How can I be happier without leaving

[dietstartsagaintomorrow]

I've fallen out of love with my husband and don't know what to do 😕
He has never been particularly affectionate or thoughtful but over the last 3-4 years it has got worse.
I asked to go to couples counselling around 18 months ago which he did but we had to stop as nothing she ever suggested ever happened / worked.
I have low self esteem over the weight I put on since having my sons (7 & 10). We rarely have sex (once every few months) and he never pays me a compliment or makes me feel special.
We don't have family nearby and even if we get a babysitter I feel like we are just doing something together as 2 people , not as a couple.
So many of my friends have seen how unhappy I am and while they're not actively encouraging me to leave, they have said I deserve better.
Another complication is our youngest who is autistic. My husband just doesn't get it and never adjusts his behaviour to help reduce the chance of meltdowns. I worry for my boys emotional well-being if we split up. They rarely see us argue but I don't think they see us as happy.
I'd like to feel better about myself and be happier for my boys. My husband says he will help me to lose weight or pay me more attention but nothing ever changes.
I don't think I'm brave enough to leave (not sure how I would manage financially) but I don't know how I can carry on like this.

So, the reason you've ruled out leaving is because you don't know if you could manage financially. I understand that worry but I think you should tell your husband you are splitting up. if you need to be on benefits for a while to make things work then cut accept that as part of the transition. Don't waste more years.

Sorry to hear this. You really sound like you'd be better off apart. Yes it's hard at first but in the long run you can be happier and live the life you deserve.

Sorry , I think my ramblings haven't been the clearest. Finances are an issue but so is the well being of my boys (to them everything is fine at the moment, I don't think they realise how unhappy I am). My family would not be very supportive (religious / marriages are to be worked at not given up on). We moved to an expensive area/ decent school a few years ago that I would not be able to afford on my own.
I don't want to leave - I just don't know how long I can carry on as I am. I'd love for us to fall back in love , for me to feel happier in my own skin and for us to have a more intimate caring relationship. My husband says he cares for me but he knows all these things and nothing changes.

Something that stuck with me when I was having individual counselling regarding leaving my marriage, when I had similar thoughts to you:

‘Why are you asking how to make your box a little bigger, rather than how do I get out of this box?’

Make yourself happy. Loose weight for yourself and maybe if you feel better in yourself things will get better. Set a time scale and goals and if it doesn’t work leave.

I think I get what you mean rainboho - the trouble is there are lots of things that my 'box' is good at ! He works hard to keep us financially stable , is fantastic at the practical things and let's me have a moan when I'm feeling down. I'd just like to feel like someone thinks I'm special even if I don't think it about myself. Interested to hear about your counselling - never thought of going individually as I felt it was a joint issue.

I've tried losing weight zeze - 9 months on slimming world then 3 months with a personal trainer. I'd lose 4-5 pounds then put it on again. Emotional eating is my downfall and my husband is naturally slim (work is very physical) and never puts on weight. He says he's happy however I look so often sabotages any diet I try.

You can absolutely have individual counselling.

I would also say that the box is not your DH, but your situation. Individual counselling helped me to leave, but that doesn’t mean it’s the right answer for you. Good luck!

@dietstartsagaintomorrow, I have been in a somewhat similar situation to you. For several years while my dcs were very small I had pnd, compounded by grief that my Dm had died. Dh was at the top of his game physically and career wise, while I was barely getting through each day.
He gave me no quarter during that time. In fact I felt he didn’t even like me that much.
What turned it round for me is a gorgeous young bloke at work who was just so kind to me and saw my good qualities when I had forgotten them myself. When I saw myself through his eyes I woke up a bit and really turned a corner. I thought it was professional regard but later realised it was prob a crush! Nothing ever happened, we never even flirted, he just came along at the right time and helped remind me I was ok. I really saw them how short my marriage was falling. I got more independent emotionally and did stuff with friends which helped. Later the table were turned somewhat, DH had a couple of years of poor health and serious career setbacks that bought him quite low. It evened things up and we are in a better place now.
If you do want to stay, remember marriages go through seasons. Work on getting as independent as you can, get a regular exercise regime and try for a permanent change in the way you eat rather than dieting.i have seen people get great results with paleo and cross fit.
Best of luck and sorry for the novel

Thankyou

Wow Maggie - I think you've hit the nail on the head. My dm died 4 years ago - she was always the one I turned to if I ever needed a pick me up or help affirming if my choices were right. Just prior to this I also had a colleague who was flirtatious with me. When mum passed I felt so guilty for this non-existent betrayal that I severed contact with him. I also tried turning to my husband for emotional support but it wasn't forthcoming. I already live quite an independent life - 2 clubs a week plus social events with friends. I definitely feel like the fat friend though and need to find a permanent solution to my weight problem.

What do you get out of your relationship with your H now?. What is in this still for you?. If you do not ultimately dig yourself out of the hole he has dug for you, your life will be one of regret for the rest of your days.

Your reasons for staying with him are to be frank really poor ones and likely stemming from your own fear of the unknown but are still not good enough reasons for staying with him.

I would seek legal advice for your own self asap as knowledge is also power. You are married to this man and are not completely powerless here financially either; do not let your own lack of information re financial matters actually make you think that you could not manage financially.

Consider having counselling on your own now (it was a waste of time ever going with him in the first place because such entitled men never believe they have done wrong) to get your thoughts in better order.

If you really do want to feel better about yourself and your kids then you will need to separate from their dad; he can still be a parent to them after you separate and he should be. Your parents are not married to him and their views re marriage has to be worked on are just plain and simply wrong; marriage should not be such hard work honestly and yours is now loveless. Their crap mindset also keeps you within a miserable marriage.

What do you want to teach your children about relationships and just what are they learning here from you two?. You are currently teaching your kids that a loveless marriage will be their norm as well, is that what you want for them?. A nice house and material things count for absolutely nothing if their parents relationship is loveless.
Your own relationship with your kids as adults could well be affected if you choose to stay with their dad, they could well call you daft for staying with him and accuse you of putting him before them.

Your children know that something is badly amiss between their mother and father, do not kid yourself otherwise that they do not. They are perceptive and pick up on all the vibes and antipathy you both show towards each other. You cannot fully protect them from the breakdown of your marriage; they know.

Thankyou Attila - your honesty as an outsider is really appreciated. I've had similar snippets from friends but never had the guts to act on anything. My insecurities about myself are impacting on my choice to leave - I don't want to feel a failure or be seen as a failure to people who matter to me. I do need to seek financial advice - while my income is not high I do have money which is due to me in a few years time so would only need to manage for a short while.

I am sorry to read about your late mother; did you ever have counselling or talk to anyone after her death?. Would your mother want you to remain with your H now even though you are so unhappy within it?.

It is likely that a lack of emotional support from your H and your unhappiness in your marriage are contributory factors (amongst others like your childhood experiences and parental attitudes) re your overall self worth and weight as well.

I was having counselling around the time she passed away as I wasn't coping well with her illness (she died of cancer) and had become a bit of an emotional wreck. She adored my husband and often often told me how lucky I was. I think this is definitely influencing my choices.

Hi diet,

Do address your insecurities; get a proper handle on them and break them down. I do not know you but you write well and you are most certainly not and have never been a bloody failure!!. You will only so call "fail" your own self if you do not leave your loveless marriage; who are you staying for in that case?. You are not staying for you, you're staying out of some spurious reasons stemming from a lack of knowledge and information.

As mentioned before your kids won't thank you for staying with their dad and they know more than either of you care to admit about the state of your marriage.

Please for the love of all that is good and holy do NOT wait a few more years for money that is due to you. All that will do is further lower your already low self esteem and delay the break up. Rip the plaster off, delaying the end will not do you any good at all.

Do not become a further shadow of your own self. There is never a good time to leave and there is always some reason that stops you from leaving; in a few years time you could be saying to yourself that you cannot leave because of your own fear and insecurities re the unknown, their exams, Christmas is coming up, your family of origin and or them going to secondary school. Your kids would rather see you as their mother now happier than to be together with their dad and utterly miserable in the process. They must not learn from either of you that a loveless marriage will be their norm too; that is really no legacy to leave your kids. They and you deserve better frankly.

We learn about relationships first and foremost from our parents so what did yours teach you?. There may be some stuff there that will have to be unlearnt.

Was your late mother at all like your H in terms of personality?. Why did she like him so?. She after all was not married to him and her perceptions could have been biased; she only saw his good side after all or even perhaps what she wanted to see. Even she as your mother would hopefully not want you to remain married to a man who you no longer love.

Thanyou - your message has brought me to tears (and I'm lying in bed next to dh but he hasnt noticed.... ) but it is exactly what I needed to hear. There are lots of excuses I could keep making but I do need to do this. Fingers crossed I will be brave enough to make a plan when I wake up tomorrow

You are not a failure by any stretch of the imagination and you are not as powerless either as you think you are. Use the support of here and your friends to galvanise you further into action and come up with a plan.

My parents were devoted to each other and I never once heard them complain about the other. They were both very old school when it came to marriage vows. Dad was very business minded while mum was a sahm. I think she was impressed that my husband shares things equally at home with me - housework / cooking / childcare. Something which was alien to her. He is also very laid back and always managed well with the emotional rollercoaster that I can be. She always said I did well to find someone who would put up with me 😕

diet

Did not mean to make you cry but am glad to be of some help to you here. Do keep posting on your thread as and when needed.

diet

re your comment:-
"She always said I did well to find someone who would put up with me"

What an insulting thing to say about you as her daughter. That sort of comment as well made by your parent, even as a mere aside, can be and is very damaging and can lead to all sorts of insecurities. I would address such remarks though counselling as well.

Sending you strength diet, and so sorry to hear about you dm. Four years is not long (heck my Dm died 10 years ago and it still feels like yesterday some days) Ironically it was my dh’s almost wilful refusal to support me through that time that made me stop depending on him and find my feet. Once Dm died he was all I had, but he offered no support so I had to become v strong for myself. It was a blessing in disguise as now I know I could make it without him.
You need to refind yourself, I do wonder if because of low self esteem you are underestimating your own power to act. And you are NOT the fat friend, you are diet and your mates love you for that, not for your size.

Also diet, it was mumsnet that put the icing on the cake for me really, I am a different person since finding this site. Can see things much more clearly due to wisdom on here