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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

emotional unavailability - is this a good idea?

27 replies

mussel · 13/04/2018 11:28

I recently had a brief and tumultuous 'thing' with a guy i've known online and liked as a friend for a couple of years. All of a sudden to my surprise he suddenly ramped things up, claiming he'd always wanted to meet me but i'd never taken the hint. I hadn't, because he always acted so casual/not bothered about me. When I pointed this out to him he was like 'nahhh dont be silly I've always been interested in you'. Fair enough, so we embarked on what we both claimed was 'a bit of fun', see how we liked each other. But, I was a bit taken aback by how swiftly things moved. He was a bit confusing to me, on the one hand being very sort of casual and dismissive but then within weeks suggesting we move in together. I found it really difficult to respond to - I'm the adventurous type, but moving in!? So I tried to move sensibly and in the end I found that whatever I seemed to say made him angry and in a fit of temper I told him never to speak to me again as I felt i didn't deserve to be treated with disrespect.

Since, I've read about 'emotional unavailability' and I think we are both guilty of it, but him especially. He had a very bad childhood which he tried to tell me about. Since researching, I now see exactly why my responses upset him so much. I don't blame myself too hard, because I'm not a trained psychologist and have my own 'EU' issues too, so we were bound to clash. :(

We live hours apart and are currently NC. The dude has issues, and I have no desire to get into some abusive relationship - too old for that sh*t. I know the only person who can help him is himself, and that i can't change him. I'm going to address my own issues and assess my own past behaviour. But what I'd like to do is apologise for upsetting him so much. He, frankly, has a very sad and lonely life due to pushing everyone away with the EU, he obviously liked and respected me enough to pull me in and tell me things and unfortunately I fear I have only deepened the issue - I honestly worry about suicide with him although he assured me a few times what he'd said was 'all talk'.

I want to write him a letter explaining that I'm sorry for mishandling things. I tried making up via email before but I still wasnt clued up about EU and screwed it up, just getting into an argument. A letter doesn't give the opportunity for that. I just think it MIGHT give him a little bit of comfort? On the one hand the feminist in me thinks 'fuck it, he was quite nasty sometimes and you dont need that in your life or owe him anything' but another part of me thinks if everyone just gives up on him....its just not very nice, is it? someone should make an effort to understand/help? sorry for rambling....

OP posts:

Shoxfordian · 13/04/2018 11:32

Just leave it
I don't think you're the person to help him

BitchQueen90 · 13/04/2018 11:59

Just leave it. In the nicest possible way he's an adult. He's not your responsibility. Don't get into the trap of thinking you can "save" him.

Adora10 · 13/04/2018 12:34

The guy was a nasty fucker to you, regardless of his sad childhood, that old chestnut crap.

Leave him alone, why are you even bothered when he clearly doesn't give a hoot about your feelings.

Isetan · 13/04/2018 13:03

He played you from the start with his mind fuckery and thankfully you put an end to it before he really messed you up. Stop making excuses to get into contact with someone who treated you appallingly,

Even if you are correct with your armchair diagnosis, you aren’t equipped with the skills to make a difference.

Isetan · 13/04/2018 13:03

You’re not his therapist.

bonnyshide · 13/04/2018 13:08

If writing a letter will help you get closure and move on then do it, this still seems to be bothering you and I think writing the letter would help (you could always choose not to send it)

something2say · 13/04/2018 13:12

.....and beware it doesn't just linger on in randomly sent and replies to emails, which just serve to keep it alive.

You know, I think there was a possibility, and you've been friends a long time, but going further into it revealed that it was no good. Which is a shame.

Have a good think but it doesn't sound like it will go anywhere worth going, so be careful you don't waste loads of time on it. As for him, well I hope he isn't analyzing it this much room, concluding that yes he does need some help x which is not your job. No greater turn off than a man hanging off your tits x

AttilaTheMeerkat · 13/04/2018 13:17

You cannot act as a rescuer or saviour in any relationship so why are you trying to be both here re this person?. What needs of yours does this person meet here?.

He does not want your help or support either; not that you are at all qualified to be doling that out to him anyway. People have given up on him for good reason and being involved at all with him will just lead to more emotional pain for you.

BonsaiBear · 13/04/2018 13:22

I think you're kidding yourself here and telling yourself you just want closure. I think despite you knowing intellectually you can't change or help him your heart is secretly telling you otherwise.

Your post is not the post of someone who sounds ready to move on from this man.

Original poster

mussel · 13/04/2018 13:24

it can't linger - I've deleted all other contact methods and convos and we live miles apart.

i guess the need he fills in me is simple, i dont meet a lot of people i like and get on with and find attractive in life and he was one of them! not the only one, obvs, more fish in the sea etc......

OP posts:

Original poster

mussel · 13/04/2018 13:26

no i dont want to move on, ideal scenario would be that we both get help and cheer the fuck up lol but i am realistic enough to know that i can only work on myself :(

OP posts:

lifebegins50 · 13/04/2018 13:31

I would be very cautious diagnosing EU as you really don't know him.What he says to you and a therapist could be entirely different.Fast attachment could be a sign of emotional dysregulation or lovebombing so unless he has a therapist I would not waste energy on this.

I get that you feel guilt about your responses but you are in danger of negative repercussions.The letter may reinforce his sense of victimhood "see even she admits it was all her fault" or cause him to be angry and stir up emotions that he is trying to deal with.

Also keep your focus on yourself and healing, could the need to fix him be a way of diverting your energies from yourself?

Original poster

mussel · 13/04/2018 13:47

I take your point about not being able to diagnose of course, but I want to point out i didnt come to that conclusion from one 'symptom', everything i've read on the subject is absolutely spot on with what happened.

I've had to take a long hard painful look at myself, too. I'd like to think that the letter would be me trying not to shirk responsibility like I have in the past, but yeah, maybe not with this person.

OP posts:

Weezol · 13/04/2018 13:52

But you don't have a 'responsibility' to him.

You do have one to yourself. Get yourself into counselling and look after yourself first.

Original poster

mussel · 13/04/2018 13:56

ok, i just wasn't sure with my new 'emotionally Available' feely-weely status I should be looking after people more!

OP posts:

Weezol · 13/04/2018 14:18

That's why it's best to do this learning with a counsellor - they will help you to walk before you run.

Zaphodsotherhead · 13/04/2018 14:22

So you told him you didn't want him to move in with you so quickly, and that was the point at which he turned?

Are you positive that it's some complicated mental issue and not just that he fancied being a cocklodger and you stomped all over that possibility? It just seems very coincidental that it was you putting the brakes on things that tipped him over into irrationality.

Original poster

mussel · 13/04/2018 15:58

no no sorry, it wasnt so simple as that; he was already acting shirty with me on some things so the whole moving in together seemed a bit soon, and I didn't stomp on it - I did look for houses, but he shat on every choice over minor things we didn't really have the luxury of rejecting houses over and I lost patience with that, which did add to things but wasnt the straw that broke the camel's back. I'm cutting a long story short! No denying he was difficult and confusing to deal with, so I was wary.

OP posts:

Ruddygreattiger2016 · 13/04/2018 16:18

Jeeez he sounds like an absolute nasty twat, why diagnose something that negates his behaviour to you?? Go to counselling for yourself but stop involving yourself in all his self absorbed dramas and I am agog you feel the need to apologise to him, what the fuck for?!?
I diagnose he is a selfish wanker and very little else and if you had any common sense you would just delete and block.
Sorry to be blunt but ffs, op.

Spookle · 13/04/2018 16:36

I think Zaphod and Ruddy have wise words there.

You've dodged a bullet.

Weezol · 13/04/2018 17:15

I assumed he'd had a theraputic diagnosis of EA. Unqualified folk really need to stop postulating diagnoses. Enough with the labels. He's not 'Emotionally Unavilable', he's a dick.

Original poster

mussel · 13/04/2018 18:43

at what point does one move from mentally ill to just a dick tho?

i know i've dodged a bullet and i did delete and block everything everywhere, and ive changed my phone number. still sad. my usual MO is to cut people out of my life, I thought maybe it should change. maybe i should give the benefit of the doubt more? try to understand people?

OP posts:

PavlovaPrincess · 13/04/2018 18:47

Probably a daft question, but did you actually meet in real life or was this all online?

Original poster

mussel · 13/04/2018 22:12

Lol, yes we did meet and have sex ;)

OP posts:

PrizeOik · 14/04/2018 00:07

Please don't try to therapize this guy. Or yourself.

In the nicest way, you are making it REALLY clear that you need some counselling and guidance. Reading stuff on t'internet is a dangerous pastime because you simply don't have the training or, more importantly, the objectivity to assess the underlying motives of a man who is, by your own admission, confusing. Not to mention a near complete stranger to you.

Step back, don't write letters. Put the focus on yourself only.

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