Relationship advice needed! Commitment?

[MummummummumMUMMM]

Hi 👋 I’m new to here and hope you are all well. I’m after some impartial unbiased advise to something I’ve been going out of my mind with confusion over and hope you lovely people can help, so here goes...

Me and my boyfriend have been together for 3 years, I have 2 children from a previous relationship, of which he was aware of when we met. He pursued me despite me trying to push him away he eventually won me over. Now the problem I have is that although we go on holiday abroad near every year, that is about as committed as we have gotten, we were suppose to purchase our first house together last year (I live with the kids and he lives with parents) but he got impatient about waiting to save up a deposit and go in the same amount together and decided to get a mortgage with his parents on a new house. He then tried to tell me that if I move in then I’m not allowed to bring my stuff with me as he would have his own, which threw me a bit. Then he had a wobbly and ended the relationship for a day or 2 as he said he was bored and despite me having 2 young at the time children, we didn’t go out and do things after a certain time, then we decided to try and do more as a family unit, but it’s never happened because he’s developed a bit of a gaming addiction, after a year of that I banned him from bringing the laptop to my house when he came to see me as it was like talking to a brick wall and he didn’t pay any attention to me or what I was saying, I was around his house helping him do some repairs etc before he moved it and he casually announced that when he lives there his friend will be coming to stay a while to get away from his parents a bit 🙄 so the problem I now have is that I thought after 3 years we would at least be living together and thinking about marriage but he feels it’s too soon for any of that and “normal people” don’t do things that quick, am I being incorrect in thinking that we should at least have some form of commitment by now or am I just wasting my time on someone who is never going to commit? He does have some controlling aspects of his personality but I’ve always put his reluctance to live together down to his age(I’m 28 and he’s 25) he don’t want marriage for at least another 5 years and a baby in 10 which would make me 38, I’ve told him I don’t want kids after the age of 30 but his reply was I will put a baby in you whenever I want to, he laughed so I’m unsure whether he was joking or not, I don’t know if I’ve invested too much time in a relationship that is going nowhere or if we’re actually on track and I’m expecting too much from him, so any advice would be great fully received, thank you

Oh also we bought a dog 2 years ago together but he has took him to live with him for the past year as he felt that me walking him at 9am after the school run wasn’t early enough and that he needed to be walked around 6am to get into routine, now I see my dog when I see my boyfriend if he brings him up, and at weekends when my boyfriend stays over

His approach seems fine....for someone else. But you are a few years older than him, and ready to settle down. He obviously isnt. Youre gambling that he will ever be ready.

Ive been with my DP the same time as you. He is the same age as yours too (Im older, also). We are saving for a house so will be living together in 12-24 months hopefully. But we have taken it slow by most peoples standards, I think. To be honest if at this stage DP was saying he wasnt sure about living together, I would be cutting my losses- because I dont want to see him once a week or fortnight forever.

Im a bit confused as to why, if he wantes to live with you, he didnt move in to where you live? I understand him wanting to buy a house and not "wait around" for you- but it sounds like it will be very much "his" house despite you and DC living there. He doesnt sound like he will be very tolerant of decorating rooms for them, etc.

He's just not that into you.

And that "put a baby into you" comment made my skin crawl.

Basically at best he sounds like a child.

Thank you for your reply. I did initially say about living here but he said there wasn’t enough room for his stuff 🙄 he comes up most days for a few hours after work, but no as for decorating he’s having cream walls the whole way through the bedrooms, no wallpaper, no colour. I’m not even allowed to hang Christmas lights up come Christmas time, his family just do the tree, no other decorations lol, I’m starting to consider just cutting my losses because I don’t really want to spend more than the 3 years with the wrong person who isn’t at the point I am yet, being on the same page so to speak. But at the same time I don’t want to throw away the last 3 years we’ve had together, I’ve tried to ask him if he sees us as having a future together but he said that’s a long time away and I will miss the now by not living in the moment as he don’t know now what he’s doing tomorrow let alone next month, and at a push said he wants us to have a life, but that was when he thought I was backing out of things, so confusing

Belabeech yes it did me too, he is quite immature for his age and does still rely on his parents for everything, it’s at a point his mum is always begging me to take him, and constantly saying she don’t know how I put up with him

Oh, wow, his response about a future; yeah, Im sorry, but he is just not that into you. He sounds like a bit of a waste of space though to be honest.

Sunk cost fallacy. Its not a waste of 3 years. Im sure you had a nice time. But the nice time is over now. Why waste another 3 years? Youre still young enough that if you want more DC, etc, you wont be rushed with someone new. Wait another 3 years and things will get tighter.
Who wants to live in a house they cant even paint a wall in ffs?

I think I’ve already reached that conclusion tbh lol I wasn’t willing to give up everything I had in order to take that risk after we split the last time, might of only been a few days but it reset the security and trust I had in our relationship. Thank you for taking the time to reply, it has helped 😁

I don't think he's likely to change any time soon, and he may never be able to be the person you and your DC's need him to be.

That's ok, it just means that this isn't for you. You haven't wasted three years, you've had three years of experience figuring out what you do and don't want from a relationship.

He’s just not right for you. He wants to be a teenager still, which would be fine if you didn’t want more. You already have children, you’re a grown up and he isn’t. He won’t get up to speed in the time you need him to. Honestly - cut your losses and find an actual adult who’s on the same page as you.

Thank you both

He is future faking you. If or when he does commit - it won't be to you as he's just not that into you and tbh he is making that very obvious.

What's 3 years in a lifetime anyway? Better to leave now and holdout for what you do want, than be a casual or a placeholder. There lies the road to despair

Controlling tendencies, gaming addiction, even his mum wonders why you put up with him? (She's not joking). Why are you? You need to set the bar higher in relationships. Throw this fish back, he stinks.