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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Am i being insensitive

45 replies

jessicasmummy04 · 13/04/2018 09:43

So Fiance was doing something stupid on the other night and laughing i said "not even Channing Tatum could get away with that" response was "go date him then" and he spent the rest of the night ignoring me. I left his house in the morning and have not heard from him since (we don't live together)

I don't even thing Channing is attractive it was just the first celeb that came to mind..

Now i am stubborn i admit so i haven't contacted him but i can also be a bit insensitive so am i missing something i need to apologise for?

OP posts:

MsGameandWatching · 14/04/2018 10:21

You didn't do anything wrong. You can certainly contact him if you like but it will be setting a precedent where he huffs and sulks and you break the ice and try to get things back to normal. I wouldn't message him, no chance.

Original poster

jessicasmummy04 · 14/04/2018 10:24

That's my thoughts @MrsGame but I do have empathy that although it's ridulous and I wouldn't be bothered by it it doesn't mean he's wrong to.. does it?

OP posts:

BerylStreep · 14/04/2018 10:26

I agree with LifeBegins50. He is stonewalling op and being controlling. If he wasn't happy at op's joke, he had ample opportunity to speak to her about it during the rest of the being and the next morning, but instead decided to punish her.

Is there previous history of this type of behaviour? This would honestly make me rethink the relationship if he isn't capable of communicating what he is unhappy about.

BoneyBackJefferson · 14/04/2018 10:29

lifebegins50

the OP hasn't used the term "silent treatment" others have.

But the fact remains that they are both not talking to each other, all that is going to do is kill the relationship.

Joysmum · 14/04/2018 10:29

I'm angry that he's being so damn ridulous

There are 2 possible scenarios here. Either he’s reacting badly for no good reason and this is another example of a pattern of poor behaviour so you don’t respect him, in which case it’s a red flag and you ditch.

Or its not normal for him so there’s something up you’ve inadvertently tapped into but don’t understand so you try to work out what it is.

As an example of the latter: I have had past issues which manifest in certain triggers. Years ago I didn’t understand the pattern behind this or even realise it was happening. My DH loves and respects me and realised it wasn’t normal for me so didn’t make a big thing about it. When I later got counselling my triggers and patterns were identified and it made all sense. My dh knew and loved me enough to realise there must be a reason other than me being petty or ridiculous. We’re both glad 24 years on that he had that emotional maturity to understand the difference.

If this isn’t usual for your dp then maybe he’s not being ridiculous. If this is the tip of the iceberg then ditch.

MsGameandWatching · 14/04/2018 10:33

I wonder if he's giving as much thought to your side in this as you are to his OP? Because I think if he was he'd have realised how silly he's being and you'd have heard from him albeit with a "look your comment made me feel like a bit of a twat so I left but I realise that was a bit of an overreaction, can we sort it out?" You've heard nothing which indicates he's hugging his grievance and expecting YOU to soothe him and apologise despite the fact that he behaved far worse. Don't do it, or if you do be very alert for the next time it happens, which it will though it might not be for a while as you'll be treading on eggshells now won't you? No more jokes or lightheartedness, just in case...

BoneyBackJefferson · 14/04/2018 10:36

Joysmum

A third scenario is that the OP continually makes fun of him and he has had enough.

Whatever the truth is it seems that the overwhelming advice is end it.

Original poster

jessicasmummy04 · 14/04/2018 10:42

@BoneyBack I never make fun of him if anything it's the other way around I'm always saying stupid things and we laugh about it. I

In this scenario he was making fun of himself and I was laughing and made the comment.

Yes he does have history of this behaviour..

OP posts:

BoneyBackJefferson · 14/04/2018 10:45

jessicasmummy04

Yes he does have history of this behaviour..

Then cut your loses and leave, it is not a healthy cycle of behaviour.

HipsterAssassin · 14/04/2018 10:46

Yikes. Pay close attention to this. It’s significant.

I could not marry someone who did this. No way José.

End it. Find an actual grown up to build a life with.

Original poster

jessicasmummy04 · 14/04/2018 10:50

You're right it's so unhealthy..

In every other aspect of our relationship it's great.. he's kind, generous, funny, gorgeous, caring, amazing with my daughter who adores him... We just can't communicate negative emotions.

Unless something has really angered me I generally just deal with any negativity myself and get over it and move on.

OP posts:

bullyingadvice2017 · 14/04/2018 11:08

I'd be using this time and space to seriously consider the future of this relationship. Can't be doing with sulking myself.

CaledonianQueen · 14/04/2018 11:15

I would ask him how he expected you to react. As if my dh was laughing and playing the fool then I would probably be in fits of giggles and say something similar. He would come back with another retort and we would both be in stitches. But then I grew up with a df who found fun in everything and would not have survived past toddlerhood if I had been as oversensitive as your bf is being!

If he pokes fun at you, is he just the type who likes to dish out jokes but can't take it when the joke is on him? I couldn't handle that tbh, you would be constantly walking on eggshells, frightened to laugh or say the wrong thing in case he flings a huff!

This behaviour is worrying to me, if this is frequent then he could be 'training' you to behave in a manner that he approves of, making you jump through hoops and feeling guilty as he plays the innocent victim at every turn. I would read Lundy Bancroft's profiles of abusers from the book 'Why does he do that', the profiles are also on this link

protectivemothersallianceinternational.org/2015/06/15/family-court-abusecorruption-abuser-profiles-from-why-does-he-do-that-by-lundy-bancroft/

You may have a Mr Sensitive or a Mr Right on your hands. If this seems familiar then you should make a run for it, and consider taking part in the freedom program.

HollowTalk · 14/04/2018 11:19

I couldn't be bothered going out with someone who was like that. I don't care how nice he is the rest of the time, it's not your job to stop his passive-aggressive behaviour. Find someone who can deal with things, not some guy who ignores you over nothing.

Original poster

jessicasmummy04 · 14/04/2018 11:40

Thank you so much @CaledonianQueen I think I have a MrSensitive 😕😱

OP posts:

CaledonianQueen · 14/04/2018 11:51

At least you know now and you can put an end to the relationship rather than spend years being gaslighted and punished for not behaving the way he expects you to. Gentle unmumsnetty hugs to you .

Ryder63 · 14/04/2018 12:07

I have just imagined this scenario as if my partner said the same to me (using an attractive female celeb for the "even CT wouldn't get away with this") and NO WAY would I sulk and give the silent treatment. Totally OTT.

Chippyway · 14/04/2018 14:41

You do realise the second you apologise to him or chase him, you’re reinforcing his behaviour? Because next time something petty pisses him off he’ll ignore you for 2 days to “punish you”.

Leave him to it

Better still, find yourself a man who isn’t this childish and doesn’t sulk like a child.

Original poster

jessicasmummy04 · 14/04/2018 14:44

I've no intention of apologising for something so trivial... I will leave him to it knowing that anyway now I'll receive a message saying it's all my fault and that I can't love him because o did nothing to sort this situation out.. I've heard it all before.

OP posts:

PrizeOik · 14/04/2018 14:57

Do not continue a relationship with a person who is "sensitive".

That way madness lies.

Signed, a woman who wasted 10 years of her life trying to cajole a sulking "sensitive" man into something resembling a normal life

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