Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Flip

1 2

Original poster

Have asked dp and dss to leave.

28 replies

MattBerrysHair · 13/04/2018 09:17

Dp and I don't want to separate but us all living together is not working. I have 2 primary age ds's and dss is 17. We've lived together a year, they moved into our house 110 miles away from their original area. At first there were the usual housemate type problems, mess left around for me to clean up etc but it was generally OK. Ds's and dss got on great, as did dp with my Ds's. Since making friends in our town dss's behaviour has deteriorated. He's had a lot of freedom to do his own thing so long as he pitches in at home, but his weed smoking is causing apathy and grumpiness. He keeps not coming home, not telling us where he is, making a mess of the kitchen and being arsey if asked to sort it out. We found out last week that he was dealing weed and getting into fights. There were teenagers shouting outside our house that he was going to get a 'kicking'. The last straw was yesterday. He was supposed to look after my Ds's from 10:30 - 3:00pm as dp and I were working. He agreed to be back home on Wednesday evening by 10:30 but did not come home until 6:00am and he'd been drinking, so I couldn't work as there was no way I could trust that he would be in a fit state to look after children. I'm self-employed so I lost a lot of money. I don't want my dc exposed to shouty violent teenagers in their own street, or have to explain that their otherwise lovely step-brother is grumpy and lazy due to his drug taking.

Dp has no money for a deposit for rent, bad credit and no furniture. He has a full time job but we are a low income family and rely on UC. We've contacted the housing office at the council and are awaiting an appointment. We'll contact citizens advice too, and look at freecycle for furniture. Is there anything else we can do or any other resources we might not know about?

TIA

OP posts:

Pinkvoid · 13/04/2018 09:38

This might sound horrible but is it possible for DSS to live elsewhere? At another relatives (his mums?) since it’s not your DP causing the issues at all. It just seems a little unfair that you should have to separate or in the very least, your DP should have to uproot himself and find the funds for a new home purely because of his feral son.

notapizzaeater · 13/04/2018 09:45

He's 17, can he not get a bed sit locally ? Has he see. Anyone for help with his weed/alcohol ?

CardinalCat · 13/04/2018 09:57

It's a shame that your DP also has to move out. At 17, can't dss get his own digs?

also, I'd be wary about leaving a weed smoker and dealer in charge of my precious children! If anything happened, children and family services would be all over it.

TinWhistleTunes · 13/04/2018 10:02

If the problem is the weed, and not between you and your DP, then that's the issue that needs addressing. How does your DP feel about it?

Dealing from your home is pretty serious. I'd be tempted to threaten DSS with police involvement if he doesn't get help fast. That, or he leaves.

What kind of help is available for DSS on your area?

TinWhistleTunes · 13/04/2018 10:04

Yes, don't leave him in charge of children. You can explain to him that it's a serious safeguarding issue - this might help to shake him up a bit.

BettyBooper · 13/04/2018 10:17

Please think carefully before fallowing advice given above and thinking about sending the 17 yo to live alone. 17 yos fall through lots of cracks in terms of benefits and services. They are often also emotionally immature and in many cases very ill-equipped for living independently. I realise his actions are causing concern to you and your family, but it worries me that this is seen as a simple solution.

BettyBooper · 13/04/2018 10:18

I do agree that leaving your dss in charge of your other children would not be wise at the moment. He is not making good choices.

WhiteCat1704 · 13/04/2018 11:00

Good for you. The 17 year old needs to grow up fast. Drug dealing is bloody serious and he could go to jail for that!

Why does he have so much free time? Why isn't he in school, doing apprenticeship or working?

WhiteCat1704 · 13/04/2018 11:01

And drug dealing is not working..

LoislovesStewie · 13/04/2018 11:11

Chuck the 17year old out and let him present as homeless. That way he will have to be assessed to see if he is a child in need , it often is a wake-up call to the child and the parents are offered support to deal with the tow rag.

AnneLovesGilbert · 13/04/2018 11:32

How long does your DP think you can all go on like this? It sounds exhausting and a horribly unhealthy environment for your DC. DP needs to find a way to get on top of his son’s issues otherwise they both have to leave. I hear other posters saying he shouldn’t have to go as he’s not the problem, but his son is, and it’s his responsibility to find a way to stop this criminal awful behaviour impacting on your home and your own family.

Bea1985 · 13/04/2018 11:37

Can Dss go to live with his mother? X

Cindbelly · 13/04/2018 11:46

I think it depends on your borough to be honest. Where I live social housing is very limited, so a single father with a 17yr old would not be housed.

But a 17yr old who could prove they have been living in the borough for over 12 months with a drug addiction would.

An 18 yr old (addiction or not) would not be housed.

Your DP would also need to know that You also can't claim any benefits (council tax housing benefit etc for a 17 year old as it stops at 16)

In summary, here it's borough resident for over 12 months, adults with no children not at all.

Original poster

MattBerrysHair · 13/04/2018 14:41

OK, I'll try to address everything but I may miss something because there is so much!

Dss's mum left when he was 10 to live with a new partner in a 1 bedroom flat. Dp was told to move in with the kids as she was going. They had been separated for about a year at this point. She hasn't been a reliable parental figure in the time since, often cancelling contact and not paying any maintenance. Going to her is not an option.

He is not dealing from the house. There have been no teenagers turning up for drugs. I overheard him talking to a friend on his phone a couple of weeks ago about how he needed to get some more weed "but just for us this time, not to sell".

There is no way we're chucking him out on his own. He has learning difficulties and as a result came away from school with no GCSE's whatsoever. He's doing a level 1 practical certificate at the moment and working towards getting his maths and English GCSE's. He's doing very well with his course but he won't be ready to sit his GCSE's until he's 19. He just wouldn't survive on his own and would probably end up in prison for dealing and god knows what else. Until he at least has a couple of GCSE's under his belt we don't think it would be fair to make him fend for himself as he is at such a disadvantage compared to other people of his age. He has to leave this house as I have to protect my own dc, but his dad is going with him.

He has been nagged about getting a job for the whole year he has been here. He finally finished his CV this week and started filling in application forms.

Dp is very unhappy about the situation. He thought that moving him to a new area would be a positive move. The weed smoking apparently began in their old area but only became a problem since September sort of time. Dss just doesn't care about any consequences. He'll apologise and look remorseful and then do something worse the next day. We can't ground him effectively as we both have to work and as soon as he's on his own in the house he just leaves. We have no money to give him so I don't know how he buys the weed, and we can't withhold pocket money as punishment as he doesn't get any in the first place!

Cindbelly thank you for the advice, that's just what I was looking for.

OP posts:

Crispbutty · 13/04/2018 14:47

“We have no money to give him so I don't know how he buys the weed”

If he’s selling it he will get it supplied on credit then owe the supplier. If he doesn’t pay them, they will come looking for him. He’s a young kid trying to be a big boy and he will come unstuck. I don’t blame you for wanting him out if he refuses to stop as it will bring trouble to your door. Has he got older siblings he could go to stay with? They can often get through to teens when parents are being ignored.

Original poster

MattBerrysHair · 13/04/2018 15:10

His eldest sister lives in their old area with her bf and both smokers too. Although she was furious about him dealing it isn't a good idea for him to be around so much weed.

OP posts:

Crispbutty · 13/04/2018 15:46

I still think he would be more likely to listen to her than his parents. It’s the way teenagers are. If she is willing to have him for a while I would send him there before ending your marriage.

Original poster

MattBerrysHair · 13/04/2018 16:06

Possibly. I'll put that suggestion to dp and see what he says. The issue is that he's enrolled in college here and his dsis lives in their old area 120 miles away. With no GCSE's he's very limited in his choices. Also, the plan isn't to end our relationship, just to go back to living separately until dss is capable of fending for himself.

OP posts:

LiteraryDevil · 13/04/2018 16:12

So he wouldn't survive on his own, is dealing drugs and you let him look after your kids??

Adora10 · 13/04/2018 16:21

I doubt he's going to feed drugs to the OPs kids fgs, hardly relevant really, the lad needs help not more punishment, I think you are doing the right thing OP, hopefully things will change in the future to your benefit.

Cindbelly · 13/04/2018 17:42

sounds like a tough situation.
Definately get DP to go to the council and discuss his options. If learning difficulties are involved and as dss is enrolled in a local college this may change the situation. You mentioned upthread DP was told to take the dc. Was this by ss? Or his ex? Again ss involvement will support a housing need.
I know you are staying together as a couple, but for the housing he will probably need to present as a single father. Again depends on the borough. They are unlikely to do any checks on his relationship status barring asking him to fill out the forms.

On an aside note, my dad moved in with his ow (I know you are not the ow but bear with me) and his dss went through a similar stage at 17.
Not quite mature enough to be an adult, but too grown up for traditional punishments to work. Weed and fighting to impress his 'homeboys' etc.

They took a completely different route, gave him Money every week to buy his own washing stuff and snacks etc (stuff they would have been buying anyway so didn't work out more) and they got him a dog. (Staffie)
Having to be responsible for a dog was the making of him, he was under strict instructions the dog needed to be walked twice a day and fed looked after etc and that if he messed up even once it would be gone. The dog came and lived with me one time for 2 nights when he played up.. after that dss didn't want to lose him and stepped up.
Doing that gave him the mentality to step up other areas too.

I've waffled here, just trying to think of other options you could try sorry!

Original poster

MattBerrysHair · 13/04/2018 18:30

Thank you so much for listening (reading) and replying Adora and Cindbelly. The dog idea is excellent, perhaps dp will be open to that. We've found a counselling service for young people with drug problems and other problematic behaviour. I don't think he has a habit but it's an avenue we need to explore as he's so vulnerable compared to other 17 year olds.

Literary not surviving on his own means not knowing how to manage a household budget, pay bills etc. Babysitting a 10 and a 7 year old for 3 hours in our home isn't in the same category, really, is it. Also, he'd never ever do drugs around them. Despite his bad choices away from home he loves his little brothers.

OP posts:

Cindbelly · 13/04/2018 21:01

I do really think you should talk to DP. I do understand the impulse to say 'this isn't working so you've got to go' but remember in a few years you could have a DS or dd in a similar position.
You mentioned above that he has a lot of free time, which I'm guessing is to encourage a bit of independence, but maybe you need to make that a bit more constructive? (ie walking the dog in the evening rather than hanging with his friends) another thing you could think about is driving lessons. Yes they are expensive but it's 2 hours one evening a week that he is in a car with an instructor rather than scoring drugs with his mates. And he's learning a valuable life skill at the same time. You've also then got the lessons about saving up for a car to talk through with him.

I should stop posting really as this is not the advise you posted for
I just know from personal experience of my own childhood that in your position if you and dp are staying together I would try a different approach.

BettyBooper · 13/04/2018 22:20

I realise the OP has said that she wouldn't do this, but this is terrible advice. There are not available resources for this approach to be used to deal with this kind of issue. It is not a good 'wake up call'. Young people end up being placed in highly inappropriate housing, sometimes with adult offenders. This isn't a good way to get support and puts young people at risk.

LiteraryDevil · 13/04/2018 22:21

Driving lessons for the pot head. Excellent idea pp

OP I think you should speak to your DP about this and see what he plans to do about it. It's not fair on your family as a whole. Cannabis use is strongly correlated with future if not current mental health issues so your dss really needs help to stop using. Interesting that his sister is also a dope smoker. If your DP isn't going to do much about things then I don't think you have much choice than to ask them to move out. I certainly wouldn't want a drug user around my children. At 17 they will naturally look up to him and he's setting a dreadful example. Hope all works out for the best.

Flip

1 2