kissing but eventually I thought he must have gone off me because my body changed so much. I then stopped fancying myself because I thought I was enormous and ugly, so I never instigated anything either. Which led to him thinking I had gone off him! After a few months of less-than-regular sex I confided in a girlfriend who told me to tell him how desperate I was for some more physical attention. He was so taken aback that I still fancied him we had sex three times that night and it was great.

We are stupid- don't do what we did, talk to each other. Have you lost your love of sex with him or the idea of him having sex with you? If that makes sense. As in- I am very keen to resume our physical relationship but the way my body has changed has impacted on my self confidence and affects the way I approach sex.

If it is you, no your marriage isn't over. If it is him then (I'm sorry but I have been here before) sometimes it can signal the beginning of the end.

If however the turn off is him announcing his erections, which I totally understand, then tell him a discrete re-adjust is all that is necessary for you to be aware and your reluctance to engage should be enough for him to back off!

winniestone37 · 16/04/2018 21:23

@undercoveragent you're leaving him after kid's exams becuase he wants sex afterca cuddle and can't leave it there? Ermmmm

winniestone37 · 16/04/2018 21:25

My dp always announces them, I assume he does it in case I notice. People aren't perfect.

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