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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Child's father giving me problems

20 replies

Lucoxox · 12/04/2018 20:10

Hi all

So recently I have decided to allow my child's father one day a week to see his son for 6 hours which he takes him and brings him back, I did let him have him twice a week but thought as my baby is only 12 weeks that he needs to be with his mother and we shouldn't be apart that long, and I have decided to block his number as he keeps lieing and for my depression I need to heal as he dumped me 27 weeks pregnant and left me for another girl, So have decided to not see him or talk to him for time being and my sister has been arranging it with my ex and doing the handovers but my ex is really kicking up a fuss of only having him one day a week and that I blocked his number and that i refuse to see him he said he's got a solicitor involved and they advised him saying he needs more time with his son I think is BS really! I'm allowing access for him to see our son every week but not allowing him access to contact me only through my sister, surely it wouldn't ever go to court right? Im allowing him to see his son thats all that matters really regardless if he sees me or not! Any advice or similar experiences people have gone through?

OP posts:

deste · 12/04/2018 20:14

Do you have a problem with the way he is taking care of him when baby is with him. If not I can’t see why he can’t have him twice a week. I think it’s great that he wants to see him. Unless there is a back story to this.

pinkpantsrock · 12/04/2018 20:16

i appreciate that your hurt by him, but it's his child as well and he needs to bond with the baby / baby needs him as much as you and unless you have valid reasons that you think your baby is in danger then quite frankly, your being unreasonable and how dare you stop a father from seeing their child. If tables turned how would you feel?

RoxetteSkyWalker · 12/04/2018 20:19

Woah pinkpants.... a twelve week old baby away from his mother for 6 or so hours apart when it doesn't sound like the father has been much cop to begin with?
Classic case of girl left holding the baby and man 'playing daddy' without any of the day to day graft.

BuffyBee · 12/04/2018 20:21

She said he'd kicking up a fuss because she's blocked his number and not giving him access to her.
He's annoyed that the handovers are being done by OP's sister.
I'm feeling a big Red Flag from his behaviour.

RoxetteSkyWalker · 12/04/2018 20:21

Plus the op is allowing the father access. Far more than he deserves, it seems.

RoxetteSkyWalker · 12/04/2018 20:22

Agree with buddy we

RoxetteSkyWalker · 12/04/2018 20:27

Buffybee d'oh. Autocorrect!

pinkpantsrock · 12/04/2018 20:29

i'm not saying agree to 6hrs a day but a daddy needs regular contact with baby as much as mummy. There's not enough back story to form opinion on whether he's a twat face or she's a highneeds diva. But there's a small baby who needs both parents to love them and cuddle them.If someone said i could only see my child for 6hrs 1 day a week i would go blue murder

Mary1935 · 12/04/2018 20:33

Hi Lucoxox, is he paying you maintainace for his child? If not go to CSA.
Then are you breast feeding? You won't want your baby away from you for too long. I understand your hurt. Did you put the child's fathers name on the birth certificate?
You could let him take you to court for more access. Tell him you will wait for a letter from his solicitor and see if it ever emerges. He maybe bull shitting.
Where does he lives by that I mean have you seen his home now, is he able to have his child over night? What is he actually looking for re access. Does he have the equipment for a baby? Bottles, clothes, pushchair etc.
Keep being supported by your family. 🌺

BuffyBee · 12/04/2018 20:37

I think this guy is using seeing his child as a form of abuse to the OP.
Read the OP again pinkpantsrock.
He's annoyed because he can't have direct contact with the OP!

RoxetteSkyWalker · 12/04/2018 20:37

Pinkpants I guess you have never been on the receiving end of a complete twat who checks out of the hard work that comes with a baby, and swans off, only to demand 'his rights' and when the going gets tough, or he has had enough fun, he returns aforesaid child.

I am all for children having and seeing both parents, but this dude sounds like he is just another waste of space.

for you OP, hang on in there

Original poster

Lucoxox · 12/04/2018 20:46

Personally I think 6 hours a week is enough for him to see his son, cut a long story short I will give you a bit of back story.. He dumped me for another girl at his workplace when I was 27 weeks pregnant and they are still together now, He ignored me for the reminder 12 weeks only deciding to get back in contact when i was due, I had no idea about the girlfriend so I kindly let him be at the birth, be on the birth certificate, let him have his last name and let him stay over for 2 weeks to help me with my son he then decided to tell me he's got a gf and it all made sense why he dumped me and left me pregnant and vulnerable, I was very hurt obviously but let him have him twice a week even let him have my son stay over a few nights at his parents where my ex lives which I regret as my baby is really young, He does have all the necessities for him and I am not breastfeeding but feel like once a week is acceptable at this moment in time, but I got depression and on anti depressants and me seeing him every week was causing me suffering so have decided to block his number and to not see him for a while while i heal fully but hes not having any of it dont know why he wants to see me? When he should just collect his son and go, i think I have been very reasonable with him and have gone above and beyond, just keeps threatening saying he wants more time etc it's so tough!

OP posts:

pinkpantsrock · 12/04/2018 20:48

There are two sides to every story!! and again there's not enough back story so i'm not taking sides until a full picture is given. I'm on the side of the baby and that baby needs the love of both parents. unless one of those is s son of a bitch wanker (either mum or dad) in which case, that parent can sod the sod off.

LIZS · 12/04/2018 20:49

You need to go to court to get a formal order which you both adhere to. It is not about what you allow, what he may or may not contribute, but what is best for the baby. 2 shorter visits might be more manageable. Apply to cms to get the financial side formalised.

Shizzlestix · 12/04/2018 20:54

He seems to want to control you. He has no reason to see you when collecting your child. Get your sister to tell him you’re not interested in seeing him. Is he secretly hoping to get back with you or keeping you as a reserve in case the new gf doesn’t work out?

If he’s being a pain, tell him to go to court for access, although the court is likely to award more than 6 hours! He has rights regarding his child. Is he paying you maintenance?

privateporcupine · 12/04/2018 20:54

So really your baby is 12 weeks old and while the father had acted badly, but is now trying to step up, you have already reduced his contact time?

Fine, have you sister do handovers if you must, but reducing his time with his son isn’t fair.

SandyY2K · 12/04/2018 21:03

You shouldn't have given your son his surname after he ignored you like that. He didn't and doesnt deserve it.

I would never allow overnights at this young age tbh.

Sometimeitrains · 13/04/2018 06:11

His behaviour sucks. You are a new mum in a vulnerable state, you dont need this and if his motivation for court is to get you to interact with him directly he wont win.

As long as contact is allowed they wont care if its done by you or your sister.

Perhaps court will be a good thing as it will be a way to establish clear rules and boundries by someone focusing on the childs best interests without the emotional baggage you both carry.

I think you started another thread about his gf poking your baby in the face and posting it on social media? if so these are things to take note of as it shows his lack of responsibility to the court.

Good luck OP it sounds like you have a tough road ahead make sure you are taking care of yourself and getting help for your deppression.

SD1978 · 13/04/2018 06:28

I understand that you’re hurt as he went off with someone else, but you had already agreed to let him see his child twice a week, have already had some overnight stays, and don’t question the child’s safety when with him. You’re not breastfeeding, so the child is fed wether with you or with their father, and obviously in s a safe environment. Whilst I agree with you that overnight stays may not be ideal at the moment, I do believe you need to compromise regarding the amount of time he sees the child. Can there be two days for 4 hours instead? If you’re not willing to engage with him due to your health, can your sister facilitate this? If he has seen a lawyer to ensure access, you may end up with him being given more than you believe is right, but nothing you’ve said would make it seem he’s doing anything other than trying to parent, whilst you’re still upset he has moved on with a new partner. What do you mean by lying? Has he been abuse ever in his contact with you? Maybe set up an email account for communication- then there is a record if he wish to context aspects in mediation or court. Of course you want your baby with you- but can you maybe try to see the time apart as an opportunity to rest or get things done, instead of a negative? He will theoretically be in your life in some way for the next 18years.

Original poster

Lucoxox · 13/04/2018 10:28

Thanks for your advice everyone, He wasn't physically abusive to me but he was jealous and controlling when we were together, to answer the question to SD1978 he lied saying he had to work on this particular day and that he can't see his son but then a week later I found out he actually went on holiday abroad with his gf which i was furious cause be should of been honest with me! And I said out of respect to me I would like to know when his gf sees my son for the first time and that i want to meet her and see who's going to be in my son's life, I feel very uncomfortable the fact that she's playing stepmother to my child and I don't even know who she is, so they already met without me even knowing hence posting the public video of her poking my baby, hes a compulsive liar, also if he did get a solicitor involved it be mediation to try and woke something out before it ever goes to court right? I know time away from my son gives me a rest but I am finding it hard to hand over my son to my ex and his parents as they decided to block me and not talk to me so I'm disrespected by then, I have blocked my exs number for a week now and I have never felt so good not seeing his text messages appear in trying to heal and get rid of my depression and for me to do that I dont want to see him or talk to him for a while and hes kicking up a fuss about that when what matters is him collecting and bringing back his son I don't need to be involved my sister is happy to talk and deal with my ex, he said we need a civil relationship for our son but I dont see the issue in my sister doing it and me having some time to heal not sure what he wants from me

OP posts:

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